I am the wicked step mother!

[mrspicklepants]

I thought our issues with her were coming to an end as she was becoming an adult but at aged 18 I thought dp should stop giving her hand outs now and let her stand on her own two feet. He however is so stuck in the mindset of dd asks dd gets its just an impossible habit to break! The worst thing is we were getting on well in our relationship having been through a rough patch and now I find out he's lying to me and I can't even confront him about it because the reason I know is I checked his phone which puts me firmly in the wrong! So all I can do now is bite my tongue as he blatantly lies about telling dsd she needs to buckle down and save for things she wants (that we really can't afford to give her) when I know he as usual just handed it over to her. So angry just needed to vent!! I need to just forget it for my own sanity and move on from it and maybe learn my lesson about looking at his phone don't I?:-/

[IrisWildthyme]

I think it's a bit harsh and unrealistic to expect financial support to cease at only 18! Yes she needs to save and take some responsibility herself but personally I was in my late-20's before I stopped needing an occasional hand-up for important things from the bank-of-mum-and-dad.

Yes, as you know, YABU to check your partner's phone, and he IBU to withold info from you such that you felt you had to - but if you could do a sanity check on the jealousy you are clearly feeling for your DP's care and attention towards his daughter, I think you'd all be a lot happier.

[mrspicklepants]

Thanks for reply! U make a few good points there but I would say my main issue is we are struggling to meet our mortgage repayments each month and whilst I know his dd may need help now and then with important things I don't think a night out for a friends birthday is more important than our home. And from snooping(I know,my bad!) I now know he agreed to give it to her and then lied to me about it. It is almost addictive to look and see what else he has lied about now though....

[ChinaCupsandSaucers]

DCs are not entitled to handouts at any age - and if bank of mum and dad are struggling to meet the necessities then DCs have to live within their own means, just like the rest of us.

OP your DP lied to you. It doesn't matter how you found out - there is a fundamental flaw in your relationship.
If you can, split your finances so you don't end up bankrolling your DSD at the expense of your own financial security, and accept that your DP may choose a different path.

[Petal02]

You can't excuse his behaviour just because you checked his phone !!

I had this with my ex husband, I found out about his affair because I checked his phone. In his eyes, my snooping 'cancelled out' his affair. So whilst it's not ideal to check someone's phone, it doesn't mean what you discover in the process has to go unchallenged.

[Aroundtheworldandback]

The reason you looked is because your instinct told you to- and it was correct. If he treated you as a partner you would not have had the need to snoop.

I have had this very same problem. I once found a text from dss asking to 'borrow' dh's credit card. Dh didn't hesitate. He now is under no misunderstanding that if his children or mine ask for something, if has to be discussed between us. In theory anyway! One more reason I am cast as the wicked sm! Life was so much easier without me before the word 'no' existed!

[MisForMumNotMaid]

I don't read this as a step parenting thing. Substitute DSD with bet or alcohol, night out, Fifa 14/ grand theft auto game and its a trust issue.

If money is really tight coud you sit down and do a budget? Get hold of several months bank statements/ receipts so you can get a quick list together of all your deffinate outgoings like mortgage, fuel, council tax, tv licence etc. Then look at whats left and budget for petrol, cars/ travel, food and essentials shop.

We all have indulgences that others see as frivolous whether it the taste of a certain tea bag making the extra worth while, or a newspaper. Could you come to an agreement for how much you can both spend on these frivolous things without discussion? So if your DH decides his DD's night out is more important than his friday night out thats his choice.

[Kaluki]

I completely agree that you need to use this information to protect your own financial security. Why should you risk losing your home so that your DSD can live it up?
DP can be a bit Disney with money, although better than he was, I can see bumps in the road ahead as the DC all hit the teenage years so we have a joint account purely for household stuff (bills, food etc) which DP is not allowed to touch! Then we both have our own accounts for personal use. So if DP goes crazy and gives his dc money it won't affect the family income.
Having said that, I still have to reign him in at times because having 4 kids between us we have to treat them all the same or WW3 ensues!

[catsmother]

Agree that snooping doesn't automatically "cancel out" what may be uncovered ! I think you're going to have to speak to him about this as his lying is just as bad if not worse than handing over money (for any purpose) you can't afford when you're struggling to pay the mortgage. If he objects to you looking at the phone and concentrates the argument discussion on that I think you need to emphasise that whatever he said re: these requests for money didn't "quite ring true" and/or that his demeanour when talking about it didn't seem "natural" and that's what prompted you to look, i.e. your gut feeling - and lo and behold you discover he's been lying so let's concentrate on that!

Also agree with MisFor to a large extent. Without knowing more of the background I don't know if this is necessarily a step issue per se - though if it's a case of the non-res child being given handouts where other children aren't then it certainly would be! Otherwise, then yes, he needs to grow up and prioritise his spending. The Bank of Mum and Dad in many households is on its knees and kids can't automatically expect money for non-essentials however much we'd otherwise like to indulge them every so often. 18 may still be young in the greater scheme of things but it's also old enough to begin to appreciate that some things are way more important than a night out if it comes down to a stark choice. As MisFor suggested, a black and white budget might be a good idea ... if there's no disposable income left once all essentials have been budgeted for then that's that, if there's equal money left over for you both to spend as you wish then I guess it's fair enough if he wants to pass it on to SD, but again, only if, IMO, any other children in the family are similarly treated.

[purpleroses]

I agree with misformum - it's not necessarily unreasonable for your DP to give his DD some money at the age of 18. What's unreasonable is spending joint money on unnecessary luxuries and lying about it, especially if you are struggling to meet your essential outgoingings.

Either he is honest with you and doesn't spend joint money without agreeing it with you first.

Or you have separate finances - so he has to cough up his share of the essential stuff and is then free then to spend what he has left on DSD or anything else he chooses without having to answer to you.

Do you have any way of "discovering" the money given to DSD without having to admit to looking at his phone?

[mrspicklepants]

Not really any other way I could discover it....and don't want to let on I've looked as will show the lack of trust(and more importantly I'll get less opportunities in the future to look!) reading through these replies though I see that in many ways if he wants to throw his money away that's up to him he pays most of our bills and doesn't question me on what I've spent money on so I won't make a big thing about this. I do really question the logic behind it though. Dsd has had issues with drugs and for all we know could stil be using...this is another reason I diss like helping her out financially. I could quite happily leave my dp just to be free of his trouble some dd our relationship is not great anyway. Perhaps this would be the most sensible thing to do but then I would worry about our dd we have together being around some drugged up teenager when I am not there! I just feel like I can't win.