would you be mad at this?

(172 Posts)
mummatotwo Fri 02-Aug-13 21:37:24

DH and I agreed an amount of what we could afford in a change to his maintenance due to change of job and much lower income. He is dire with money BTW and for years I've bailed him out several times,but never learns I've even taken his bank card off him so he doesn't go over his overdraft

Not a great relationship with dss always texting and asking for money and he obliges. He never discusses it with me and everything is sneeky and behind my back. Our wages and money are our household income and we should discuss and agree these things I think.

We are going on on Hols soon we agree for me to pay hol and for him to provide the spending money, he's very OD at the bank again so now I've got to use my wages for spending money, which is going to leave us very tight for the next couple of months also I worked loads last month extra as we have lots if bills coming up to pay

I've just found out again by accident he's given hundred pounds out to the dss, I'm gobsmacked

riverboat Fri 02-Aug-13 21:47:00

Is the hundred pounds maintenance to the mother, or a direct handout to DSS?

entersandmum Fri 02-Aug-13 21:52:39

DP and I are in the same situation. You really do need to have a seperate, if not secret bank account. DP will spend however much he thinks we BOTH have as he is crap with money.

Will also fund ExW, and SKids, whilst expecting me to pick up the tab for our own.

I think DP does not want ExW knowing how bad off we are and he lives in fantasy world.

My secret savings account paid for a holiday ...including SKids last time

mummatotwo Fri 02-Aug-13 23:43:44

Direct handout

brdgrl Sat 03-Aug-13 00:09:39

Of course I'd be mad. Your DH is giving away money that isn't his alone to give, and he's making major expenditures (in our house, a hundred pounds definitely counts as a major expenditure!) without discussing them with you. Not to mention that you have been left multiple times to clean up his messes..

I think you need to rethink the entire arrangement. He maybe needs a discretionary account, from which he can give away money as he pleases, but which if overspent leaves him short, not the household.

Obviously, I am talking about monetary gifts to his son - not maintenance, which I hope is agreed and adhered to quite apart from this!

How old is DSS, by the way?

(DH and I have only last weekend redesigned our entire financial arrangement....mostly because he too is useless with budgeting...so we have created separate accounts for different expenses...will see how it goes this month!)

ChippingInHopHopHop Sat 03-Aug-13 00:15:17

So, essentially he has given your wages to his kids?

Mad wouldn't even cover it.

Kids needs come first, their wants get taken into consideration, get discussed etc.

It's about FAR more than the money.

Petal02 Sat 03-Aug-13 09:39:47

Agree with Chipping. This issue goes far deeper than the money. You definitely need separate finances.

VBisme Sat 03-Aug-13 09:43:29

I know what you mean, DH doesn't currently get an income, and hasn't for the last 14 months, but hasn't reduced the maintenance payments at all.
I don't want the kids to suffer, but I am getting a bit fed up of supporting 2 households.

Petal02 Sat 03-Aug-13 09:50:08

I think it's very admirable that anyone feels the need to dip into their own pocket to contribute towards their partners maintenance payments, but as it's based on the man's income (or lack of) surely it should never be the responsibility of the new partner? And I certainly couldn't envisage a situation where the reverse would apply!

VBisme Sat 03-Aug-13 10:04:18

Totally agree petal, but DH ex seems to think that the kids are pay-per-view if money isn't forthcoming then access is stopped.
That's not fair on anyone.
What really takes the biscuit is the extra demands for money over and above the maintenance for toiletries, clothes etc for their mums house. (I fully accept that we have to clothe the kids when they are with us, this is for extra stuff that we wouldn't see).

Onesleeptillwembley Sat 03-Aug-13 10:26:06

He's a cocklodger. Why would you want to be with such an irresponsible arse?

Petal02 Sat 03-Aug-13 10:27:44

VB - I hope you're not subsidising the ex to the detriment of your own household? What would happen if you suddenly wouldn't/couldn't assist with maintenance, would the ex really withhold contact?

mummatotwo Sat 03-Aug-13 11:04:32

I'm sooooo glad its not me and others feel how I feel I think its guilt but at mine and our DS expense

Petal02 Sat 03-Aug-13 11:16:16

Yes OP, it's definitely guilt, but you're bank rolling it.

I'm not excusing your DH, but a lot of men who are generally quite rational seem to lose the plot when it comes to non-resident children.

