If you don't get maintenace for your DC's did your new partner just accept this and take on the responsibility that you came as a package?

[Barbs111]

Will keep this brief I don't get maintenance from my ex for my children, try my hardest call CSA regularly etc and debt it mounting up but after 6 years still not got a penny and to be honest I don't think I ever will, I have accepted this!

I'm pregnant by my bf and we have spoke about moving in together but I'm really bothered by a few comments he made, he got very shirty with me saying I need to get maintenance for my DC's and I would have to ask EXH for this, I have asked! he says no, if CSA can't get it from him then I have no chance!

When I pressed further on this issus it became apprant that he feels strongly that he should not have to support my DC's if we live together! I do work part time but will soon be on maternity!

So clearly if we live together I will lose a huge amount of my income in benfits and sll my childcare allowance and my wages would only just cover the weekly food shop and nothing else!

I'm really concerned about this attitude! Yes it would be fantastic if my ex supported his children but surley if you become a blended/step family isn't it just expected that you take on the whole family and live as one on the household income ?

[YouAreMyRain]

Don't move in with him unless he covers your drop in income. What is his general attitude to money? Is he generous or tight?

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

Nooooo, if your DP can't accept the financial impact he would have on your household income by moving in, and wants to operate a 2 tier budget where he gets to live comfortably while passively watching you and your DC (exc baby) live like poor relations/struggle, you cannot let him move in. It's not actually difficult to understand the financial dynamics of your current set up compared to a set up that includes him, in order to work out how you all as one family unit would manage. It's just not in you and your older DC's interests to make that happen if your DP refuses to understand that basic info.

[Barbs111]

Actually I'm begining to notice very tight!

He talks a good game, told me to let him know what I needed for baby etc but when it come to it wouldn't cough up! Thinks he is king because he actually paid £300 for my pram last week after I dragged him to the stop and demanded he buy it, but I have easily spent over £300 on all the other baby equipment we need!

Also noticed he is not coughing up it contributing to anything at my house even though he is here half of his time!

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

Yes. If you live together your DP has to help you to make up any shortfall created by becoming a 2 adult household. Presumably he knows that you haven't had cm and have been managing on your own for 6 years.

That means that if and when he moves in, his income will be used to help run the household that you now share instead of his own place. I'm sure he'll be better off, not just financially but in many ways, with a partner.

If he is seeing your dc as separate from you and the baby, then I'm afraid you need to do some serious thinking before you move in together. It's a bit late to find out that you're not compatible, but you can minimise the damage to your dcs and yourself by making sure that you now set firm boundaries and stand by them.

[EleanorHandbasket]

Urrgh.

No, I can't imagine being with someone who didn't see us as a package. Dh supported me and the older two dc for a long time when we first moved in together, as I have never had any meaningful maintenance and moving in with him meant a huge drop in income (he earns too much for any tax credits).

He now has PR for them and we have a toddler dc between us. We both work ft but I earn a fraction of his wage, all finances are completely shared and there's no question that we are one family unit.

Please don't subject your children to the set up he is suggesting.

[BankHolidayRain]

Yes.
No contact or maintenance ever in 18 years. Dh joined our family 16 years ago and everything has been shared. He supported us all while I studied for 3 years and just generally been a dad / step dad.

[Barbs111]

I have already put a stop to the option if him moving in! I'm jousting more concerned about his attitude, he was aware from day on that I was a single parent who didn't get maintenace!

I refuse to allow my children to be brought up differently anyone moving in with us needs to be part of one family and treat my DC's as there own.... I mean what would he do when the ice cream man turned up.... Buy one for his DC but not the rest?

[YouAreMyRain]

Very wise Barbs! You are asking the right questions at the right time.

BTW it's not "your" pram it's for his bloody baby!

[clam]

"Your" pram?

Have you posted about this before? If not, there was a very similar thread a few weeks ago, whereby the OP was about to lose all her benefits if her partner (and forthcoming baby's father) moved in. Everyone said not to let him. Might be worth searching out for a read.

[racmun]

Did you not discuss this before you planned to have a child with him?

[Barbs111]

Your right it is his baby's pram!

Calm no I haven't I will have a search and take a look at other threads!

Racmun this was a huge surpise baby, not planned at all thought I was well finished in that department

[gamerchick]

Yes my husband did with no issue at all.. my ex laughs about it and calls him a mug. Despite my husband being the one who whisks them off for shoes and clothes as soon as they need them as well as everything else they need.

You're doing the right thing keeping him at arms length.. you and your kids come as a package, maintenance or not.

[STOPwiththehahaheheloling]

What a prize!

I'd be reconsidering any sort of future with an attitude like that.

Please do not do anything that will leave you financially dependant in him.

[Fairylea]

He sounds awful to be honest.

I get maintenance for dd aged 11 but dh and I pool all our money into a joint account and share everything. I'm a sahm and we have a 2 year old as well now as the 11 year old. We're a family - we share it all.

[Barbs111]

Fairylea that exactly what I thought would happen here if he moved in, all money would be out together, bills etc deducted then the rest accessible to both of us for whatever else the family needed etc!

I'm very independent where I have been on my own for 6 years, I can't help but wonder what would happen if one of the DC's brought gone a letter for a school trip would I have to beg him for the £8 to pay for it?

[aprilanne]

to be honest do you really need to ask .surely you come as a package .my sons partner has a lovely little girl .and i would be horrified if he gave his biological dd and expected .the eldest to be treated diffrent .they are a family .just like i am everyones granny .end of story

[brdgrl]

I am a stepmum who is currently providing the majority of support for the family (2 DSC, 1 shared DD). That's just how things are at present for a variety of good reasons - in a year it might be my DH supporting us. They are all my family, so it's just what it is.

