Do I need to shut up or should there be comprimise

[areyoustilltalking]

Hi all,

Ill keep this brief. Have two SD 13 and 10. Am civil with the ex, but she is seriously lacking in parenting skills. However, she is the mother of DHs kids so am polite respectful and helpful where I can but as much as possible leave them to it. I have three kids with DH and one on the way - no one knows about - recently married, was a honeymoon baby that was a pure accident - but despite me having a health condition and being at uni full time, DH put his foot down to a termination so here we are. I also work, take care of an elderly relative so dont have a great deal of time. Am due to be sterilised (excuse spelling) with my C Section. Though it isnt relevant, for the MN trolls, I wasn't the OW - I was his second relationship since the split. Have been with DH nine years (they split when youngest SD was months old, ex had affair, DH went away for planned weekend with the lads, came home, the locks had been changed, OM was living there).

I'm struggling with the SDs and the ex, and DH attitude and lack of respect towards me, and just general gripes I suppose every SM deals with. I sit exams this week at uni. Ex had agreed to just a weekend stay this week for the girls and in return we cover the next half term and teacher training days. We have them three nights a week anyway, but I am nicely stressed, and have a kidney infection to boot so ex said it wasnt an issue. DH is not here this week anyway - he is helping his Mum and brother move his grandmother into an old peoples home and that involves packing up the house. His grandfather hasnt long died, very emotional for them all, and his Mum isnt in great health and his brother currently has a broken arm and foot (through drunken injury but lets not go there) so he is needed there. Ex knows this as she is so far up MIL arse its hard to tell where one starts and the other finishes (there is more to this, im not just being a cow) but I digress.

Both SD knew what was happening, and that my Mum has been coming over to help with my kids. Eldest SD has been ringing at least six times a day to come round. Explained her dad isnt here, today I was met with 'you fat bitch, you never want us there, where is my dad' - I put the phone down, rang DH and the Ex - asked what had gone on for that outburst. Turns out Ex has been leaving them in the house on their own all week, while she took her other kids to places like alton towers. Youngest SD has suspected autism so isn't easy to take on days out, wets the bed at night, runs off, has epic tantrums, but we manage ok, but ex and her DH wont entertain taking them anywhere. Eldest SD doesnt feel comfortable being left with her sister because of her behaviour, but has been all week All day. Ex's SD has been telling eldest SD she isnt wanted there, should move out, is a freak, her dad doesnt want her either he has a new family, she should go kill herself. So explains outburst. Ex refused to discipline her SD as 'sd10 is highly strung and should ignore it'. She refuses to take SD 10 to be assessed as her other daughter has autism and she finds its embarrasing that two might have it, and will look bad on her. Wont even take her to the drs regarding bed wetting.

About 10 mins ago, the SDs were just dropped off, as the ex had had enough of their 'bullshit' and wants to go out. I was told I knew I was taking them on when I married DH and that if im unwell my mum should look after them all. My degree isnt her problem and then asked me for an advance on maintenance. I was gobsmacked. As a favour she'll pick them up sunday tea time. I'm still fuming this woman gate crashed my wedding and spent two hours at my reception, with MIL and SIL slagging off my wedding food, and my dress and my family.

I'm sick of having to tow the line - so I dont upset her, im sick of being put on, as I know have SDs all week, as DH cant let his mum down. He isnt even coming home until friday now - as its a long drive and his family need him. Im sick of having to pay for everything since DH was made redundant including maintenance, as DH is scared she'll stop contact, im sick of how they speak to me, how manipulative the lot of them are. SICK AND TIRED, and ive not even been married that long.

If you've got this far, thank you. Fed up and needed to rant xx

[MellowAutumn]

Brief ?

[MellowAutumn]

Honestly - can totally understand why you are fed up. You need to stop paying his maintenance now , yo also need to ring him and tell him to come home NOW. I can understand how things happen little by little but this is beyond and you need to draw a line in the sand with all of them.