I think the only way you'll stop this, is to ensure he can't access your money. Leaving your household short of money so he can splurge your earnings on his son is totally unacceptable.

brdgrl Sat 03-Aug-13 12:37:18

OK, don't know if it will help, but here is what we are trying - we have just started so we will see if it works. But there were similar issues - DH not good with money, disparities about what is spent on the DSCs vs DD, resentment over my wages going to expenses that were not agreed between us - that sort of thing.

We sat down and split all our income sources (three jobs between us, some pension, tax credits) into three accounts. Mine, DH's, and a joint. The joint account got the tax credits; the other income went to the account of the person who earns/receives it.

We looked at all the out-going expenses (based on our actual bank records over the last year - bit time-consuming, but worth it because of all the things we would not have remembered or thought of!). Then we decided, in each and every case, which account should pay for those. There is a large difference between our present incomes, so the higher earner pays for more things, and that's fine with us - the point is that we each have set responsibilities. After the bits we are each responsible for are covered, what is left over is free in each account - that's each of our's discretionary income. That felt right to me - we don't have to answer to each other then for small purchases, charitable or family gifts, etc, but we both know that we have a budget of set expenses that we had better make damn sure we keep enough back for. It might be a bit fiddly - I am supposed to buy the groceries, which we generally order online, so if DH does a midweek shop, I have to reimburse him, that sort of thing - but we really needed to do something and this was the best we could come up with.

At the end of this month, we'll have to look again and see how it is working. But I am optimistic - even if we don't each stick to the budget or have slip-ups, I feel like it will be a lot clearer where we need to sort things out.

mummatotwo Sat 03-Aug-13 17:48:04

But its all done behind my back, I never know until I find out by accident, he just can't say no or I can't afford it. It's been going on years and like someone said its not the money its much more....deciet, lies, total disregard for my feelings, and worse of all the ease in which lies are told blatently to my face. Makes me feel sad and each time chips alittle more away from our relationship.

mummatotwo Sat 03-Aug-13 17:51:54

Today I told him I wasn't paying for the spending money and that why.should I as it would then leave me very short for next month, his answer us to tajebit out of his savings (small amount if redundancy money of his...well ours). My argument is no, that money should be saved and not dipped into

mummatotwo Sat 03-Aug-13 17:53:18

Today I told him I wasn't paying for the spending money and that why.should I as it would then leave me very short for next month, his answer us to tajebit out of his savings (small amount if redundancy money of his...well ours). My argument is no, that money should be saved and not dipped into

LadyClariceCannockMonty Sat 03-Aug-13 17:57:54

Maybe he should have a separate account, into which he pays a fixed standing order every month/week, that is solely for funding DSS. He has responsibility for it; if it goes overdrawn or there's no money when DSS wants something, it's his problem.

And if I were you, I'd set up a separate account that he can't just take money out of.

But basically, he needs to get his act together.

Petal02 Sat 03-Aug-13 18:59:06

The lies and deceit are just as big a problem as his poor money management.

mummatotwo Sat 03-Aug-13 23:43:17

He automatically transfers from account to account so I never know until he gets found out. I never believe what he says...like last year I noticed :£200 transfered over it was to go halves on a holiday for DSS after his exams...not discussed with me, just done

It must be a guilt thing as he.just can't see what he is doing is wrong...it will be the ruin of us I just know it,

brdgrl Sun 04-Aug-13 10:18:21

Yes, you definitely need to separate finances. He won't be able to do automatic transfers then!

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 04-Aug-13 10:28:01

I couldn't live with someone like this - someone who goes behind your back, lies to your face, doesn't consider the impact of his actions... he isn't 'being kind to his son' he's taking the road of least resistance and you are the one suffering. He's constantly lying to you and using your income to 'pay off' his son... how much longer are you going to tolerate this for?

As I said, I wouldn't live with someone like him - not the way he is happy to lie to you and basically doesn't give a shit about how it affects you.... but, if you choose to stay with him, then you need to find a way that means his financial irresponsibility doesn't impact on you.

Perhaphs try getting a direct debit from his account to yours every pay day, leaving him with only a little bit of spending money & his direct debit for child support, while you get all the money for the bills/holidays/family money under your control.

mummatotwo Sun 04-Aug-13 10:41:21

Yes I had thought about that getting his wages paid into my account etc but then I.thought how drastic!!!

Petal02 Sun 04-Aug-13 11:58:19

It's not drastic, it's the only solution IMO.

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