Fed up, all talk and no action.

[Lilypad34]

I have a thread 'how would you handle this' to say things are no better is a fecking understatement. I am so annoyed. Tonight is the 1st night I personally have seen dsd since her outburst on Tuesday night then Wednesday morning.

She came in and said she was sorry, I asked what she was sorry for she couldn't tell me. She said mummy said you'd be glad if I said sorry. I am not glad because sorry only means anything if its meant by the person saying it.

Anyway dh, myself and dsd sat and decided it would be helpful to come up with house rules, between her and dh they came up with 8, I wrote them down but didn't partake as such.

She doesn't listen, she refuses to do as she's asked, she wanted to go outside and play, dh said ok but stay on this road. She didn't she disappeared and it took dh 30 mins to decide to find her. I made dinner she said, I don't like this my school food is better. I said to her 'I'm so glad I don't have your manners' dh never said a word.

I've told dh I'm not doing anything for her again with regards organising nice days out, cooking or giving parental guidance when he asks me to. She's been openly rude to me for the last time.

Nothing about her behaviour has been resolved, she's been told not to chase the cat but carried on, to put her drawing things away, she ignored dh. Nothing he says has any effect. She will not listen. I do discipline if it directly involves me and if its nothing major that dh should otherwise be dealing with.

He treats her like she's 4 he idolises her and she treats him like shit. I'm now in my room while they play happy families. I feel unsupported and unheard. I am so sick of watching dh pandering to her demands and there's nothing I can do. It's clearly none of my business.

[Kaluki]

It is your business, it's your house, he's your DH and you shouldn't be hiding in your room seething while DSD gets rewarded for bad behaviour.
When you discussed the house rules, did you discuss consequences or punishments of breaking them?
You need to tell your DH to discipline his DD before she turns into more of a brat!!!

[Lilypad34]

We also wrote down consequences dependant on the level of behaviour. It was a good hour of my life that could've been spent doing something else.

We've had a huge row, he's told me I should treat her as a child not talk to her like I would anyone else. She's almost 10 I talk to her with the respect I would hope to receive. I don't shout at her but I am firm with my tone. That he deals with her his way which is the issue, his way doesn't bring any kind of changes. He still gets her clothes out for her, makes her breakfast goes to her when she's on the sofa wanting a drink.

He doesn't get that unless he gives her boundaries she will think everyone deserves to be treated with little or no respect. She runs rings around him and its not my place to say anything he's made that very clear tonight.

I only wish he'd have had the balls to say this before we got married, he's let me think my input was valued.

[mumandboys123]

Lilypad, I don't mean to cause offence but I probably will....you say in one post that you 'talk to her with the respect that I would hope to receive' but in the other, you claim you told her 'Im so glad I don't have your manners'. I presume this was said in a sarcastic tone which at 10 years old she may not have understood properly and certainly, talking to someone in that way is hardly what most people would consider respectful. I suspect your dh was unable to say anything on that occasion because he would have been equally fed up with the pair of you and probably just couldn't find the words.

My eldest child is 9, I still sort his clothes, make him a drink or make his breakfast. He is of course, capable of doing this himself and sometimes will but I think you will find that not many children of this age do everything independently all of the time, even if they are capable and even if they do it some of the time. It is, I think, natural that your dh would want to do things for her, particularly as he doesn't see her as often as he might.

All of that said, of course she needs boundaries and needs consequences to poor behaviour. She also needs to do as she is told. I am not sure of the answer for you, other than to say that she's your husband's child and ultimately, it'll be him that's responsible for the consequences. Do you know if the boundaries etc. are better at mum's house? If mum is telling her to say sorry then she at least sounds like she's decent and trying to do the right thing by you. Are you able to talk to her at all? I suspect your dh does value your input but that he feels stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I hope things get better and I'm sorry if I offend 'cos that isn't my intention.

[Celticcat]

Like mumandboys says, not all kids like independence.
My ds is nearly 15 and there are still plenty of times I spoil him.

Having said that though, there are definite boundaries and if he acts disrespectful to dh I pull him up on it immediately. Dh in turn needs to be reminded again and again to do the same regarding his dc occasional rudeness to me, eventhough dss is nOw living 50:50 with us!

Regarding dsd, (16) she can do no wrong and has basically always acted like the third adult in the house when she comes over, since she was 12.
It sounds like you're headed the same way.
I had my own thread here a while back, dh and I are in counseling, which he's not so fond of anymore, as he is always asked to value me and our relationship and set healthy boundaries for dsc.
might be worth looking into! Good luck, xx

[claraschu]

You don't seem to like her very much. I understand that her behaviour is very rude and annoying, but you can only help her change if she trusts your unconditional love, I think.

Children need many many many reminders to change their bad behaviour. Bad habits are not changed by deciding to change, but by consistent effort and support (as anyone knows who has tried to change their eating habits for instance). Support and reminders from you need to be consistent and loving in spirit.

I think the fact she was willing to say "sorry" at all, and the fact that she sat for an hour coming up with house rules show that she has lots of good impulses.

Your husband sounds like he is afraid to lose her love if he is a little strict with her. I think the first step is to get to the bottom of why he feels this way and try to fix that problem. Then I think you need to develop a light, friendly, humourous touch, and remember that it can take years to drum good habits into a person.

[TobyLerone]

It sounds like you really dislike her. It's no wonder she's playing up. It really doesn't sound like you're very nice to her.

[EMS23]

Your other thread is quite vital to understanding why you're so upset. This thread alone makes you sound really harsh so I'd urge other responders to see the other posts.

I don't have a lot of advice apart from to say that I think your decision not to do anything with or for your DSD could be a bad approach.
You have a parenting role in her life and therefore, can't just 'give up' on her. Her love for you is not unconditional so I worry that it could just tell her (to a 9yr old mind) that you don't love her so she doesn't have to care about you. I fear it will have the opposite effect to that which you're looking for and she'll be worse, not better.

I also agree that sarcasm is lost on a 9 yr old. Like any parenting challenge, this is a phase and she will come through it (hormones etc) but you have to be in it for the long haul. Love, affection, clear and consistent boundaries and bucket loads of patience. I don't think it needs to be anymore complicated than that.

[Kaluki]

When I was having problems with my DSC I found that it was like a downward spiral.
Everything they did wound me up and even the smallest misdemeanour would infuriate me so I understand how hard it is.
Am I right that you dont have your own kids? My DS is 9 and j still get his clothes out for him. He could do it himself but as his Mum I want to do it. He gets his own drinks but sometimes I do them for him.
But if he's rude he is punished and made to apologise. I think at that age an apology should be accepted - the fact that she said sorry should count or what is the point?
That said, your DH is in the wrong here - you and he should show a united front or she will run rings around you.

[Jan45]

I would definitely be expecting some kind of respect and your OH needs to ensure his daughter gives you this. As for anything else, leave it to him, let him spoil her, raise her the way he wants, I know you don't agree, I don't agree with my OH's raising of his son but believe me, your life will be a lot easier if you step back. As I say, demand the respect and the good manners, anything else, leave it to him and the mother and do not hide in your home!