DSD and DDs not getting on

[itinerant]

My first "real" post so please be gentle

I have been with DP for just over 3 years, I have DS (13) and twin DDs (9). I relocated to be with him as my children rarely see their father.

DP has DD (10) and DS (7). At first the children all got on really well and we have worked hard at doing things together but also spending out own time with our children (he has them 50/50, mine are with me all the time).

Lately things have not been going so well, partly because the girls have different personalities. Things have become particularly difficult over the past two months or so as DSD (who is with us most weekends) has taken to going off to her room with other friends from the village (school friends of DTD) and barring entry to DTD, or arranging sleepovers with these girls or movie nights to which my daughters are pointedly not invited. Now, fair enough, the children are old enough to choose their own friends but more than once I have heard these other girls suggesting DTD are invited to play/watch movie/listen to music with them all (as before) only to hear DSD whisper things like "no, let it jus be us" etc. one of these girls mothers recently commented that her DD preferred coming round when DSD is not here as otherwise she gets pulled away from DTD and doesn't know how to handle it.

Both DTD are upset by this and feel like their friends are being taken away. I have raised this a couple of times with DP and although initially sympathetic he now says it is normal behaviour for his DD who is trying to stake some sort of claim when in this house. Whilst there may be some truth in this I have observed enough of tween girl behaviour to think she understands the implications of her actions and I am exhausted from the constant mopping of tears every weekend. Any advice gratefully received!

[Madamecastafiore]

I'd tackle her on it. Just tell her that excluding someone is not at all acceptable and it hurts feelings.

Tell her if she continues in this vein then she will no longer be allowed friends to visit or sleepover.

[Madamecastafiore]

Tell dp that no, hurting someone's feelings is neither normal nor acceptable and as a parent it is both your and his job to make the children aware of what is acceptable and what is not.

[itinerant]

Thank you. You're right that I need to talk to DSD directly - I've avoided it so far as I always find myself tiptoeing around her

I have had the conversation with her dad but need to have it again and really impress upon him how horrible it is for DTD - I think he just thinks its all a bit harmless and forgets that as part of our relocating DTD have had to work hard to make new friends (especially as we as now see granny less frequently as well, so friends have become that much more important)

I really appreciate your reply

[Ficklefrancis]

Aww I really feel for you in this situation. I find it incredibly hard when my kids get together with my dh's kids. I had an incident last year where my dh's dd said to my dd that dd's dad didn't love her and that's why he works away in America. As you can imagine I was fuming and when I spoke to my dh about it he actually took her side over mine and of course I believed that my dd wouldn't make up such a terrible thing because she is incredibly close to her dad. Well it turned out, after initially lying to us, his dd admitted she had said such a cruel thing to my dd and that was the last we had them in the house at the same time. My ex is back from America and has our kids in all the holidays that my dh has his kids. Unfortunately I still have trouble believing things that dh's daughter says as she sounded exactly like her spiteful mother and so I stay out the way when they come. They are here for 2 weeks on Sunday and I was incredibly tempted to go on holiday with my ex and the kids lol my dh of course wouldn't have been too happy ;)

[itinerant]

Thanks, his kids are away for a fortnight which gives me some head space and time to think things through a bit clearly without distractions.

[dukester]

What would you do if it was one of your daughters ? If it was mine I would say that you all play together or not at all. If you adopt that approach your treAting all of them fairly they may make a bit of a fuss but they will get over it.

[colditz]

It's not normal behavior, it's spiteful and bitchy, and your husband isn't dealing with it.

Treat them like siblings. There must be no "leaving out" allowed, and if that means dsd and the visitors have to make accommodations forbTHE OTHER CHILDREN WHO LIVE THERE, tough shit. That's life with siblings.

[Kaluki]

Agree Colditz.
My dsc have a friend who lives across the road. He is in ds2s class at school but is football crazy like ds1.
If they squabble over who's friend he is I say if he's in our house he's friends with both of them.

[burberryqueen]

it is not normal it is vile and bitchy and could have a long term effect.

[StillSlightlyCrumpled]

Your DP really needs to stamp this out now. It's the sort of tween behaviour that is worrying anyway but to be brazen enough to be like it home is something else.

She may well be staking her claim etc, but she needs to understand that being unkind to anyone won't be tolerated.

[itinerant]

Oh thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply. I've been fairly convinced it wasn't fair but your comments reinforce the fact that this simply isn't nice behaviour. I've had a chat with DP and explained that in future if I see this happening I will intervene - thankfully he's ok with this. Aarggghh step-parenting - bloody difficult sometimes!!