[Smo2]

I just want to say, I'm really sorry you are having to put up with this bollocks. I'm am an ex wife, and I'm treated appallingly by my husband and his wife (who is the OW) I have never once behaved as she has, and I have never been afforded the respect you have given to her, nor have I ever had any kind of accommodating gesture towards me like you've done.

This sucks, and though I feel your need to rant....I'm guessing your OH needs to sort this out in support of you. I hope he does. xxx

[areyoustilltalking]

I'm sorry - I tried to keep it brief, but it was like a release, and didn't expect any replies so thank you both. DH is coming home tomorrow afternoon - have had a call from the MIL to explain how selfish I'm being, and how they are part of my family and I should be happy the ex isnt precious about me seeing them. WTF. Not impressed.

I don't begrudge seeing them at all - and do treat them as part of the family - its just arrangements and agreements had been put in place with the ex regarding this week anyway - for her to just dump her kids, so she can go out drinking, when she knows im on my own here anyway. I honestly see my role as being as supportive and helpful to DH and his relationship with his daughters, but without the responsibility. It makes me feel bad to say it, but its how I feel.

I do not feel very well at all - and my three have been brilliant. Tidying up after themselves and been happy to do activities at home, such as painting, board games, dvds etc. The SDs are high maintenance, and Ive only just persuaded them to go to bed, which has caused hell with my three, as they dont see it as fair they are up hours later. I'm reminded by DH, EX, SD that they are not my kids and im not allowed to tell them off/discipline them in any way - but its ok for me to have them last minute for days on end. Told them tonight, after they'd demanded I go to McDonalds as they dont fancy what id made for dinner, whilst they are in my home, they will show me some basic respect and courtesy - or I will start talking or treating them the way they do me, not mature I know, but had hit limit.

As for the maintenance, ive told DH and the ex it stops as from today. Especially when I found two black bin bags full of washing that the ex had left of SDs, as and a direct quote from the text from ex 'you have more time to do their washing than I do'. Hell No. I'll wash, iron and put away what they need at this house, her washing for her house, her problem.

SMO2 I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. I have always tried to treat her with respect and courtesy as I believe in treating people as you would want to be treated, but it hasnt been mutual im afraid. I'm fast working it out that all this is not worth the grief. The ex couldnt even be bothered to take her daughter for a proper bra fitting when she started developing, preferring to guess her size, which resulted in the wrong size bra, that made it look like she had four boobs, and SD13 was ripped to shreds at school. As she only had the one bra. So I ended up taking her, and paying for several sets. Didnt want to as I felt that was over stepping it - its something between mum and daughter, but ex didnt give a monkeys. She wasnt paying I suppose. I felt uncomfortable as stupid as it sounds and as its something I wanted to do with my daughter for the first time, taking someone, not SD. But she was getting bullied, and all in all I just want whats best for them. But feel a mug still.

Have explained to DH when he got arsey that the SDs were here, and im like what was I supposed to do, shut the door in their face - that the days of being used are over. He needs to sort his ex out, and establish boundaries, and whilst I will be supportive, it wont be to the detriment of me or my kids. Apparently I'm evil, dont love them, dont want them, cant accept them blah blah - no mate, your ex is being a nob and seeing as you got her pregnant twice, shes your problem.

Again another essay but it feels good to get a release x

[Cabrinha]

There's a lot going on there.
But at the heart of it all - do you want to be with your husband?
You don't like his attitude, his lack of respect - and you sound like you were forced into keeping the pregnancy.
As you say no-one knows, are you not very far along still?
You don't have to go through with it if you don't want to.

If you do want stay with your husband, stop paying his maintenance! No way is she going to stop contact, based on what you've said - even if she threatens it.

The girls are old enough to have their wishes taken into account, too.

It sounds like they're treated badly at home, and it is wrong if the younger one is not getting the right diagnosis and support. Why doesn't your husband take her to the GP? If they're being treated badly at home, why doesn't he apply to be resident parent?

