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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

13 yo Dsd toilet habits

15 replies

littlemissmousey · 17/09/2013 08:58

Hiya. Just looking for your advice/opinions on my dsd's terrible toilet hygiene. She is just about to turn 13, I have known her since 7. She stays once in the week and every weekend. She seems to have an aversion to wiping herself after going to the toilet, that's wee and poo. And never flushes the toilet. If I go to toilet after her her wee/poo is in the toilet but no tissue so she is not wiping. Also her pants/ pjs sometimes trousers are really stained when I do the washing. I've asked dh to have a chat with her as I have on many occasions but think because of her age it should come from bio parent. She seems lazy with other hygiene things too like brushing teeth, hair, washing face. She has never been any different but I'm amazed she is still doing it at this age and think it could become a real personal hygiene issue. What are your thoughts?

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SPsTotallyMullerFuckingLicious · 17/09/2013 15:09

I think its up to your DH to tell her. She does need telling.

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Kaluki · 18/09/2013 11:14

Her mum and/or dad should be spelling it out to her in no uncertain terms that this isn't acceptable.
My DSS was like this when I met DP. He never ever wiped and his pants were quite frankly so disgusting that I refused to wash them and told DP he had to handle them. DP had a serious word with him and he is (a bit) better now he is getting older (he's 11) and he actually baths/showers without being nagged.
DSD needs nagging to do teeth, face, bath etc but she is only 9 - I'm hoping by the time she is 13 she will be able to take care of herself.

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purpleroses · 18/09/2013 19:40

Agree that someone should speak to her. And if you're not comfortable doing it then it should be her dad.
My eldest DSD has always taken very good care of personal hygene with no reminers needed. My DS (13) is the same. But DSS (14) and DSD2 (13) won't go near a shower or toothbrush without nagging.

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littlemissmousey · 19/09/2013 13:48

Thanks for the responses. It's not that I'm uncomfortable speaking to her about it, as mentioned above over the years I have had a few chats to her on the subject. I just think she might take it more seriously coming from a parent. Spoke to dh and he was almost making excuses for her by saying 'you know what kids are like, always in a rush'. I don't think he gets that it's a real hygiene issue, she's 13 not 5 and should have mastered toilet hygiene a long time ago.

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FrauMoose · 19/09/2013 19:43

It's odd when she would be - presumably - around the age of puberty.

With my stepdaughter I did occasionally talk about difficult stuff just because it verged on being 'girl talk'. Like my stepdaughter who was not very conscious about her appearance when she was 11 would sometimes put on clothes that she had outgrown - T shirts from when she was 9 for example - , and which looked odd. So I'd have to say, 'I think that might be too small for you now. Shall we look in your room for something a bit bigger?'

There's also the slant that if you don't clean/wipe/wash properly it can also result in smelling not that great. Which might be a better line to go down. Also there's the issue of getting in the habit of keeping properly clean before periods start - if that hasn't already happened.

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MrsWOLF1 · 28/09/2013 13:03

My dss 13 will be here soon and he will have not showered or cleaned his teeth since the last time he was here which is 10 days ago we have to remind him constantly on these issues unfortunately hygiene is not a big thing at his mums & I do feel for him he never seems very happy so bigger issues as well I think

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Emilyeggs · 28/09/2013 13:17

MrsW that's very worrying! I can understand kids forgetting once in a while but 10 days? Really? He won't have teeth for long

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bonzo77 · 28/09/2013 13:25

what is she going to do when she starts her periods? I think this needs to be part of the discussion.

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TheWinterOne · 28/09/2013 13:25

10 days? I can't imagine what his teeth look like.

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MrsWOLF1 · 28/09/2013 16:59

His teeth are yellow unfortunately my dh will say nothing to his xw and when I.ve mentioned it to her she says he.s a boy !! Wtf .. he doesn't shower or change his clothes unless we prompt him he has 2 older brothers one who is clean etc the other 27yrs old who looks / smells like a hobbit !! My ds would have spent an hour in the shower if we.d let him !! I just don.t know what to do he comes alternate weekends & alternate Wednesdays

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ThisWayForCrazy · 01/10/2013 12:58

This needs sorting asap, what will happen when she gets periods? I dread to think!

I sat my DSS down (he was doing the same thing) and told him that it is not acceptable. We talked about germs, spreading them round the house, what if his younger brothers got to the loo and it had a poo in (youngest would probably try and fish it out [sick face] )

I also explained that I am not happy with dealing with poo in his pants too when I already had one child in nappies!

I also made him look up things on the internet about hygiene and what terrible illnesses he could get etc. And made him made a poster for the back of the bathroom door to remind himself to wipe/flush/clean toilet bowl/wash hands. I also banned him from taking the iPod in there as otherwise he gets distracted.

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CountryGal13 · 02/10/2013 21:19

Neither one of my step daughters (12 + 16) wipe or flush after a number 1! They're knickers are revolting! I've mentioned it to my husband but he just laughed and said that 'surely it's they're mums job to sort that out'. It's gross but i'm staying out of it! x

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Bonsoir · 06/10/2013 09:27

It is perfectly reasonable for stepmothers to be directive about their stepchildrens's personal hygiene. When DC are in your home you can tell them what standards of personal care are expected and, if they don't comply, you can refuse them attendance at meals. Personal hygiene is important and non-negotiable.

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taxiforme · 08/10/2013 15:45

Its either bad habits (which need to be broken with a sharp chat about being dirty and having some self respect) or she may just be immature, in which case I would leave it a while.

My own feelings are at some point (and 13 is getting to that point) a child becomes a young woman and self respect becomes important. Wearing stained pants is really not being very nice to yourself, is it? You are worth more, surely?

Is she immature otherwise? The reason why I ask this is that my DSD at 15 is, well, a bit lax in the hygiene dept (I am being ironic here but I dont want to spoil your dinner) however, she is very immature, has not discovered boys and has mild SN. So we are just riding it at the moment, offering her some advice in a very subtle way (how about we buy you some nice "grown up" underwear instead of the asda 5 packs?) and breezily discussing periods in a funny and uncomplicated way whilst with DSD1 (who is 18 and also had similar probs).

Nice things (not necessarily expensive) stuff also may prompt a change. Smelly stuff from boots that you have let her choose and underwear as above.

I also found out in may case that it was likely her mum was very shy in speaking about these things, and hadn't really with either of them, so no wonder they were muddling along.