Coping with comparisons between own kids and dsd?

[Elizabeth120914]

Just wonder how others find this topic..

Was at dinner tonight and OH starts talking about who dsd looks like (carbon copy of mother nothing like oh or his family) and then about how she's got traits like her mother etc.

I'm biting my lip at this point don't like thinking about her I can Seperate her from dsd in my mind quite happily.. Dsds behaviour, manners and many other atributes leave much to be desired but her mother is at home on any episode of benefits street and makes my skin crawl..! They weren't in a relationship when she was born or during the pregnancy and contact with dsd didn't appear till she was 5...

He then starts going on about how our baby due in September might be similar .. Well I felt like I had been stabbed. The idea of ex in a sentence with my baby made me feel horrible. Didn't say anything but still stewing now.

Pointless maybe just wondered if this is a normal reaction? How do U manage with these sorts of comparisons the dsd thing il have to suck up but the connection to HER is ewwww !

[Boomeranggirl]

As much as I love my DH, thankfully my DS takes after my side of the family and has completely different colouring from DSDs. This means I side step this issue as he looks nothing like them.

I know exactly how you feel though. For me my issue is how I'm planning on bringing up DS. I want him to have friends and a healthy social life, I want him to gradually progress into adulthood not be infantalised and wrapped in cotton wool to the point that he cannot function effectively in the adult world. DH is quite sensitive about this issue but I'm not going to give in on this point.

Your baby is going to be the most precious beautiful person in the world and will probably be completely different.

[Elizabeth120914]

I think it's also the whole he hasn't had a chance to do it before thing.. As opposed to for me it's the first time and I don't feel like there's room for compensating his non existent relationship or that he's had no control over it for years.

This is a new relationship as far as I'm concerned no he had nothing to do with dsd till she was 5 and no we have pretty much nil control over her in most respects but it's not mine or our new babies fault so I don't like the comparisons at all. I think it's a real shame the baby is a girl too but dsd is ginger haired, pale completion and quite short (spit of ex) where no one in OHs family or mine is so I'm hoping it's highly unlikely physically they will be similar as for the environment she will be bought up in there will be similarities over my dead body!!

[pinkerson]

When I was pg, dh said wouldn't it be lovely to have another one like dss.... Err no, I'd quite like my firstborn to be something like me, thanks!

[Elizabeth120914]

Lol Pinkerson! Why are they so bloody stupid and insensitive! Cos yea we all want a carbon copy of the horrible ex or crazy dsd we aren't part of the equation at all!!

[Elizabeth120914]

Oh and I know I also love running over the fact that they had sex and a relationship it's my favourite topic of conversation discussing how like her dsd is!! Give me strength!

[Boomeranggirl]

I sometimes think that mouth engages before brain for most of our DHs. Especially when we're pregnant. I gave my DH the briefing from the get go, this included:

The first rule of the pudding club is we don't talk about the ex,

The second rule of the pudding club is we don't talk about the ex

Any questions or queries refer to the first rule.

Stick to this and we'll get along fine! Thankfully he remembered it and didn't mention the ex/pregancy/when DSDs were babies once.

[Elizabeth120914]

Lol I love that brill advice!!

Normally he knows this but tonight he 'forgot'. Dsd has got size 8 feet and is only 11 which bought about the whole she's nothing like his family conversation but he keeps bring it up. He then starts saying all his lot don't look alike- carbon copies IMO!

It winds me up big style because sadly she is nothing like him in any respect; looks, habits, mannerisms nothing I wish she was would make it much easier sometimes than mini ex! Infact I find the no resemblance far odder than the big feet at 11 years old!

How all this relates to an unborn baby I don't know twit!

[pinkerson]

He's having a baby so his mind naturally goes to his first baby... Hard to take when it's a firstborn for you. Also hell be worrying how dsd will feel - we all worry about our first when pg with our second.

One of the sad things about being an sm is that you and your dh are at different stages when you have your first child. He's done it all before! But once the baby arrives it all feels very real and special.

[Elizabeth120914]

Fingers crossed! It's a bit hard to take especially as he hasn't done the whole baby thing before and what he has ever done has been the odd weekend/ Days at the weekend with a five plus. He's worked away a lot too and others have done a huge share of it over the last few years for various reasons so in practical terms he's not qualified so needs to shut up!!

[toni74]

I like your advice Boomeranggirl

Mines a physical comparison...that drives me nuts...

We have two boys and one of hus ex's and her family insist that our boys look exactly like dss2 (at the same age etc) and then get photo albums out to prove a point. I always say I don't see it and that he looks like my brother (at the same age, because he clearly does!!!) and then get his photo out...

I get they share a dad but that's it...but they will all be very different people and guess what mine might not even like footie!!! omg!

