I am looking for some perspectives on the latest incident with DSS. I do not want us to over-react, but ?historically?, we have tended towards under-reaction and I?d like to avoid that as well.
DH and I went away for a long weekend (work conference, not a holiday). DSD is 18, DSS is 15. They are not very mature for their ages, and do not always have very good judgement about even quite small things. We debated leaving them on their own, to look after house and pets and selves for four days. We have had a few instances of quite bad behaviour from DSS in the last six months, but things seemed to be going along OK, and we thought it might even be a good thing to give them the responsibility. We had the usual sort of talk before we went, told them it was a big responsibility, and an opportunity to show us they could handle it. Neither of the kids has ever given us any previous cause for concern about drugs/drinking; DSD doesn?t drink and neither do her friends.
We didn?t hear much from them over the weekend, but DH had a daily check-in with DSD, who said everything was going fine. To make a long story a bit shorter, we found out when we came back that DSS had been out on Saturday and he came home with vomit on his jeans. DSD told us a rather evasive account of him coming home; DH then asked DSS who at first lied completely and said he?d fallen down a muddy hill; when told that his story didn?t match up with DSD?s, DSS changed his story and admitted to drinking but said the vomit was someone else?s, a girl who was too drunk to stand up. DSD, when pressed, said that he was acting ?OK? when he came home but did smell of drink (of course, he had vomit on him); I think from her demeanour that there is more to the story, especially in light of her comment to DH on Saturday about them having had a row.
There was also, in DSS?s laundry basket, an undershirt with a great many obvious vomit stains on it. He says he has no idea what the stains are or where they came from. To me, this looks like evidence that is inconsistent with a girl having vomited once on his jeans; on the other hand, I obviously can?t really say for sure. I do not know what shirt he was wearing on top but there was nothing else in the laundry.
I am cross with both of them, frankly. DSD for covering for him and for not letting us know right away that he?d come home in such a state. DSS for the obvious reasons of law-breaking; lying to DH about it when asked; the fact that this is just the latest in a series of unacceptable behaviours (that include property damage, laying hands on me, and general disrespect to DH); and most of all for taking advantage of us going away like this.
So far, DH has told him only that he is grounded. When DSS asked how long for, DH said he had to think about it. DSS started getting bolshy and complained that he is being punished for doing the right thing by trying to help a girl who was sick.
I haven?t spoken to DSS about it at all; DH did. He did not ask any of what seem to me to be obvious questions ? who were you with, where did you get the drink, who is the girl who was so drunk and what happened to her ? Well. You can see that I am unimpressed. What do other people do in these kind of situations?
By the way, the vomited-upon jeans have been left for me to launder.
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Step-parenting
drink and teen DSS
37 replies
brdgrl · 22/04/2013 10:27
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