DSSs are 17 and 14. Since the court order was issued 11 years ago (DH had to go to court because his ex who had left him after her having an affair, wouldn't let him see the children), access has been strictly adhered to.
The children are "not allowed" to see their father outside of the strict access rota. So this means that DH collects them at 6pm on a Friday, EOW, and returns them at 6pm on a Sunday. They live 4 miles away and both DP & I and their mother live almost next to a bus stop on a main bus route (buses every 5 mins).
So clearly the children are still being treated like very young children. They have no social lives at all and so the access has remained unchanged since the youngest was 3. It is worth including that the children are very frightened of anything that risks annoying their mother (such as being 5 minutes late home on a Sunday evening for example, which apparently sets her off into a mad rage).
The routine has become so entrenched that no-one (except me!) seems to question it any more. So it appears out of the question for example that DSSs are more than capable of, heaven forbid, getting the bus to our house instead of DH driving there and back and collecting them. Sundays in particular are a continuing problem - like most teenagers they get up late and so breakfast is often not until 10 or after for them. Meaning it's silly to have lunch earlier than 1 for example. So in order to have the evening meal eaten on time and all their stuff ready to go home etc., there is usually a mad panic to get the meal made and eaten. This means that often they are hurridely gobbling down their food, not finishing it, leaving the table while I/DH/DS are still eating to run around stresing over being late home.
Now, whilst clearly an option would be to start making dinner earlier, this makes it virtually impossible to do anything in the afternoon such as go out. (worth mentioning that on a "non-access" weekend, we would usually have a light tea at say 6pm/6.30pm. So we change our our routine to suit the mother's insistence that the teenagers are returned to her at 6pm).
Another thread this week has made me question this silly regimented routine on a Sunday. Why on earth are we rushing and stressing out on a Sunday, disturbing a family meal just because their controlling mother insists on having a 17 and 14 year old home at 6pm.
So I want to set about finding an alternative less stressful solution and intend discussing this with DH. Before I do, I wanted opinions on this.
How about we offer DSSs 2 alternatives -
- We all share a relaxed family lunch as usual, 1ish for example. We then have a light tea as per our normal family routine at 6 or 6.30 (depending on what we're doing that afternoon as a family). DSSs stay to eat with us, but accept this means they won't be home until relaxed meal is concluded, which may mean they're not home until 7.30 sometimes.
OR
- Lunch as usual, say 1ish, as above. If DSS's don't want to do option 1 in fear of their mother, then they accept this means DH bringing them home before our family tea. This would in reality therefore mean them leaving at say 5.
Thoughts??