honest and possibly sensitive question, but, if you knew then what you know now, would you have got involved with someone who had kids?

(62 Posts)
wannaBe Fri 05-Apr-13 17:57:42

was going to namechange for this but ...

Before I was married and had my ds I was adament that I would never get involved with someone who had kids. It just seemed like a complete nightmare to me, although obviously at that point I had no dc of my own so didn't have that maternal thing iyswim.

Now I have a ds who is ten, and me and h separated in July last year. I am by no means even in the market for dating let alone getting into any kind of relationship, but sometimes I see posts on here from step parents and the issues they have being a blended/step/(whatever the correct term is) family and I think that maybe my resolve to never get involved with someone with kids hasn't actually changed.

But then the alternative is to only get involved with someone who doesn't have kids, who in turn wouldn't have a clue, and wouldn't that make me a hipocrit?

I'm not even sure this is the right place for this, but perhaps I am less likely to get a pasting here than on say ibu or chat...

So - did you ever think about it? and if you knew then what you know now, would you have thought differently?

And just to clarify, I'm not suggesting for a minute that anyone regrets the situation they're in at the moment, just whether or not with hindsight they may have made different decisions...

Df has 4 kids with his 'childhood sweetheart' and one with his ex wife. Df doesn't see the 4 for the CS's sake - she has asked him to keep out, they are 'her' kids and he was a 'willing doner' (true) but he talks to the older 2 on facebook/by phone so in that respect i am very very lucky that whilst i have SC i am not a SP.

His dd to ex wife i dote on but she lives miles away so again only really facebook/phone/skype but she is just the cheekiest little madam and gorgeous too, the utter double of df with his attitude so it's no wonder i love her! Once she's older and visits more moves in please i hope we'll get on just as well as we do now. So long as ex wife minds her spiteful mouth i think we will grin

SussexBelle Mon 10-Jun-13 18:51:57

Joins in with MoodyDidIt and the hollow laugh...

allnewtaketwo Mon 10-Jun-13 18:12:59

Fenton I was thinking exactly the same thing. Sounds like the OP has a chip on her shoulder a bit of an unhealthy obsession

MoodyDidIt Mon 10-Jun-13 18:06:18

no i wouldn't TBH

i love dh, and wouldn't change what we have but my god have we both been through some heartache

but I had no idea; I was young. I was naive. i had visions of me, dh, my ds and his dd being one big happy family..... ha ha ha <hollow laugh>

StillSlightlyCrumpled Mon 10-Jun-13 15:34:34

I would do it all again & am one of those for whom it's mostly been plain sailing. BUT I absolutely wouldn't get involved if things were acrimonious between the potential partner & his ex. I wouldn't if a court had had to decide when access had to take place either. The more I have read on here over the years the more I strongly believe that the only reason it has been easy / natural for me is because all of the adults involved have behaved appropriately.

Fenton Mon 10-Jun-13 13:38:01

I am baffled by the purpose of this thread considering the OP's opinion of 'people who get together with people who already have children'

And she hasn't returned to the thread to comment on the answers - confused

Seems a bit goady to me, like a retrospective 'you've made your bed now lie in it'

hmm

Stepmooster Mon 10-Jun-13 13:05:14

I think it entirely depends on how the person you are getting involved with parents their children and how they perceive the roles of second wives/husbands.

I thank my lucky stars DH does not treat me like a skivvy nor expect me to parent DSS, he doesn't let DSS back chat me and he is getting much better at saying 'no' to his ex. I care about DSS but I am not put in ridiculous sitautions that a lot of poor folk are, of having the full responsibility of looking after DSC's on their own, with no respect, no opportunity to discipline, nor have any rights at all. I would never settle for that.

CoffeePleaseSir Mon 10-Jun-13 12:24:51

No, no way.
I have found it complicated, heart wrenching (at times) and bloody hard work, I couldn't go through it again.

Molson10 Mon 10-Jun-13 12:18:14

oh this is so comforting to read. sorry am crying again

I've just had a hell of a night with SC and MIL, I am absolutely at rock bottom and just don't know if I can do it any longer. I have aged 20 years in 6, the SD started on our wedding day. She is 20 now and it still continues, not helped by her brother.

In desperation last night I posted on the am I being unreasonable forum, so if anyone would like to give me any advice or tip, would be very much appreciated.

Stupidly I thought if I was nice to them and didn't try too hard, we'd get there eventually.

I have to add, the our problem is indirectly the ex, she doesn't get involved day to day, but stirs it from afar and will call to lecture me and DH on how we should do things, even though she throw out her daughter on chrismas Eve when she was 17 !! The ex show my husband no respect and so the kids don't either so I'm on a hiding to nowhere.

SussexBelle Mon 10-Jun-13 08:56:24

No.

Actually, let me think..... no.

Petal02 Sun 09-Jun-13 21:29:53

One of my friends, with 2 children, is about to set up home with her new man, who also has 2 children. She can't foresee any problems ......

YvyB Sun 09-Jun-13 21:27:23

Newbie here but what a relief to read this post! No way. Never again. Ever.

Lostinsuffolk Tue 16-Apr-13 10:58:41

No way. i would avoid a bloke with kids like the plague.

