How can we help DSD?

[dogfish22]

I'll try and keep this short:

DH and I have been married for 2 years, together for 4, he's been divorced for 8 years. DSDs mum has shown little to no interest in DSD (11) for most of her life, though she sometimes had contact on a very irregular basis (meaning - when it suited her). DSDs mum is an alcoholic and very unstable personality. I remember there being no contact at all for long periods of my relationship with DH. Her alcoholism and the fact that she had numerous affairs caused the breakup and subsequent divorce.

Now, recently DSDs mum started to show some sort of interest, meaning she has contact for 1 night a week, and has hence been put on the 'super mum' podium by DSD, as she's a proper disney parent. This has been going on and off for 1.5 years now, with a break in contact as DSDs mum had a drug addicted boyfriend with violent tendencies and hence DSD has not been allowed by us at her mothers house for a time, until she split up with BF. DSD blamed herself for this break in contact as she had the sense to tell a school teacher about her mums BF, and that she's scared of him.

She has spent a lot of time alone with DH before we got together, hence there were mini-wife tendencies in the beginning, which I nipped into the bud for the most part, but I worry about the kid as she is so very insecure. She will tell everyone what a great mum her mother is, and yet clings to my DH, which is understandable but hard to deal with in every day life.

Now DH was helping DSD pack for guide camp the other day and said he's doing it all by the book as DSD is 'desperate to fit in', and that she quit choir the other day because nobody likes her there.

I understand the notion, I was a bit of an 'outsider' myself at that age (or any age really). But I think something bigger is amiss here.

Now DSD is a great kid, and I believe she's very bright, but she can also be bossy and annoying (which I think is my DHs fault as he's been treating her like an adult for too much of the time).

I can't even imagine how she must feel, with a mum that is so inconsistent, a dad who doesn't treat her age appropriately a lot of the time and a step mum whom she sees as a rival (misguided of course - but try to explain this to a 10 year old). I don't know how to get to the bottom of this. Am I overboard in thinking that therapy might help her? Any suggestions welcome.

[captainproton]

My mother was an alcoholic and I had some major rejection issues to overcome. I had some counselling in my 20s when I could get my head around it all.

I don't think you can do anything about it. The answer lies with the mother. I think if it were me I wouldn't allow contact to have started until the mother was in a good place and sober.

It is heart breaking watching a parent slowly kill themselves with booze. Knowing you are not enough of a reason to remain sober.

I don't know what to say to offer advice, even though I have been in your DSDS shoes. I suppose listening to her and valuing her and making sure she feels loved and secure?

Don't be surprised if she has a difficult time during her teens because of this.

I think it's also ok for her to be angry with her mum one minute and for her mum to be the best thing ever the next.

[doziedoozie]

Perhaps you can speak to someone, a Child Psychologist maybe, or similar to get some advice on how to handle this. And include DP in the conversation.

As captainproton says she could be difficult in her teens, it would be useful for you to know you are helping and not fanning the flames, her DM is likely to get iller not better over the years.

[Alita7]

Sounds like your doing a great job of being her step mum or mother figure!

Because her mum is so shit when she does do something good she will be so much happier about it than she would normally. she also let's her do what she wants and gets to be the fun mum... as she never has to make rules. As she gets older she will unfortunately see what her mums really been like but she will also have benefitted massively from the stable role you and your dp have In her life.

I was 'different' and didn't have many friends and while my mum is hardly emotionally stable she was always there, so maybe it's just her personality or she's been unlucky with friends. I'd just encourage her to do the social activities she enjoys like guides :)

[frames]

Hi, you sound very caring to come into this relationship. I too fwiw don't think there is much you can do, other than be as consistent and supportive as you have been., I am a SP of 1 DC and I can understand how by giving my dc autonomy..... .it can seem like this is allowing DC to be an adult.....and that might be a barrier for DPS.,Keep chipping away, take sometime for you, and be there. Sounds like a sad situation.

[dogfish22]

Ladies, thank you for the replies. Unfortunately we're having the next downer already, as DM is about to lose her flat (non payment yet again) and hence the contact arrangement is down the drain. I feel sorry for DSD.... and for us as it has sent DSD into a phase of bad behaviour before, and it'll be hard to cope with her.

[dogfish22]

It seems that step parenting is a lot about accepting things that you can't fix.

[crazykat]

Tbh I'd be stopping contact until her mum is sober. This constant stop-start contact cannot be good for your DSD especially a she's approaching the teen years which are hard enough.

It might be worth speaking to a child psychologist as to whether therapy would be appropriate to prevent any major problems in the future.

Whatever you do it sounds like you and your DH are doing a great job providing a stable home life.