[how2cope]

I love Boomeranggirl's advice there, I must store that away in the memory banks for the future when, please God, we'll be having our own family!

I can understand the comparisons, probably more from DP's family I would imagine than DP himself, nobody wants to hear it, but you could anticipate it from the inlaws, they would have known the first baby perhaps and now theres another baby, and mum in laws like nothing more than comparisons !

DP seriously needs to think before putting the size 10's into the mouth for a good kick around. I hope you've been able to be calm and just say that you do not want your child mentioned in the same sentence as a woman who has nothing at all to do with your precious child (or you for that matter!). If he doesn't get it, just shut down any future comparison conversations straight away and without apology?

[msevs]

Mine said that his niece thought his ex was the mother of our newborn daughter, an easy assumption to make as she is only young and thought all his kids have the same mother, but to hear him mention his ex's name and our baby's name in the same sentence did make me feel like he had punched me in the stomach. Strange how I had such such a physical reaction to it.

He also compares our daughter to his children as babies all the time, both physically and as personalities. Even his ex compared her appearance to DSS as a baby when she saw her. The worst was when he said his firstborn was born in the room next to my delivery room, a mere hour after I had given birth to my first. I can understand why he would think of that but it ruined the moment for me! I wish I would have done what Boomeranggirl did but I suppose I thought he'd be more sensitive than he was, little did I know.

[AddictedtoGreys]

luckily my DH has never compared my DS to my DSD, and when he was a tiny baby he only ever said things like "I tried this with DSD" not "we tried this," IYSWIM.

however, MY family have said that my DS looks like my DSD!!! They don't look similar at all, but I was so surprised it was said! and I instantly felt a massive urge to say don't be ridiculous they have different parents!! it didn't feel like they were thinking it because they have the same dad, it felt like they were saying my DS was my DH's ex's baby not mine! which is ridiculous and irrational

but what I'm trying to say is I understand

[Elizabeth120914]

Phew!!

Thought it was just me... There's many bits of being a step mum that totally suck and this is clearly one of them but dsd is pretty much everything manners and behaviour Wise I would not tolerate so where as step mum I mind my own business no child of mine will be like that especially the attitude and appearance so I will be finding it HUGELY offensive I feel sorry for anyone stupid enough to say it!

[Whatever21]

Some of you need to grow up.

I get the not comparing pregnancies/labours etc but why the hell shouldn't the father of your child make a comparision between his kids.

To him they are all his kids and god forbid they may look like him and share some characteristics. Not expecting people to comment on siblings who are actually related genetically is just ridiculous.

Your DSCs and your DCs are actually going to ahve some similiar characteristics, if your DCs have the same annoying trait as your DSCs are you going to blame that on the EX as well.

I feel sorry for your DHs/DPs to compartmentalise their children and wage war on one set being better than the other is not healthy

[Elizabeth120914]

Thanks whatever21 that was my original point dsd is the spit of her mother and nothing like her father!

Why would anyone want someone telling them their child reminded them of their OHs ex?

It's pretty tough when it's all new to you and exciting to have it endlessly rubbed in your face it's been done before with someone else! I'm glad others feel the same.

[sillymillyb]

But they aren't telling you your child reminds them of your oh's ex - they are telling them they remind them of his child!!

Because it is a big deal for you, you are looking for the link to his ex - for most people they are just making the connection between children.

I agree some of these men need some lessons in tact and that it must be hard you didn't get to do those firsts together, but comparisons between children who share the same dad seems natural to me. To actively not do that is a weird response!

[rosepetalsoup]

Addictedtogreys that is SO funny - my family tried that too. The kids look NOTHING alike and I can't understand it at all. I also felt exactly what you describe.

Agree with what most posters are saying - this is when the DSC are a spit of the ex.

Boomerang (I think!) -- good rules! I had something similar.

OP I had all the worried you are having, but honestly you find once the child is born that you have been seriously underestimating yourself. You will have a massive influence and the child will be a lot like you and how you and your DH choose to bring them up will shape them. You're their mum! There's no way they'll be anything like someone else's mum. I had these worried but now my child is nearly 2 I cannot even imagine having them again.

[rosepetalsoup]

sorry, should be worries you'd think I'd be able to spell my favourite pastime.

[Elizabeth120914]

Thanks rosepetalsoup fingers crossed :) it's just another thing to worry about in a long list! Will be very odd to go from detached in all these decisions to actually making them lets hope OH adapts to it aswell!!

[rosepetalsoup]

It is much nicer when bebe arrives. And don't forget, you don't 'know nothing' as sometimes feels (i.e. they know it all). You're a grown up woman and soon a mother! You'll rule your roost xx