At what point do you intervene?

[Kaluki]

For once I am posting from the other side of the fence as this isn't about my DSC but about my children's stepmum.
They used to like her and get on well but for the last few months they have been coming home complaining about her. They feel that she resents them, they never have time with their Dad without her, she makes sly digs at them, they don't like her dog, she smokes all the time, ignores them, etc etc.
Usually I tell them to speak to their Dad about it and leave it to them. A few months ago DS2 told me that she drove them somewhere and when he couldn't find the bit for the seatbelt she told him not to bother as it was just a short journey. I did text my ex about this (nicely) as to me that is a safety issue and I won't have them put at risk.
This weekend DS2 came home upset because she had made a joke about him being fat (he is a little chubby and is quite sensitive about it). When she saw he was upset she laughed and told him to man up and that he''d have to get used to being teased when he went up to secondary school . Apparently my ex didnt' stick up for him.
So do I follow my natural urge to phone him and give him a mouthful or do I keep quiet? How much do I let her get away with before I say something.
A bit of the background to this is that when they met they started trying for a baby and for some reason she can't fall pg so maybe her resentment of them is because she won't have her own child with him, whereas I have, which I can understand up to a point. I used to get on OK with her but lately she's been very off with me (since the seatbelt incident) and last few times he has bought them home she has stayed in the car looking miserable.
They now say they don't want to go on holiday with them this summer which would be a shame as previously they were really looking forward to it.

[PajamaQueen]

Could you have a word with dad - not give him a mouthful obviously but have a chat about issues the children have brought to your attention?

A lot of the way she's behaved could be down to her longing for a baby but it doesn't excuse the way she has been. Could you explain to your ex that something needs to be sorted as obviously if this continues it's his relationship with the children that will suffer.

I've seen some of your previous posts and you always come off as level headed so I've no doubt you'll handle this in the best way.

[Boomeranggirl]

This thread contrasts with the other thread on this board about the 13 year old and her SM, in that I do think that this IS emotional abuse and not an outburst given that it has been going in for months. Verbally bullying a child over their weight is serious in my opinion and needs to be nipped in the bud. If she is laughing at him being upset then I think she is enjoying him being uncomfortable and would suggest a red flag to me. The fact that they can't have kids is probably playing a huge part in her behaviour and your children need to be protected from this.

I would speak to their dad about this. I don't think I would give him a mouthful as that can easily be dismissed as ranting, I would very calmly lay out how serious you are taking this situation, that this sort of behaviour will not be tolerated and action will be taken if it doesn't stop. You must follow through if there is no change, you must protect your son from longer term emotional damage.

[MeridianB]

How awful for your DCs. No one should be speaking to them in that way, let alone someone who is in a position of trust.

And I'm shocked that their Dad did not say something.

I'd approach him for a chat. It sounds like you're on good terms and you're a very reasonable person but he needs to explain what's going on and what he plans to do about it.

[rosepetalsoup]

Sounds a bit like their relationship is breaking down. Not sure what to do, but you're right to be concerned about your DCs for sure.

[Elizabeth120914]

Although I'm not excusing this at all is it possible it wasn't as bad as it came back as with your child being sensitive about weight?

Not that it's acceptable if it wasn't but my oh says things that are totally insensitive to dsd and doesn't mean it he thinks it's a bit of a joke - duh obviously not to an 11 year old girl I always tell him to shut up or brush it under the carpet do u think your oh was trying not too make much of it?

If anyone said that to my child and meant it I'd want to give them a gob full too but sadly in our house we have to do a lot of being diplomatic as others have said it might not help..

I'd have a word with oh and say x is sensitive about weight and was upset about a comment and is now worried about holiday and see what he says?

[Kaluki]

It is hard to gauge how it was said. DS is hyper sensitive about his weight so he may have over reacted a bit.
But his dad knows this and still should have said something to her.
We are both going to his year 6 leaving concert next week so I might try and broach the subject then. I just don't want to look like the bitter ex wife!!!
She clearly has a problem with me and I don't want to give her any ammunition iyswim!

[MrsBartowski]

Can you email him?

Dear Ex,
I am writing because I don't think DS is able to approach this matter with you himself. He came home very upset over some comments SM made about his weight. I am sure you are aware that DS is sensitive about this issue and it's not something that should be used to mock him over. I am concerned that it might be seen as a 'joke' and may continue without you realising how upsetting it is for DS.

DS was very hurt by these comments and I am raising it now as I would not want it to go unchecked and become a barrier between you and DS spending time together.




It's hard because all I'd want to say would be "stand up for your son you arsewipe" but in the interest of keeping things amicable that's maybe not a good idea...

[purpleroses]

I would bring it up in person to your ex rather than email. He's quite likely to show his DP an email which could inflame things. Just tell him DS was upset about the weight comment and that they're feeling unsure about the holiday, which has surprised you because previously they were keen. You could ask whether he'd like to change the contact pattern a bit - have them for shorter periods, different times (when his DP is around less?) or anything else he can suggest to make our better for them? Is throw it up to him to find a way forward - he's the person who'll have the best idea what the problem is and he's the one who can change things to make the DCs happier.

[wheresthelight]

I agree talk to ex in person and calmly. It may not be as bad as ds is making out especially as you say they are both ssaying they never get time with just dad and then that she ignores them.

Could it be kids trying to play you and ex off against each other?

[pinkerson]

Definitely talk rather than email... And do remember that you weren't there and can't be sure what happened.

[LineRunner]

That relationship is doomed.

So you may as well say your piece to your Ex and tell him your children's welfare is paramount.

[beijaflor]

You can't be sure what happened, or what was said to your DS, or what your ex may have said to his wife when your DS was not around. So you should talk to him at the concert but just go in softly. Which it sounds like you are going to do anyway.

[Kaluki]

Well he phoned me last night to say he's not coming to the concert as planned which upset DS as this is the first time he's had a good role and the last event we will see at his primary school.
His reason was that she needs picking up from the airport from a business trip!
I'm afraid I wasn't calm and polite as I had planned to be and I told him he needs to sort out his priorities and I mentioned the incident last time they stayed over. He said she was obviously joking but I said weight is not a thing to joke about, especially as he's already sensitive.
So after a row heated discussion he has said he will pay for her to get a taxi home from the airport and go to the concert and then take the boys out for dinner afterwards.
He texted me this morning to say he is taking the boys to his Mums this weekend on his own. So either they have had a row and she's refused to have them or he is doing the decent thing and spending quality time with them - sadly I feel it must be the first one.
Thanks for all your replies!

[purpleroses]

Well good on your ex for standing up for his right to spend time with his DSs though. Shame it took a row with you to achieve it. Yes I would read going to his mum's on his own as either meaning they've had a row, or that they're both acknowledging that the relations between her and your DSs are strained right now. Maybe some time with just him and the DSs, and his mum will help.

I'd encourage your DS2 in particular to use the opportunity to talk to his dad about how he feels, maybe help him first identify what it is that has upset him and whether he can think of any practical changes that would improve things for him in the future. Or possibly to talk to his gran if he's close to her.