[Cabrinha]

Who is accusing you of being evil or not wanting them?
I can't tell if that's the ex wife or your husband?
If your husband, then as per my post above, I'd be thinking seriously about whether you also want to be an ex wife. Sorry. He sounds pathetic - your stepdaughters' behaviour suggests they are suffering here. When is he going to step up and be a good father?

[areyoustilltalking]

Cabrinha,

Thanks for your reply. I'm 15 weeks along - no one knows as I'm not ready to say anything. You're right I didnt want to be pregnant - it makes me sound awful, but I worked hard to get into uni, and felt we'd finally got a good routine at home but DH said he didnt want me to terminate. Promised the earth to help make it work...well you can see how well its going. He is trying really hard to find work, and at home is generally supportive. It seems to be the ex. I have never said anything negative before I've had enough.

It was DH who said all that about being evil, when I said I was stopping paying maintenance. I am considering leaving, seriously considering it. I wasnt aware DH could take SD to the doctors unless it was an emergency. Something else I will point out. Yes they are treated like they are in the way, which is why I try to be as accomodating as possible, so they spend more time here. They are here for weeks on end sometimes. But I need more support I suppose, DH has been doing more for MIL since he was made redundant, she thinks he has the time now, and I should handle things here. Things there went downhill, when my Mum was called to watch the kids at 11.30pm as DH had been summoned to pick MIL and EX up from a restaurant as both were to drunk to drive home, I was in hospital at the time, not so much as a text, but DH still got chapter and verse on how I need to toughen up I have five kids to sort out now. MIL has always been the president of EXs fan club, including having no pictures of our kids up - but loads of SDs and DH and the Ex together and EX on her own. No love lost there.

[brdgrl]

They are walking all over you. I am really shocked.

Draw a line. Refuse to have the kids - they are NOT your responsibility. Financially, practically, or emotionally. Suggest your MIL and the ex get the facts straight. You aren't obliged to provide anything for your DH's kids. What you choose to give to them out of love or affection or kindness is up to you. The level of disrespect and abuse you are getting from ALL parties in this set-up suggests to me that you should chose to detach. Financially, practically, and emotionally.

If you had a sister with children, and she pulled these kind of stunts, would you tolerate it?

Your DH sounds like a prize jerk.

[Kaluki]

Blimey you poor thing.
They are all treating you like shit!
Time to stand up for yourself and put a stop to it!
First off tell your 'D'H to be a father and grow a pair and stop pandering to his mother and ex.
Then stop paying money to his ex and tell DH and his DDs that they will follow YOUR rules in YOUR house or they can use the door.
I've heard some hurrendous stories on here but yours is truly awful.
Time to make a stand!!!

[possiblyprecious]

You are going way way beyond the call of duty. You have been allowing everyone to treat you very badly. Try to start setting some boundaries to start teaching them how you want to be treated.

[BuzzLightbulb]

Do you mean ex MIL?

What the hell ?

You need to staighten your DH out, what does he think he's doing pandering to his ex?

The word 'ex' says it all, if he feels guilty you've got work to do.

[MellowAutumn]

No its the op's CURRENT mil !!! Glad you have stopped the maintenance. you also now need to think seriously about a termination - not saying you should have one but you need to think what's best for YOu and YOUR kids

[BuzzLightbulb]

Mellow, I don't think it is. OP says DP had to summon her mother (which would be DP current MIL) so DP could collect MIL & EX from a night out.

Apparently they don't have taxis where they live. Or they can afford the drinking but not the taxi home.

On separation, is the retained link solely the children? So yes, DP can have contact with MIL if it involves the children.

I'm being hard about this because we got the run around from DP's ex, and are still, for example - ex bought a dog then told us we should have it when we have the kids so he didn't have to look after it!

Funny how the DH can be so strong on the pregnancy but not on his ex.

You really do need to take control of your own situation, and your own health, mental as well as physical.

[MellowAutumn]

Arh didnt read it that way Buzz but so agree Op needs to set up some major boundaries !!!

