DP's anger at my disengagement

(35 Posts)
fackinell Sat 06-Apr-13 22:19:19

Been with my partner for a couple of years now, he was single when I met him, ExW left for another man 8yrs ago. He has a daughter aged 16 who I tried to get to know and be friendly towards until last summer when I MC'd our baby.

He announced the pregnancy to his daughter at 6wks as he wanted her to be one of the first to know. I wanted to wait until 12 but he talked me round. I had unlimited shit thrown at me from his daughter, the ex and her family, I developed high BP and lost the baby 2 wks later. It may have happened anyway but they stopped harassing me after that and if they felt guilty, good!! I accept that at my age (early 40s) it may not happen again and I'm pretty sure I don't want it to anyway, given the circumstances.

There have been several incidents since of her 'pulling rank' over me. I don't want to be a bitch and itemise every detail, but basically any way possible that makes him choose her over me or ruining our plans.

I have never been nasty to the girl (although I fantasise about screaming at her to tell her how spoiled and entitled she is) and have chosen to completely disengage when she is around.

My partner refuses to confront her on her behaviour (she is never nasty to my face but he tells me what she says and does, as do other people.) He is angry for me for no longer interacting with her above a polite hello and goodbye.

TBH I love him but see no other option but to get out. I don't expect to be more important than his daughter but I should have a voice in the house we share.

Family holiday looming (with his parents and siblings, who I really get on well with but his daughter too.) I really can't handle a week away with someone who resents my living and breathing. What should I do? hmm

fackinell Mon 08-Apr-13 11:25:28

The others are hugely supportive and totally get where I'm coming from. They say things to me about how unhappy they are with her behaviour but will mention none of this to him. For example, Grandad has been in at her for ages to get a job and she won't do it. She says she's too tired. He is still waiting on a Christmas thank you too and asked if she'd received it and she replied 'yeah.' He then sat fuming and vented to his wife later but said nothing at the time. Nobody pulls DP up on it.

DP says that his style of parenting has worked fine for them over the years and she has given him no trouble (by getting what she wants.) he claims she is very vulnerable due to the split and gets easily upset. I pointed out that she is lucky to have a loving father (mine knocked 5 kinds of shit out of me) and saying no occasionally is not bad parenting. I'm going to get nowhere with this I think. She has zero boundaries and even when she does grow up this will all be repeated in a few yrs with grandchildren. She will demand he looks after them while she goes out and yet again he won't say no!!!!

It doesn't sound like he's ever going to change sad I would have to walk away from a relationship like that. Like you said it will continue into adulthood and you will live in a state of resentment, until it has gnawed away all your respect and affection for him. If the rest of the family are too afraid to take a stand, then you have to ask yourself whether you are willing to put up with this for the rest of your life or whether it's best just to cut your losses. It affects you more right now because you have to live with this day in, day out, but at least there are no blood-ties for you. You do have the option to get out before it grinds you down.

fackinell Mon 08-Apr-13 11:46:32

Yes, fortunately I do. It's a shame as he's fantastic in every other way. I will really miss him when I go. Thanks for all the good advice, folks.

hairtearing Mon 08-Apr-13 11:53:35

I so sorry about the pregnancy thing, I can't believe how they behaved that's awful.

It seems like he will never do what he needs too.

sad Sorry about the MC too. At that point he should have grown a backbone with regards to his DD. Appalling that he didn't protect you from such harrassment when you were at your most vulnerable. sad for you.

NatashaBee Mon 08-Apr-13 12:18:19

As rude as your SD sounds, the fault is with your partner for not setting boundaries for her. It sounds like you've done everything you reasonably can to try and fix this.

Jan45 Mon 08-Apr-13 15:26:59

Poor you. Fact is he loves her, you don't and never will. Neither of you will ever have the same perspective because of this but you should still be able to sit down and discuss a reasonable solution for all, perhaps you going away or threatening to go will help resolve it, I really don't know, depends how much you want to be together I suppose.

fackinell Mon 08-Apr-13 17:39:17

Yes, it wasn't the best time last summer and the Exes DIL has since had a baby to add an extra sting to it all. Lucky for her nobody gave her any nasty shit while she was pg.

I was hoping I could grow to love his daughter back in the beginning but not now. At best I can hope to grow to like her if she outgrows all this. Still rather confused about what to do but will look into ft work anyway so I'm good to go. Shame because I love my job but an extra 300 a month would make all the difference.

delilah89 Wed 25-Sep-13 21:11:52

I know exactly what you mean he and she sound like a pair of sh*ts. People are so guilty about kids of separations/divorces they are often allowed to behave so badly. I think you should meet a new man.

fubar74 Thu 26-Sep-13 17:17:09

Fackinell, sounds like you are having a hard time, my DH got mad at me 'disengaging' with his DS after I was basically expected to accept his bad behaviour saying I was making matters worse not better! makes you want to scream.

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