Am I justified in feeling a bit put out?

[Petal02]

DSS has been back from Uni for about 10 days now, he’s staying at his Mum’s house. For the first week, he saw DH quite a few times, and everything seemed quite normal.

But everything seems to have been become quite intense over the last few days; they were together Thursday afternoon, Thursday night, all day Friday, Friday night, Sunday morning (DH was supposed to come home by 1pm on Sunday afternoon as we had plans, but he didn’t get back til 2pm, stating that “when I’m with DSS, I just can’t keep track of time”) , and he then disappeared out with him again last night.

DH and I had a big row about this, and are currently not speaking.

Am I being over-sensitive? I didn’t appreciate being told that DSS’s presence makes DH lose all track of time. They seem more like Romeo and Juliet than father and son. DSS is nearly 20. When I was his age, I really didn’t need quite so much 1-2-1 time with my Dad.

[how2cope]

Oh God Petal, I don't think you're being too sensitive at all. I guess it's very hard as a SM to always verbalise what we mean correctly, it seems our DP's take any sentence involving the DSC as just an attack on their relationship, and sometimes frustrations bubble up and over in us, so have a think about the not talking thing, unfortunately, my experience has taught me that if the thaw is to come in our arguments, its always me that has to initiate it, even if it was definitely DP at fault!

I doubt that this will continue, as you correctly point out, if DSS is 20 years old, then it could be that they are just hanging out for a bit in order to make up for lost contact during term time? Or perhaps there's something going on in DSS's life right now (money/work/uni/girls....) that means your DH feels he should 'be there' for him physically. I don't know, but I'm sure it will have to pass, what 20 year old guy wants to hang around with their dad and not their friends all day and night?!

[Anormalfamily]

Hi Petal,
I really truly had hoped everything in your house had settled back to normal now that your dss is at uni.
This development has just about robbed me of any hope that our situation could ever become sane!
I have this Romeo and Juliet set up with dh and dsd, she's now 17 and has worked out all by herself that making herself scarce (no visits, no replies to texts, no replies to questions, etc) makes her more "valuable" and there are no rules she needs abide by. I'm not talking nit picky household chores, btw, this is, like at yours, full blown "love of my life" scenarios...
No one else need apply
Am sending you empathy vibes...

[purpleroses]

What on earth are they up to all that time?

Would seem normal enough for DSS to come and stay at yours for a few days, but days at a time out of the house with just the two of them seems very strange.

Would you be included in their time together if you wanted to? Could you suggest that DSS comes round for dinner one evening and then watches a film or something with you guys, normal stuff maybe for a 20 year old to do with his parents, but doesn't take your DH completely away from you physically and mentally for days at a time.

[PajamaQueen]

I too would be pissed off it DH and I had made plans but was late because he was out with someone he'd seen numerous days before. Especially if he was late for something and then went back out with the person later that night. Fair enough, DSS is his son, but surely he could spare him a couple of hours so DH could do something with you?

Is there a reason why they are spending so much time together? How often is he home from Uni?

[PajamaQueen]

numerous times for days previously

[OneStepCloser]

Nope your not being sensitive, one eve yep maybe have a catch up drink or two in the pub but after that I would be included as well, although I don't think Dss would want to spend all of his time with us, sure he'd have other things to do.

What on earth are they doing anyhow?

[catsmother]

Even if you leave aside the "rights and wrongs" of how much time a parent "should" spend with their 20 year old adult child it's very rude to come home late if you already have plans and simply ridiculous to claim that it's because "being with SS makes me lose track of time"!

Why's that then ? .... is SS some sort of higher being whose presence sends him into a hypnotic trance ? Rubbish. As an adult you keep an eye on the time if you already have plans that other people are also affected by. These days there's no excuse even if SS does have such an extraordinary effect upon his father what with mobile alarms etc., and I'm afraid I think the actual truth of the matter is that your DP preferred to be with SS rather than participate in whatever plans you had. Which is very rude and disrespectful.

Or, maybe SS wanted to do such and such which DP knew damn well he didn't have time for on that particular occasion but as ever, with the sort of Disney dads who are perpetually too "scared" of "upsetting" the precious offspring (even so-called adult ones) DP decided it was "better" to upset you rather than his son.

An adult child should be quite capable of understanding that their parent doesn't live in limbo awaiting their return from wherever and therefore explaining that he needs to be back at such o'clock should be no big deal at all.

[Petal02]

Thanks everyone

Catsmother – you have, as usual, hit the nail on the head.

My argument is that DSS’s presence does NOT prevent DH from keeping an eye on the time. DH can usually manage to tell the time perfectly well under other circumstances, and being in the vicinity of DSS does not make him lose this skill. And I totally agree that if your plans with other people depend upon your keeping an eye on the time, then it’s courteous to do so.