I'm the same as many on here, I love my DP very dearly and his kids, I have none of my own and have days when I realise why!! that said, we've been through hell and back (mainly due to a nightmare ex) have split up once and got back together again with more focus on us and everything's better (apart from the ex!!). Maybe if she wasn't so mental things would be easier?? smile

ScumbagCollegeDropout Tue 16-Apr-13 10:35:29

I was/am of your thinking too, OP.

Separated last year with 2 DCs.

I don't want anymore children myself and was not really wanting to be a SM to someone else's.

I freely admit I am not the most maternal mother out there. 2 children is my limit.

Thankfully for me my boyfriend has no children and due to health issues is not wanting any of his own. I'm well aware that this may change in the future but at this point in time these are our stances on the subject.

uniqueatlast Sun 14-Apr-13 11:02:05

Absolutely not. I wouldn't be without my children but I wouldn't get involved with someone with children if I knew then what I know now. If dh and I were ever to separate, I'd rather be single than try and blend another family. It's too hard.

mummatotwo Fri 12-Apr-13 18:17:50

No, no and no!

Although we have our own gorgeous DS...before he was born it was like treading on eggshells not to upset the DSC, not to push them out, not to go on too much about pregnancy incase they felt shunned etc... Then when our DS arrived all the same again

Looking back we never really got around to having another DC and in hindsight I think it was due to all the above and it makes me sad.

DSC are now late teens, hardly see them as they prefer to spend time with their friends, go to parties etc. Which is understandable Have sleepovers most weekends and hardly spend time with us.
So no I wouldnt get involved again as I spent the first 10 years bending over backwards for them and my DH at my own expense

SweetSeraphim Wed 10-Apr-13 18:05:45

Absolutely not. But only because the exw is so involved in our lives... if it were just us, my dc and his dc, it would be almost peachy.

Morien Wed 10-Apr-13 14:25:16

It's a relief to me to read all these honest answers. The only other SM of young children I know in RL always maintains that life's just wonderful and she wouldn't have it any other way, which makes me feel crap...

DP is without a doubt the most wonderful man I've ever been involved with, and my DSCs are fantastic too - definitely no problem with any of them per se, but it's hard work and a lot of the time I feel quite isolated. I don't have DCs of my own so I feel there's a huge imbalance (although I'm not blind to the fact that my not having DCs has made it easier for us all in other ways), as well as the fact that my DP therefore isn't an SDad. I wish he were sometimes, because he might have a better understanding of my situation.

When it's good it's really good, but I can't help but be aware that our main problems are things which wouldn't exist if it weren't for the existence of my DSCs. Would it make a difference if the DSCs mum weren't around? Yes, I think it would, not because she causes problems particularly, but because then I think my role towards these 3 small children would be clearer, with less scope for feeling taken for granted, resentment, etc etc.

Kaluki Wed 10-Apr-13 12:14:28

NO.
We are fine(ish) now but its been a long hard slog to get here and I still wonder if it was all worth it and if it will ever be 'easy'.
I've been a stepmum before to a lovely teenage girl who was a dream stepchild and it was a breeze so I thought I had it all sussed. I was so so wrong (another hollow laugh!)
In a way though the kids have kept us together, I have invested so much time and energy into this I can't walk away because I couldn't be responsible for putting them all through another breakup so in a way they have made us stronger!!

Eliza22 Tue 09-Apr-13 17:13:16

I did feel that it was a positive if the potential partner had kids (and he was a good dad who was "there" for them) and saw them often. Firstly, because he might be good to my son and secondly, I could think of no reason his 3 would object to be and we'd all be happy/ok/it would work.

I was wrong.

Fairylea Tue 09-Apr-13 17:02:33

Well I am very hypocritical because when I was a single parent with dd there was no way I would have got involved with another single parent... being a single parent is difficult enough without having two exes to contend with a different contact weekends etc and not to mention two or more children arguing etc.

But...
Clearly I expected someone childless to become involved with me and I've never ever had issues - I've had a few serious relationships, none ended because of me being a parent.

I am now happily married and have another dc with my now dh.

I just couldn't deal with all the hassle of trying to blend two lots of dc. But I know a lot of people do and it's fine.

Eliza22 Tue 09-Apr-13 16:58:41

I'm with DoctorAnge. I was naive. I met DH long after his wife's affair that finished their marriage. One of his kids hates me. It has been and continues to be total hell. I am condemned by her and my refuting of her accusations is never heard. The years go by and my confidence is practically non-existent.

Yes, I love DH so yes I'd do it again but I'd be tougher and not take any nastiness.

Yes, I would, but then Dss was 16 when i met dh so it was only a couple of years of turbulence, now Dss is 21, things are fairly harmonious.

I feel v sorry for DH and his previous gf (not ow)- his ex really made their lives hell.

FrauMoose Mon 08-Apr-13 19:53:41

Yes, I'd agree - though an awful lot of people do end up discovering they're not suited after the children have appeared. Uncomplicated separations and divorces appear to be in very short supply....

NotaDisneyMum Mon 08-Apr-13 18:59:48

frau of course they do, but ending a failing relationship in which step-children are involved is a very different proposition to ending one where there are no DCs.

Step children have almost always experienced the loss or separation of their parents already in their life, and step parents are often involved in picking up the pieces from that, which makes it a lot harder to cut your loses and leave if things aren't what you anticipate!

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