Finding it difficult to accept DP's parenting

[QuizTeamAguilera]

I think I am looking for some reassurance that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do about the behaviour of DP's 17 year old son.

Potted history is: Dp left exDW after 22 years together and her affair with his friend.

ExDW met and married new man within one year and they have now been married for two years. I met DP a year ago and we live seperately.

He has three DC 13, 17 & 19. Mine are 14, 16 & 28. His youngest lives with him as exDW moved to be with her new H (which I find ) Dp is a caring man, who wants the very best for his boys. Youngest and eldest are settled and happy.

DP's middle DS who is 17 has always had problems keeping within the boundaries. Smoking, stealing, fighting are the things I know about. He didn't do well in his GCSE's but found himself a place at a football academy and DP and exDW have supported him in his choice. The long distance traveling to the academy has dictated DS stays with DP's sister during the week as she lives much closer to his college. It became apparent, fairly early on, that DP's sister is very lenient with DS (her nephew obvs) and he has started to go off the rails again lately.

I am more than careful NOT to be seen to be judging but am finding it hard. I think DP should have had DS staying with him (even though it would add a further 90 mins daily to his train journey) DP is the only person who has any sort of control over him and even then, he is, I think, far too easy on him - I never say this of course.

This weekend DP's DS has had a fight and has caused untold worry to many ramily members, his elderly grandparents in particular, who he woke from their beds at 1am for sanctuary.

I have listened to Dp's thoughts and already know, his strategy is to make DS feel loved and supported and to have him living at home with him for the coming academic year. That's fair enough but I feel quite irritated that no-one seems to treat him with any firm hand.

Dp says, he plans to stop him smoking by keeping a tight rein on the money he has and to insist he find a summer job to finance the many trips DS takes to visit his girlfriend (who lives a four hour coach journey away) However, Dp's DS is still being allowed to make the journey to visit his GF this weekend - and that's the bit I find difficult. Where is the discipline? What message is this giving him?

It isn't my business I know but my relationship with DP is very happy and I don't want to spoil it by feeling irritated by his parenting.

So, what's the answer please?

[Enb76]

I think the smoking is the least of the worries and I wouldn't try to make someone stop - it's just not possible. I think I would make it a condition that he earns his own money though if he wants to a) smoke and b) visit his girlfriend.

If the g/f trip was already happening I'd let him go, it's a losing battle to try and take something like that away from a 17 year old if it's already been agreed and you'd risk alienating him even further than he is already.

Depending where he is, lots of boys when I was around this age joined marquee companies and helped put them up and take them down etc... It often means early starts and physical work. It always seemed to do them a lot of good.

[brdgrl]

Honestly, the only advice I can offer that has ever worked for me is to separate (insofar as you can) the ideas in your head about DP's parenting and the house rules.
Put aside for the moment and for your own sanity the worries about what messages DSS is being taught, and focus instead on the impact on your life and your family. How can you affect that and minimize the bad effects?
You need firm house rules, like "no smoking in the house or garden", "maintaining quiet hours between x and x", "everyone contributes by doing set jobs", that kind of thing. Not because these are the right things to do, not because they will help DSS in the end, but because it is your home and your family's home, and as the adults, you and your DH have certain expectations of those under your roof.

Your DH is of course right to keep a "tight rein" on the money to DSS, but I wonder just how tight it is? Does he have to do anything to earn it? At 17 he should be paying (with money he earns) for more than just his fags and his trips to see GF. If he doesn't go along with the summer job idea, what happens?

Believe me, you are not alone...I have an almost 17 year-old DSS and I share your concerns and frustrations.

[brdgrl]

Sorry, your DP I mean.

[QuizTeamAguilera]

Oh, Enb76 - you sound like someone who has the patience of a saint - I wish I could see it so clearly. I suppose I am always hoping for some sort of consequence for his actions but never see anything.

brdgrl, we are nowhere even close to living together. Only DP's youngest DS comes to stay sometimes during school holidays as he and my own DS get along really well. DP and I realised early on, that moving in wasn't likely to be an option until all our DC's have finished their education (we are in different counties).

I just find it sad that DP, who is such a sensible, lovely bloke, has all this to deal with and he likes my input but I feel I am holind back my true feelings.

[brdgrl]

Oh, sorry, I don't know why I assumed that. Sorry.
I remember feeling the same way when now-DH and I lived separately. It is sad to watch and it does cause problems when you feel you have to bite your tongue all the time.

[QuizTeamAguilera]

I think I am most annoyed that DP will indeed be financing the trip for his DS to visit his GF this weekend, regardless of the fact, apparently, no further money would be forthcoming until he made an effort at least, to find a summer job.

If that was my DS I would not be financing his trip after his awful behaviour at the weekend. Maybe I am too harsh I don't know but I feel DP is setting himself up for further trouble if he doesn't make a firm stand now. His son has been forgiven many, many times without consequence.

[Enb76]

Ah, well the patience is because it's not happening to me.

There do have to be consequences though. Like with a toddler if you say no and then give in, the child has learnt nothing. If your DP said DS can't go to g/f's without finding a job and DS didn't even look for a job then your DP certainly shouldn't fund the trip IMO. Ask, receive, reward (like training a dog)

If there are never any consequences when DS has not delivered on promises then that would drive me bonkers but your DP probably also needs to be clearer in what he's asking of his son.