do bio kids get left out?

(63 Posts)
coffeeaddict11 Fri 09-Aug-13 19:09:37

To step mums who have had no children and then had children with their dp..have your children together been left out? Me and my partner are deciding on trying for a child of our own. He has two children in which we have overnight one night a week. Looking at some comments on here it seems like a lot of dads concentrate on their part time kids out of guilt and their dc with their partner get left out?

MadBannersAndCopPorn Wed 14-Aug-13 22:16:17

I believe it is about striking a balance too... The example of children not even being able to have an ice cream without others getting jealous is very sad.
What I was trying to say is that if we have trips out to places that both children would enjoy, we usually save it for when they're both here. DD gets to do things when dsd is not here, we don't keep her at home, doing nothing until her sister is there...
If friends with simillar aged children (From toddler groups etc) invite us to do stuff, we do it.

So instead, your own DC misses out on one to one time with their own parents because their halfDSis has a mother who doesn't share your family values.
^This is putting words into my mouth, our DD spends plenty of time with her parents by herself doing fun and age appropriate activities. When it comes to family holidays we take both girls because the essence of a family holiday is that the family is present. Why would we want to go on holiday without her? Especially as she wouldn't have a holiday unless she came with us....

When talking about kids/ skids I just think unless it is necessary to point out that they're step kids, there's no need.
I have no problems with it being used on here to put a conversation in context and have never heard it used in RL.

Xalla Tue 13-Aug-13 22:01:53

Excellent posts China.

Enjoy your break Needaholiday!!!

ivmessedup Tue 13-Aug-13 21:05:12

I found it difficult not to be resentful of DSSs (2). Whenever they were with us, DH just ignored DD. wouldn't have been so bad except that he never spent much time with her anyway. It annoyed me the way he'd leave work early to pick them up and give up footie on those weekends, but when it was just the three if us he never helped out with the school run and always played footie. Grrrr. Now we're split, don't see or hear of them at all, except from DD, at least I know DH now being a Disney dad to DD too, and I no longer feel like a glorified housekeeper! wink

needaholidaynow Tue 13-Aug-13 20:04:36

We just thought that seeing as she is going away with DP's parents, a little break with the boys would be nice before I go back to work (been on mat leave). We're going away next year (don't know where yet mind), and DSD will be coming with us for sure. But I really really don't see this break as excluding her. She will be having a ball anyway. And it also means that we can concentrate solely on the boys who are very little.

brdgrl Tue 13-Aug-13 19:59:15

we both agreed that whilst with us DSS had to be subject to the same household rules precisely because I did not want the boys to feel left out. This is DSS's home too and therefore the chores and rules that come with that apply as well as the other fun things.

That's a great point.

Petal02 Tue 13-Aug-13 19:53:26

Sounds reasonable to me, needaholidaynow

needaholidaynow Tue 13-Aug-13 19:44:43

Might I also add as well, that we are going on a little caravan holiday in October, that DSD won't be coming on?

Why?

Because she will be in Mexico on a 2 week holiday with my DP's parents.

There's the balance.

needaholidaynow Tue 13-Aug-13 19:39:06

Surely it's all about striking a balance? No matter what goes on in your step children's "other" home, you still owe your resident children a happy life? So if you want to have a treat or do something nice, it should go ahead regardless of whether the non-resident children are with you or not?

Absolutely spot on.

needaholidaynow Tue 13-Aug-13 19:23:37

China, brilliant post. I'd never do that to my DSs, but I'll bet it does happen sad

Of course we do fun things when DSD isn't here. DS1 aged 2 can't be expected to stay indoors sitting in his hands until DSD is here again. It doesn't work like that in this house. She does fun things with us when she is here but at the same time my DSs' lives go on and they don't just switch off the moment she walks out of the door.

allnewtaketwo Tue 13-Aug-13 19:20:41

We do a lot of "nice" stuff on non-access weekends for several reasons.
E.g. 1. It is unwise to book/pay in advance to do anything with the DSC because their mother deliberately does not let us know in advance when/if they will not be coming (and they are seemingly unwilling/incapable of knowing about their/her arrangements in advance either)
E.g.2. A lot of the "nice" weekend activities we would be doing, e.g. Weekends away, don't neatly fit into the strict hours of the access rota from which their mother will not budge
E.g.3. Their mother would prefer them to miss out on 'nice' activities with their father so makes every effort to scupper any plans she becomes aware of

I have DSS 18, DS1 13 and DS2 9 and would really hope that neither DSS nor DS1 and 2 have felt left out.

When DSS stays he is treated equally with the boys (although less so now that he is more of an adult so we treat him more as such).

We have had holidays with DSS and holidays without him. He has always been invited to come but if he could not come/did not want to come we would not rearrange to suit him. He comes camping with us some times but we also go without him.

DH and I talked about this when we had DS1 because I wanted to be clear that rules we had for DS1 had to apply for DSS for example tidying up, trying vegetables - we both agreed that whilst with us DSS had to be subject to the same household rules precisely because I did not want the boys to feel left out. This is DSS's home too and therefore the chores and rules that come with that apply as well as the other fun things.