[bibliomania]

Those poor kids.

You're definitely not the villain of the piece though. Sounds like you've bent over backwards to be accommodating.

Tbh I think it's awful your "D"H ruled out a termination. Who made him the boss of everything, including your body?

I think you're absolutely right to stop paying the maintenance. And I say that as someone who is normally very strongly in favour of maintenance being paid.

You know you don't have to stay in this situation...

[Actifizz]

I can't get past the fact that your husband has basically forced you to remain pregnant when you don't want to be.

[areyoustilltalking]

Buzz - My Mum refuses to speak to DH for summoning her at that hour, to pick up his mother and ex - when not only could FIL - BIL - her husband - taxi etc got them home, but I was in hospital at the time. She finds his family and the situation disgraceful and it shows in the atmosphere. She refuses to talk to DH now and will only help with the kids if I ask, or its an emergency.

Thanks for the support - I know what you are all saying is right, its just really hard to accept in RL. I've invested a lot into this relationship, and the SDs and get nothing back.

DH walked in this afternoon, after promising to be back yesterday. I am really poorly now, but didnt even ask how I was feeling. The SDs are still here. My Mum was going to take my kids but I said there wasnt a lot of point if the SDs are still here, as mine are no bother. (Wanted to take my painkillers, but they are strong and they space me out, so couldnt with the SDs or my DC here and me on my own ). DH was met with complete indifference when he strolled through with a smug looking MIL. I just went upstairs without speaking a word to either of them. The ex then called my mobile to say she couldnt pick them up today like she had text last night to say, but would be over SUNDAY instead. I asked her why she hadnt called DH, she said she couldnt get an answer, I said no problem hes downstairs. Went downstairs passed the phone to him, he said no worries, ill drop them off as areyou... isn't very well and they want to spend time with you. I took the phone and went back upstairs. She then calls back, I answer and say hang on I'll get DH, she says no its you I want..can you not have them...I need a break...I said DH is literally on the way out the door, she says fine then, you want it like that, I'm phoning the CSA in the morning and I'll take you to the cleaners. I said Ok, if thats what you feel is best, but be aware I have no responsibility towards your children, DH is unemployed, so it will be a nominal payment if any. I think its probably best if we go down that route from now on. Then hung up. She then text DH with a load of abuse, what has he married, how can he let me mind the girls, I hate them, I'm a whore, etc. He came up, showed me the messages, I just laughed and passed him the phone back, and carried on with some uni work, without speaking a word. He didnt bother to defend me, or even say she was wrong, stood there looking gormless, so I just shrugged and ignored him.

He came up later after he'd dropped them off - and put ours to bed, which he has done twice in the past three years so obviously creeping. He said, 'you need to tell me how you're feeling, you're being unreasonable, and selfish, and we need to find a way for you to change'. I looked up and basically told him our marriage is in the toilet, and whilst yes, my health problems are a lot to deal with (kidney disease, torn back disc, low iron count, IBS and pelvic inflammatory disease) there is no need for the way im being treated. I am not his EXs bank account, his financial responsibility to his ex for his children is not mine, and whilst I dont treat them differently I am not paying maintenance. Access happens for them to spend time with him and the family, I am not a babysitter and am not longer prepared for him to leave me with them for days on end. Especially when im on the verge of being hospitalised with a kidney infection and been prescribed morphine for the pain. I am not having MIL cuss me off, to him, my children or anyone anymore and if she cant be civil or at least tolerable she is not welcome. I wont be abused, taken advantage of, or in any way mugged off by his ex anymore. Respect is a two way street, and whilst I dont care what she says about me really - as I dont think that much of a woman who treats her own kids as she does, and will dump them anywhere, I wont be cussed out in front of the SDs or my kids or the ILs. I refuse to do more for SDs than I would for a house guest. The SDs need to start treating me with the respect an adult should get, let alone one that sits for three days with a kidney infection to help SD13 finish a project, shes had four months to do, but her mum wouldnt buy her the materials or help her with and then be called a useless fat bitch when she cant lift it off the table without help and im too unwell to lift it.

