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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Step-parenting

How would you handle this?

17 replies

Lilypad34 · 23/04/2013 20:13

Dh collected dsd (9) from school today, she was in a sulky mood and he was told by ex dsd had been told no to something she'd wanted. The sulky attitude continued up until 6.30 when she was told she wasn't able to in app purchase on her iPod touch.

She started screaming that everyone hates her etc etc, dh very calmly told her to go to her room until she was calm. She went up, she came down still screaming, sat on the floor in our lounge yelling dh & I both ignored her.

Then she starts throwing things, dh again very calmly says her behaviour is unacceptable and to go to her room. He stood up she knew he meant business so she went, slammed the door..5 mins later the whole thing repeated itself. After 45mins of this she raises a teddy above her head and aims it at me. Neither of us raised our voices, I kept quiet dh was dealing. When she threw her teddy at me dh lost his rag, shouted at her to get upstairs to get into bed that her behaviour was horrid and to stop shouting.

His shouting shut her up right away, it's not something we like but the ignoring her didn't work nor did the calm voice.

How would you have dealt with this? As a result of her tantrum she is now not attending a party this weekend.

OP posts:

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olibeansmummy · 23/04/2013 21:07

Pretty much how you dealt with it. What else could you do?

elliebellys · 23/04/2013 22:38

Exactly the same way.

GemmaTeller · 23/04/2013 22:40

Exactly the same way.

taxiforme · 23/04/2013 22:42

As above, but with wine afterwards.

VBisme · 23/04/2013 22:54

I don't know what else you could have done. Well done you for keeping calm, I don't think I could have!

dubdurbs · 23/04/2013 23:31

Why didn't your DH discipline her on the first occasion she came down shouting and roaring? She wouldn't have been given the chance to start throwing things in my house, straight into being banned from tv/playing with friends etc It sounds to me like she was given far too many chances and knew exactly how far she could push you both. She's 9 for gods sake, if you keep going this way what is she going to be like in her teens??

brdgrl · 23/04/2013 23:36

probably as you did.

Lilypad34 · 24/04/2013 06:30

Dubdurbs he did discipline her immediately he sent her to her room. Shouting while she's shouting we feel does more to escalate the issue.

She went to her room but 5 mins later she was back..it's her open defiance that's so bloody annoying, other than yelling or physically putting her in her room what else is there?! Telling her she's not doing x y z during her fit only gets her screaming louder.

We do not softly softly with her discipline, we ignored her completely. She wanted her own way and she wanted attention. Raging in that way doesn't get her anything. I'm not sure how we could've dealt with her refusal to stay in her room any other way! Suggestions welcome

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UC · 24/04/2013 09:26

I would have done (tried to do) exactly the same. In reality, I'd probably have lost my rag earlier, so I think you did really well. If you shout back, it escalates, and at 9 they are beginning to be too big to "manhandle" into a room - and I don't think that teaches much anyway apart from that someone bigger can have physical control. Not such a good lesson to learn.

I wouldn't let it lie now though. If I was your DH, I'd be having a quiet word with her today about how this behaviour was unacceptable, and that it will not be tolerated. I'd also be asking her if there is anything wrong - it may just be that she wasn't getting her way at either house, and she may see that today once she's calm.

We experience temper outbursts like this with DSS 12, who "sees red", and often in v similar circumstances to those you describe. We have dealt with it the same as you, we ask him to remove himself and calm down (this can be in his room, in the garden, his choice), but always with a discussion once he's calm - which can be an hour, might be next morning. It started when he was 9, and has declined over the last year from about 11.5. I am convinced that much of it is to do with hormones. At the start of puberty, sometimes they don't know what they feel, and they certainly aren't mature enough often to articulate. Part of it is probably frustration. We have spoken at length to him about this too, and about techniques to calm himself when he feels himself slipping into this mood.

SoupDragon · 24/04/2013 09:32

Pretty much like you described. In fact, it pretty much described my 7 yo DDs tantrum when I pulled her up for lying yesterday.

Lilypad34 · 24/04/2013 11:46

So this morning, she got up and was still in a foul mood..told me both dh and I should say sorry to her. I said it should be her apologising she said 'I've done nothing wrong' red rag to a bull I'm afraid and I didn't shout but I did say. 'You're behaviour last night was disgusting and you will not come back to this house with that attitude again, do I make myself clear' if looks could kill I'd be dead woman walking!

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SoupDragon · 24/04/2013 11:49

you will not come back to this house with that attitude again,

I can't help feeling that's going to come back to bite you. Especially when she tells her mother you said she wasn't welcome.

Lilypad34 · 24/04/2013 12:10

Her mum knows, a conversation has been had. She's fine about it as I did not mean she was not welcome but that her recent attitude would not be welcome. We have her 4 nights a week and dh was there when I said it.

Her throwing things at me was unacceptable, I was not the adult dealing with her tantrum dh was, however this is also my home and I am not putting up with any sort of violent behaviour regardless of who she is!

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Jan45 · 24/04/2013 12:12

Exactly what you did, and don't worry about her coming back - she will!

SoupDragon · 24/04/2013 12:29

That's OK then :) I could easily imagine a scenario of misinformation and accusations!

UC · 24/04/2013 12:39

It's good that you have discussed with her mum. I think this is vital. We have also discussed DSS's temper with his mum, and he does it there too. This eliminates (or at least lessens) the opportunity to play one parent off against the other. I think you are absolutely right to make it clear that violence and throwing things at you is totally unacceptable.

Hope DSD is in a better mood tonight! She must feel as if the whole world is against her - mum, dad, SM. But at least she isn't busy playing you all off against eachother, and the boundaries have been set.

Lilypad34 · 24/04/2013 13:31

She's with her mum tonight, dh has told her as she has had her evening on the iPad revoked if she starts throwing a wobbly and mum is finding it difficult to call.

It's easier for us we have each other for support mum is on her own. dsd tantrums go on and on its enough to drive a saint mad. She deals with it differently in that she loses her blob and starts yelling which escalates into a screaming war.

I really hope dsd has had a good day at school and is in a far better mood for her mum!

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