We have always tried to make sure we do fun things as a whole family i.e. when DSS is here, but also when it is just the four of us. DH has one on one time with DSS some weekends just as we both have with DS1 and DS2.

stepmooster Tue 13-Aug-13 19:13:43

China you are spot on! My dads partner controls every aspect of his life, but its only because he let's her. I suspect he's just really lazy and just goes along with what she says.

Its maddening but I can't blame her, just him. He is afterall a grown man!

Petal02 Tue 13-Aug-13 19:11:38

Surely it's all about striking a balance? No matter what goes on in your step children's "other" home, you still owe your resident children a happy life? So if you want to have a treat or do something nice, it should go ahead regardless of whether the non-resident children are with you or not?

ChinaCupsandSaucers Tue 13-Aug-13 19:05:31

The opposite can also be true that nothing gets done for the step kids.. Everything get's done when they are not there..

Screws you up well as an adult..

...and putting it bluntly - that's not the stepparents issue. If a parent chooses to exclude their own DC, then that is the fault of the parent. If the step-parent deliberately excludes their DSC, and their partner/the DC's parent goes along with it, then that is also the fault of the parent.
The step-parent has absolutely no obligation towards their DSC.

Thing is, it's easier for adults who were in this situation as DC's to place the blame on their stepmum rather than their Dad.

Frikadellen Tue 13-Aug-13 18:57:11

The opposite can also be true that nothing gets done for the step kids.. Everything get's done when they are not there..

Screws you up well as an adult..

Petal02 Tue 13-Aug-13 18:23:35

Superb post China - and sadly very true

ChinaCupsandSaucers Tue 13-Aug-13 18:03:53

Sadly for us, this is not the case dsd does not get taken away on holidays with her mother and their family so she'd feel really pushed out if we all went off on holiday and she was at her mum's doing basically nothing. All of us talking about all the fun we've had etc. That's not her fault.

So instead, your own DC misses out on one to one time with their own parents because their halfDSis has a mother who doesn't share your family values.

There are going to be a generation of "second-class siblings" posting on "Stately Homes" in about 20 years time:

My mum so was worried about upsetting my stepDSis that we never did anything unless she was involved; we weren't even allowed an icecream after school incase she found out and got jealous. I missed seeing my best friend in the local pantomime because stepDSis wasn't with us that weekend and mum said it wasn't fair on her. I wanted to do my Duke of Edinburgh at weekends, but wasn't allowed to because Mum and Dad said it wasn't fair if she couldn't come on the weekend trips with me.
Her mum never did anything with her, so Mum and Dad made up for that by making sure that anything we did included her, even though we only saw her every couple of weeks.

riverboat Tue 13-Aug-13 18:01:44

COULDNT read

riverboat Tue 13-Aug-13 18:01:12

I have had to stop and consider why anyone would be offended by 'skids' which I could read as anything but an obvious abbreviation of step-kids/ s-kids. I have realised some must be reading it as skids as in the actual word as opposed to the s-kids that was obviously intended... SURELY you would have to go out of your way to imagine OP meant that random and unrelated to anything noun rather than the obvious abbreviation?!

needaholidaynow Tue 13-Aug-13 13:17:56

Most stepmothers do have issues with their partner's children

That was meant to say!!

But then again most stepmothers do have issues with their partners, if their partner is a Disney dad and turns in to an arse when it comes to anything to do with his kids! So my first post still makes sense lol smile

needaholidaynow Tue 13-Aug-13 13:15:24

Most stepmothers do have "issues" about their partners.

Just as most mothers have "issues" about their own children.

Just as someone has an issue with a friend, partner, neighbour, brother, etc...

We all have issues with everyone in our lives from time to time. What makes step children so sacred and different that we should just accept the faults that come with them and the whole step parenting thing altogether?

brdgrl Tue 13-Aug-13 11:14:05

And you will continue to pop up, a bit like a jack in the box, to defend their use. Which is absolutely your right. And speaks volumes about you.

I agree...it does speak volumes about Petal! She always offers help and support to those who ask for it, and judges posts on their actual content and apparent intent, rather than attacking new posters for their use of abbreviations and turns of phrase when they have clearly not done so maliciously. When not posting to offer sound advice and support to other stepparents, she posts regularly on these boards about her issues with her partner's children, as do most of the others here - that is in fact pretty much the sole purpose of these boards.

The problem here is not stepmothers using abbreviations or disagreeing with one another, it is posters coming on a thread with no other intent than attacking users.

Lackedpunchesforever Tue 13-Aug-13 10:39:05

Petal you sound incredibly immature and obviously have huge issues around your own relationship with your partners children. MN din't need to moderate the use of these vile terms. As this thread and many others show, people who use them WILL get called on them by other forum users.

And you will continue to pop up, a bit like a jack in the box, to defend their use. Which is absolutely your right. And speaks volumes about you.

needaholidaynow Tue 13-Aug-13 09:51:53

They're all just kids, bloody kids. Giving them a separate name separates them IMVHO.

How do you mean it seperates them?

coffeeaddict11 Mon 12-Aug-13 22:34:31

We all have our own opinion on what's offensive and not. Skids is a term I have only seen on this site which I thought was the conmon abbreviation (on here) I obviously wouldn't refer to them as skids in real life. And as for part time kids it clearly means non residential as dp does not have them full time. Some people are so touchy on here. Take a chill a pill lacked

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