I said he needs to lay the law down with his ex, get SD10 seen by a doctor for bedwetting and suspected autism, and SD13 - if she needs bras etc MIL can take her. A regular access schedule is to be stuck to, and if EX is struggling then residence can be discussed, but I wont be picking up the pieces, as I have no respect for a man who treats his wife like this, and have spent the day looking for rental properties, by my mum, without him.

Finished by saying that I have tried, you took advantage and the love I thought I had for you is disappearing and you dont care. I am not staff - I am supposed to be your equal partner you love and care for, and I dont think you do. Oh told him if he mentions pregnancy - I will pack his stuff then and there - I'm not emotional, just reached a limit. He needs a job, and some balls. Then took my laptop - and though I shouldnt be driving am in the uni library - to get some space while he thinks it over. He has been texting me non stop - he loves me, hes sorry etc. Well words are cheap, lets see some action. I have house viewings he doesnt know about - and a plan B - and to be honest - I dont think I have it in me to try with him anymore. SD13 text to say sorry for swearing and thank you for help with homework, did wonder if DH had had a word, but when I just text to say no worries (no kiss like usual as im annoyed) she text back 'I do appreciate what you do for me, you're the mum I wish I had' - well I cried like a baby - I do love the girl, but its hard work. It isnt her fault, her parents are arseholes, but I cant take responsibility for everything all the time.

So if you've got to the end of this, which is longer than the essay im supposed to be writing lol - thank you. I'll be in limbo while I work out what to do - but feel better for getting it all out and taking a stand. We'll see what happens. xx

[areyoustilltalking]

Actifizz - I also have an appointment for counselling Monday regarding a termination. I dont know how I feel about the pregnancy now at this stage, and am unsure how to proceed. So am going to see what my options are at the minimum, and to talk it through with someone who isnt the nob im married to, if I decide to keep this baby, it will be MY decision not his. I know its late, but my kidney consultant told me to think hard about the pregnancy as I get pre eclampsia and that causes my kidneys to swell and basically the function drops considerably. I've told my husband about my appointment - and what the consultant said. I've said I appreciate how he feels and wont disregard it, but I have other children to consider, and only one income. He said he would support me either way, but we'll see. Past caring anyway what he says or does, hes spent our entire relationship putting his needs and wishes first, its my turn now. x

[areyoustilltalking]

Buzz - it was DHs mother and DHs ex he was summoned to collect, and my mother he demanded to come look after the kids while he did so - not ask - literally command. He also text and called her the entire time, telling her to hurry up as he didnt want a bollocking from them - complete waste of space - my mum waited til he got in, gave him a piece of her mind, then text his mum the day after to basically say she should have more consideration and plan her activities better, and she wont be watching the kids again at that time, while im unwell, for shitty reasons like that. So she'll have to walk home next time. Found that part out today, when DH was talking about building bridges with my family. Again, wont hold my breath xx

[brdgrl]

I wanted to cheer when I read what you said to your DP. Good for you! Wish you had some real world support, but you know you have done the right thing by standing up for yourself. Keep it up. Write a list - like you have here - of what needs to change and look at it.
You are obviously a very competent and intelligent person, so don't let others grind you down and harm your health and your future. Life should have joy in it.

[clam]

Wow. Just wow!

Good for you. I began the thread despairing of how much you were letting them abuse you, but I'm so glad to see you've found your balls and have told him/them all what's what.

Stay strong.

[MellowAutumn]

Op - you should be a MN poster girl and I know you still have a lot to face but you have made an indescribable start !! If you ever need anyone to talk to in RL pm me and I would love to give you some telephone support

[bibliomania]

Oh well done! Hugely impressed at how you finally told your H where to get off. Best of luck with your future, whichever direction you take.

[Kaluki]

Round of applause for you!!
Big up!!
I don't know you but I felt proud of you reading that!