However. I do think (while I don't like the sound of your DP one bit!) that it is a bit more complex than just "coming as a package". You have to ask yourself honestly how you two will deal with not just paying for things - but actual financial planning and decisions. Are you happy for him to be a full partner, if that also means that he has a significant say in what choices you make for your children? Is your XH involved in your lives in other ways, and making decisions that your DP is concerned that he will then have to pay for? Just thinking of a recent examples from threads I have seen on MN - and this is just an example, I realize it isn't your case, but trying to illustrate the sort of differences that can come up down the road - what if you and/or your ex wanted to send the older kids to private school, and your DP didn't want to support that, but felt he was not involved in the decision, only expected to pay for it? What if you want the kids to go on school trips that he feels he/you both can't afford? Another one that I have seen on here - a stepmum who only wants to give a birthday/wedding gift of a certain size to the DSC, from the household income, but the parents and DSC think it should be more...My DH and I make financial decisions jointly, he doesn't say "well, they're my kids and I want them to have x", and at the same time, I don't say "well, they're YOUR kids, I don't want to pay for any of that"! But your DP may be concerned about the role of your XH in other ways, too.

Be very careful...a home with two 'tiers' is awful. I speak from experience - my DSC have outside financial support which my DD does not - and it is very difficult emotionally and practically.

[Elizabeth120914]

We pay for half the household bills each then OH who earns much more covers the extras/ work on the house etc we both have our own money left over from wages but if I'm with dsd and I buy something I don't ask OH for money for it likewise I buy all the food shopping/ cosmetics etc for dsd aswell as us I hadn't ever thought about it..

I'm going on maternity shortly so things will probably change a bit as I won't have so much income coming in. If we were asked to pay for an expensive school trip etc it would be discussed but OH has paid for the majority of the expensive baby stuff without question... Likewise I have a horse which isn't a cheap hobby but if I need money for it it's not an issue at all.

Has always worked fairly well for us..

[JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth]

Even if you started receiving csa payments tomorrow, it might be a daft amount that wouldn't cover the cost of bringing up 2 children. That's why we see Csa as an added bonus but myself and dh pool our money to ensue we've covered all our expenses

Dh has been a Dad to my sons since they were toddlers, my eldest is now 10 and we have a new baby girl. When it comes to money dh spends more on them than I do. I'm one to try to stitch up torn trousers but he'll go straight out and replace them because he says he loves them to look smart. Dh has always willingly paid for their upkeep to the detriment of himself.

I wonder whether if your partner is unwilling to pay for your kids does that mean he won't be parenting them either? My dh would never missa parents evening, he takes them to Football training and matches and generally does everything a Dad should, including discipline. Its worth finding out what sort of role He intends to play in their lives otherwise as they grow up it will become more apparent that they are second class citizens. Personally I would get rid of him

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I'm not being funny but i moved in with my DP and he pays maintenance for his kids - he would never expect me to stump up and start paying for them. His responsibility his kids and at the end of the day while I love his kids etc I would expect if he lost his job he would stop paying maintenance.

I am at this on a slightly different angle but why should your bf be paying for you all?

Fair enough he should be contributing to the household and supporting his own child and you - But what would you do if he wasn't around and you were left on your own?

I think it's quite presumptuous of you to think that he should be paying for everyone. Fair enough you come as a package and it's crap you don't get maintenance from ex but surely that's not your current DPs problem?

I know I sound like a total bitch but I'd be less than happy if my DP turned round and told me to start paying 'maintenance' for his kids.( but to be honey if probably offer knowing me) . Yes when we do our food shop we cater for everyone but i don't pay for clothes or other stuff for them.

I think a 2 tier system would be tough to manage- is DP that tight that he will make you pay for you child's 'share of the bills'?

If so then maybe he's not such a catch but I don't think he should be put in the stocks for saying he won't support your other child financially. After all it's not his fault you can't get maintenance and had a child with another man.

Step parents are often told to butt out of a lot of things - it's not their business or their child- but if you want DP to have parental rights over his steps child maybe you should look into it. Maybe if you explain this and he had some authority over the child he would be more accepting of 'footing the bill' so to speak.

Sorry to sound harsh in not normally a bitch- I'm just looking at it from a different angle.

Good luck xx

[RabbitSaysWoof]

I think its because op income would go down significantly as a direct result of him moving in always (tax credits)
Presumably your partner earns the same now as before he met you, and being with you didn't have negative financial implications?

[Bohemond]

I agree with racmum. I fail to understand how you could not have discussed these things before you got pregnant.

[YouAreMyRain]

There are 23 messages on this thread. Why some people CBA to read them I don't know. The OP has already said that it was an accidental pregnancy and that although she is self supporting now, if he moves in she loses tax credits etc so her income would reduce.

[Softlysoftlycatchymonkey]

Don't move with in. He is not ready to be part of a family.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

rabbit the OP said that her bf wanted her to get maintenance as he didn't want to pay for that which I think is fair enough. I don't know the bf but maybe he would be happy supporting everything else I'd expect my DP to support me if I was having his child and I'd expect that he still supports his own children.

Like I say I am at a slightly different viewpoint from the OP but I can see why her bf is being the way he is. Think it's crap if he wants a 2 tier system. I'd never dream of buying for my own(not that I have any) and not his kids. I'm not that fickle. But I do think the OP should consider where her bf is coming from.