The really breath-taking thing was that DH seemed to genuinely believe that losing track of time due to DSS’s presence was actually a valid excuse. Like he’s so in luuuuuurve with DSS that he couldn’t help himself, and that I should realise this. Yuk. And it made me feel very much like second best.

I can pretty much tell you EXACTLY what I suspect happened: DH/DSS had planned to play golf first thing on Sunday morning. They’d arranged to set out quite early, and DH was quite happy to be back by 1pm, as this allowed them plenty of time. I can pretty much guarantee that DSS didn’t get out of bed early enough to meet DH, meaning they started their game far later than planned, and rather than tell DSS that his late arrival had limited their game, DH decided to be late home for me instead. I would put money on this being what happened. DH couldn’t possibly upset DSS, or subject him to any consequences for his late arrival – no, I had to be the one who took the hit.

When DH arrived home at 2pm he was looking sheepish. He pointed out that we still had time to carry out the plans we’d made, and whilst we could still have gone out, the hour’s delay would have meant it was hardly worth going (I don’t want to give too much detail in case it identifies me).

All this led to a big argument, and I suspect DH then decided to head out with DSS again in the evening, just to wind me up. You often hear of bio parents using children as a weapon, but DH is quite adept at using DSS to antagonise me; however he forgets that this is counter-productive, it does nothing for my relationship with DSS which then causes tensions further down the line.

And the poster who comments that he shouldn’t lose track of time with someone he’s spent a lot of time with just recently, makes a very good point!

I’d almost forgotten how intense their relationship can be, the lies DH will tell, and the havoc he’ll cause, to further that relationship. DH actually thinks he has a wonderful bond with DSS. The reality is quite dark and unhealthy IMO.

[catsmother]

I agree that using a stepkid - and especially an adult one - as a valid excuse for being rude is really quite shocking, unless of course it was an emergency situation which we all know it wasn't.

My DP has been known to do this with phonecalls. We've been out for the day - and I don't mean the usual weekend trudge round Tesco - but a special and planned trip where the idea is that we spend a bit of rare quality time chatting to each other ... when the phone goes and boom, that's it, I will potentially be ignored if it's a stepkid calling.

Depending on where we are and what we're doing I can be literally left twiddling my thumbs with nothing (interesting) to occupy myself with and what's worse is that the stepkids usually only call anyway when they want something (they are normally dreadfully bad at returning calls, answering questions about contact, or responding to queries about their wellbeing) so it makes me doubly frustrated that DP sees nothing "wrong" in dropping everything to speak to them when they never bother to call unless it's in their interest.

He'll then come off the phone and say to me, as if it's a valid reason "sorry about that, that was SD" and I say "so I gathered" in an icy voice and suggest that he could have called her back later when it was more convenient but oh no, he can't do that as "you know how hard it is to get hold of her" - the honest translation of that being that the rude madam doesn't usually answer her dad's calls so to his mind he has to effectively "grab" her while he can. To me, that's so NOT the point - if he has a problem with her communication (or lack of) he should tackle her, not be rude to me.

To my mind, if we were sitting having a drink in a pub and someone came up unexpectedly and spoke to me for half an hour while completely ignoring DP he'd be justified in feeling peed off with me - and, emergencies excepted (and it never is) it should be no different with stepkid calls if they come at an inconvenient time. If I get a call, I usually ask DP - out of courtesy - if he minds me taking it (if we're in the middle of doing something special) and then, if it looks like it might turn into a long one and as long as it's not something important, I'll suggest to the caller that I'll ring back another time.

So how come it's different for stepkids ? .... it really is this whole thing of never "upsetting" them, or to be more precise, taking the "risk" that they might be upset. TBH, if they did bloody well get upset at being politely put off it says a lot more about their sense of self importance and lack of manners than anything else, and of course it would also be an opportune moment to remind them how awful they are at ever returning calls ..... but I can't ever see that happening.

As you can tell it really bugs me. It's pretty unbelievable actually that some adults and practically-adult age stepkids are treated with such kid gloves by their parents.

[thebluehen]

It's never ending isn't it? This absolutely ridiculous carry on that only damages the young person more and more.

Rather than making the young person feel secure in the relationship with their parent, they are simply being shown that the parent feels the "parent/child" relationship is fragile. The young person doesn't feel confident and happy, they end up feeling insecure and clingy and the cycle continues until god knows when. Probably til they cock up the relationships with their own kids because no one has ever role modelled secure, healthy parenting.

It's not even about parenting is it ? It's about treating each other and themselves respectfully and by default, the step parent too.

No one wins or gains anything.

I really wish these parents could understand this.

[Petal02]

I'd forgotten how hard it is, being married to someone whose main goal is the pursuit of someone else. It's just plain weird.