I have been with my bf for 2 years. He is separated with 3 daughters and I don't have children of my own. His dd's moved abroad with their mum after they separated which devastated my bf understandably.
The first 18 months of our relationship was amazing! We got on so well and we were very happy. I had finally found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have children with. His DD's would spend their holidays with him (we don't live together) and I would come for dinner maybe 1 or 2 nights during their holiday in order to get to know them better. They were always pleasant and polite to me and knowing that this would be our future having the girls on their holiday sat very comfortably with me.
I was really looking forward to the future with by bf.... we were just about to move in together when one of his DD's aged 13, unexpectedly decided to come back and live with my bf as she couldn't settle abroad with her mum.
We were shocked by the unexpected turn of events but my bf is a good man and his daughter's well being and happiness had to come first which I respect him for. We both knew that this new change would effect our relationship as we used to see each other most nights etc. His DD had anxiety and phobia issues and needed a lot of attention, our plans on moving in together had to be put on hold. I didn't mind this as I felt quite daunted by the idea of becoming a full time step mother with no support of real mum around to share the custody etc.
6 months on and I cant believe how we have been so effected by all this...... I struggled with the lack of time together. For the first 3-4 months our time was spent with the 3 of us together due to his DD's anxiety issues. This irritated me and the frustration caused me to start being easily annoyed by DD. Most 13 year old girls can be hard work but when they are not your own it is more difficult.
Fortunately, as a result of bf's excellent father skills and good discipline, plenty of encouragement and a happy environment DD has improved dramatically and now is involved in after school activities and has made some nice friends who sleep over quite frequently so we get the odd night to go out, however, the stressful lead up to get to this stage has weakened our relationship as we argued a lot and my bf began to feel vulnerable and insecure about us.
When we are with DD I still get easily irritated by her demands, moods, pushing boundaries and arguments. She is mannerly to me but I feel that she feels threatened by me but Im not sure. Bf has said that she plays up more when I am present. I miss the way we were prior to DD coming back but I know that if my bf didn't do the right thing for his DD then what kind of a parent would he be to our future children? He is a very good man I just wish DD's mother was living in the country that custody could be shared some bit. Mother of DD wont even take DD for holidays out of resentment and to hurt my bf when really she is hurting her DD and fracturing their mother /daughter relationship further. It is no wonder why DD wanted to live with her dad.....
Now my bf wants to know am I in or out? He has every right to ask this as no one likes to be hanging on.... but the truth is I know it wont be easy and I ask myself am I making life difficult for myself? I am still quite young.... If I feel irritated by DD's presence now what would it be like if I lived with her?
I know she will be 18 in 5 years time and will probably go to college etc but thats a long time to wait and how will things be if a baby is brought into the situation? I just wish mother of DD was around to take some of the pressure and we could have a break every now and then.
Unfortunately for my bf hasn't got any relatives close by to support him and he doesn't want to be asking other parents for help as he feels he doesn't want to be a burden.
Everything he has done for DD has showed me even more of what a good man he is and I know men like this are hard to find but I struggle with the idea of living in the same house as DD??
Has anyone else (particularly those who like me don't have children of their own) experienced these feelings and what were your experiences like?
Any advise would be much appreciated.
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To be a step mum or not to be? Decision time for me?
44 replies
Starlight001 · 25/06/2013 21:04
OP posts:
NatashaBee ·
25/06/2013 23:10
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