Social services clap trap!

(35 Posts)
louby44 Thu 17-Oct-13 21:04:08

Still little improvement with the my DSD and DP and then last week we discover that DSD13 broke down with her teacher/counsellor at school telling her that "my dad beat my sister up on holiday".( She's seeing the counsellor for self harming!) The teacher then reported it to Social Services they subsequently came to visit DP's ex-wife today as they are concerned about the girls!! WTF. They want to interview DP here in our home as they are also concerned about the safety of my 2 DS. I am amazed at the stupid woman's assessment of a man and a situation that she knows NOTHING about! The word of a stroppy, aggressive, angry 15 year old is obviously more important than anything else. We are amazed, astounded...we are speechless.

Ex wife has told them all about DSD vile temper, her abuse towards her, the fact that she was cautioned by the police for slapping and hitting her mother. The drinking, smoking, underage sex, piercings were all mentioned. means nothing - she can get away with all that!

DP is utterly devastated. He worships those girls, he has cried over missing them over the years that I've known them.

The stupid social worker has suggested that they should now only see their dad in public places as he is too dangerous for them to be here overnight. Words fail me!

Kaluki Sat 19-Oct-13 01:38:12

Teenagers have sex, pierce their bodies, wear dodgy clothes, wear too much make-up, abuse drugs and alcohol and smoke cigarettes
Really? All teenagers do this? So we are supposed to just shrug and let them get on with it because that's just what teenagers do and then when our own dc beat us up, that's fine because they are just being teenagers?!
I know plenty of teenagers who wouldn't dream of doing these things.
Trooper I completely agree with your post.

louby44 Sat 19-Oct-13 08:18:39

Also interesting is that DSD mum's boyfriend has a criminal record after spending time in prison. Ex-wife admitted this to SS.

fairy1303 Sat 19-Oct-13 09:54:51

Hi Louby,

I commented on your other thread.

I said there, and I stand by it, that I do not and can't imagine condoning a parent slapping their child.

I completely understand that her behaviour has been unacceptable and I can understand what drove him to becoming so frustrated though - I think a lot of us have been there with our own children, add into that a stroppy teenager and I can understand how he would have felt pushed to his limit BUT I do still feel that as an adult, he should have controlled that better.
Still, I expect he knows that and it doesn't achieve anything.

I think it is understandable that SS are concerned, to be honest.
I say that as a social worker. (albeit with Adults, not children)
They have had an allegation of abuse.

They have an absolute duty to follow that up, you would want that for any child in an abusive situation, wouldn't you? that the avenue was thoroughly checked out to protect a child that has said she saw her father beat up her sister.

Hopefully, your DSD will receive support with her issues. Hopefully as parents you been given support to deal with this behaviour.

Good luck.

fairy1303 Sat 19-Oct-13 10:00:36

Yes it does, the legal age to purchase alcohol is age 18 - you also have to be 18 to buy cigarettes - so unless they're going out and stealing them, they're getting them by deception, ergo lying.

Oh COME ON

When I was a teenager I was sleeping with my boyfriend(s), smoking, drinking, smoking weed...

So were 90% of my friends

I do genuinely think that it normal, part of figuring out who you are, etc etc

What is not normal is for a teenager to lash out and be violent, but that is a separate issue.

louby44 Sat 19-Oct-13 10:34:46

Fairy I totally agree with your post!

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sat 19-Oct-13 10:53:25

I can understand what drove him to becoming so frustrated though - I think a lot of us have been there with our own children

I would hope that repeated assaults by a teen on her parents is not something a lot of parents experience.

This isn't about frustration - being hurt, attacked to the point that blood is drawn creates a biological, hormonal response! How many if us have cried "OW" instinctively when our toddler pulls our hair only for our cry of pain to frighten our toddler, leading to tears on their part?

The OPs DP was being violently assaulted. By someone of his physical equal, and it was not an isolated incident. Far from being frustrated I imagine his emotion was fear; of pain, injury and risk to others. Slapping her was no more a conscience decision in that situation than a yelp of pain in response to our toddlers love-tugs.

