I have a DS (4), his Dad and I split up whilst I was pregnant so his Dad has never played a proper father role to him, he sees him every weekend but he isn't really involved in his life, he isn't involved with schooling or any real parenting, basically he plays with him one day a week with no contact between one visit and the next.
I met my DP (DS's stepdad) when DS was a baby and then he moved in with us when he was 2. DS has always been very fond of DP and he really looks up to him.
We now have a new baby (nearly 1) and I noticed that after she was born DS and DP's relationship seemed to suffer a little, DS started really playing up when he's around and it often ends up that DP spends a lot of his time telling DS off, they just don't seem as close and they used to be.
DP has 2 other children from his past relationship who he sees every weekend. DS is usually involved in everything DP does with the kids and I'd say he treats them fairly equally but I would say that he disciplines his own 2 differently, he's a bit of a Disney Dad and doesn't like spending the little time he has with them telling them off, despite the fact that their behaviour can often be quite 'challenging'.
Lately it seems that DS is also being quite difficult with his bio Dad too.
So if I'm looking after DS one-to-one then he is a little angel, a pleasure to be around.
If I'm looking after DS and baby together then he is a little more difficult, a little attention seeking but nothing major.
If DP is looking after him alone then he's an angel.
If DP is looking afrer DS and baby together then he can be a bit of a sod.
If all 4 of us are together then he's a total pain in the bum!!!
But he just seems to be really craving attention from DP and his bio Dad and this makes me think he's very insecure about his relationship with them and maybe questioning their love for him.
Also, he is very clingy with me, wants me to do everything for him, if he wants a drink or a sandwich etc then he insists that I have to do it. VERY ANNOYING!
He mentioned in conversation the other day that his baby sister doesn't love him whilst he's at school so I explained that just because somebody isn't with you it doesn't mean that they stop loving you. I wondered if this is what he thinks about his Dad?
I just feel so sorry for him, he's desperate for a 'proper' dad but instead he's got 2 half Dads and neither of them are giving him the quality or quantity of love and attention which he is craving.
I don't know what the answer is though? I don't know whether he needs his bio Dad to step up to the mark more and start having more contact with him, start getting involved in schooling etc? I don't mean to sound like a bitch but he isn't much of a role model for him, he doesn't work (through choice), drinks way too much and has got a bit of a bad boy past. So in a way I'm quite happy with the level of involvement he has at the moment, but not if it's meaning that DS is feeling unloved.
DP is a fantastic role model for DS and he is a brilliant stepdad but as he has his own kids who don't live with him and because DS's bio Dad is still in the background I think sometimes he feels uncomfortable about playing at being Dad to him. And if I'm honest I don't even know myself how involved I want DP to be with him, in some ways I think it's not right for him to act like his real Dad because he's not but on the other hand I can see that DS wants him to treat him like his own.
DS calls DP by his real name but will refer to him as his Dad to his friends eg he'll say things like 'that's my Dad' which I think is really cute.
So I suppose I'm just after some advice on how to handle it, whether to speak to DP and ask him to treat him more like his own? Whether to say to DS that he can call DP 'Dad' if he wants to? Whether to ask his bio dad to step up to the mark more (which I have already done but nothing has changed)? Or whether to just leave things as they are?
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sweetpea13 · 12/08/2013 10:31
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