NotYoMomma Sat 19-Oct-13 11:02:22

tbf you havr all let it get this far.

if dd has been violent for years, lives with an ex con, has been fighting with her mum physically prior to this and was brandishing a knife at theageof 9 ! 9!!!

then what the actual hell have you all been doing other than complaining about her behaviour, her exaggerating, blaming it all on the mother

ss shoukd have been involved and support given years before now! a nine year old doesn't generally threaten people with onives unkess they have some serious psychological issues.

you need to get a grip, be honest, accept social service involvement and for gods sake not blame it entirely on a child. dsd13 was the one to raise it, not the 15 year old. do you think its healthy for her either?

mumandboys123 Sat 19-Oct-13 11:08:24

I have no suggested 'all' teenagers, drink, have sex, take drugs, stay out etc. etc. But the OP has suggested that because of these issues, her step daughters are automatically 'liars' in all areas of their lives and therefore she seems to be suggesting that social services should also assume that the girls are lying. It doesn't work like that.

He is a grown man who lost his temper and hurt his child. Unless she is twice his size and strength (which seems unlikely), he could have sought to restrain any physical assault she made on him, rather than fight fire with fire. Please don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting that the girl in question is somehow a victim or is somehow 'right' here. But the father, as an adult, could have made different choices. He didn't - which is why the situation is what it is now. Being sorry doesn't mean it never happened or that the family dynamic is not so poor that it needs some kind of professional intervention.

As for the age of my children and step children, that is irrelevant. I am a teacher in a very deprived area working in a less than desireable school - I know what some young people are up to and are capable of. Many 'good' teenagers are far from angels - up to all sorts behind their parent's backs that they get away with because they're calculated and clever and co-ordinated with their friends! By far the majority of frustrated and angry teens have family and step family dynamics that are less than perfect. Not all troubled teens come from 'broken homes'. Indeed, one of the most difficult teens I have worked with comes from possibly the most sensible, well-managed, financially secure household you could ever hope to have. But many children do struggle with the crap their parents put them through when their relationships breakdown. It would be rare that both 'sides' don't contribute to that (I've had one hell of a week with my ex myself and realise I could have done it differently but in the heat of the moment what happens happens). My school would have considered it responsible to pass on a father hitting his daughter to Social Services too. Indeed, to not do so would surely be neglecting a duty of care. Next time it could be far worse and should the child be hurt worse or killed, who do you think would take the flack for that?

OP - you need to change your attitude. Your husband has 'made' this situation, more than likely with your help and support and even more help and support from his ex wife. It is an opportunity to do right by his children and get things working better for everyone. Don't dismiss it as the mother's problem. The children have two parents who need to work this out, and as part of their lives, you are also part of it.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sat 19-Oct-13 11:26:02

SS will Already have "involvement" - there would automatically be a referral to SS at the time the behaviour was criminalised.

The fact that they decided to do nothing is not what surprises me; what is unbelievable is that some posters on this thread are holding the OP accountable for the lack of professional involvement in her DSD life.

louby44 Sat 19-Oct-13 14:58:06

notyomomma

It's not as black and white as you make out. She hasn't been violent 'for years'. Her parents split up when she was 9 and this obviously had an effect. I wasn't around then so really can't comment. She has always been an angry child, her and her dad are very similar in temprement. Her aggression has got worse over the last 12 months when her mum split from her long term partner of 6 years. He was a stabilising influence on both girls. Mum attempted suicide over New Year, the girls were never told about this as far as we know. Mum may have since told them. DSD15 had some counselling 2 years ago through school as she was having issues with attendance.

Both parents have attended parents evenings regularly where the girls were seen to be happy and functioning well with their studies.

She doesn't live with an ex con. This man is her mother's boyfriend who she has been dating off and on since the summer, he doesn't live with them.

We are honestly all just normal people. When I read back what people presume about me, my DP and our lives it makes us sound like some dysfunctional misfits, we really aren't like that. I'm a primary school teacher and my DP holds a managerial position in a large global company.

We have had a happy family life (with all 4 of our kids) weekends away, family outings and parties, fantastic holidays abroad, visits to the cinema, all normal stuff until recently. Mainly when DSD hit 15 and resisted visiting here and started demanding money, lying to her dad (and mum) and just generally being awful!

Mumofboys I presume your kids are pre-teens because you would have said. Honestly working with teenagers is TOTALLY , UTTERLY different than living with them. I can't stress that enough. It is utter madness talking to a teenager sometimes, they are exasperating!

I'm not going to change my attitude. We support SS involvement. My DSD is the one that needs help not my DP.

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