Just need to vent

[Petal02]

DH and I are going away on holiday next week, we fly in the early hours of Saturday morning. We're supposed to have DSS18 on Thur and Fri night. DSS still wants two nights with us next week, as we're away the week after. But DH is working away Mon/Tues/Wed nights, so it's not like DSS could come a day earlier than usual to get his quota of nights in. Thursday is the only night that week that DH will be home. Rather than class Friday night as off-limits due to our early Saturday flight, DH is suggesting we drop DSS back home at around 12.30am/1am, on our way to the airport. Seems insane to me, it will give DSS a broken nights sleep, and give us the stress of having to do a detour in the way to the airport. My suggestion is that we have DSS for an extra night when we get back. But no.

All in the name of rota- compliance! DH commented that if we do this, he can go away happy in the knowledge that he's "done his bit for the week".

Am not seeking answers, as there aren't any. Just wanted to write all this down, I find it helps.

[waltermittymissus]

Did you say your ss is 18?

Would it be possible for him to stay and let himself out the next morning?

[OhChristHasRisenFENTON]

Petal

THAT IS BONKERS

[Petal02]

Yes, it is indeed bonkers.

We wouldn't be happy with him letting himself out on Saturday morning as he's not good at switching things off or locking up. I wouldn't relax on holiday if he'd been the last person in the house. Imagine getting back from a week away to find the bath taps were running ....

All hail the rota!!!!!

[waltermittymissus]

Tbh I'd probably be the same with sd.

The last time she was with us, her mum packed her case for her?!

YANBU to think it's bonkers! My sympathies to you!

[flurp]

That is ridiculous!!!
The fact that your DH and his ex are still complying with a rota at 18 is beyond belief!!!!
Dropping him home at 12.30 at night is actually only half an overnight stay - will your DH then owe him half a night when you get back
Crazy crazy crazy!!!

[OhChristHasRisenFENTON]

Oh God flurp is right.... one night when you're back from your hols you're going to have to get up at 1am, drive to pick him up to come back and sleep at yours until 8am.

Otherwise it's just not fair.

poor kid, it doesn't sound like you want to stick rigidly to the access rota well into his 20's at all...

[Petal02]

Roll on September is all I can say, the two universities he's really keen on are at the opposite end of country.

I'll be having champers and I won't be sharing it!!!! (Just bracing myself for Noam, who started the anti-step mother thread, to throw some tomatoes at me ........)

[Petal02]

Fenton, I thought we could offset the 'lost' access hours against the 7 night holiday we took him on last summer?!? It's parenting-by- spreadsheet!

[OhChristHasRisenFENTON]

[Petal02]

I really don't mind if Noam wants to throw tomatoes, just so long as she doesn't knock my champagne over!!

[purpleroses]

That is bonkers. Getting to bed at 1am just so he can have had the "right" number of nights on a given week is not doing any good to anyone.

No chance you could get his mum to pick him up from yours on the Saturday morning (so she can check all is locked up?) Or get a neighbour to check after he's gone?

But it is stupid anyway - as you'll be busy getting ready to go away on the Friday night - and DSS would be left out of your packing, and just aware he wasn't going with you - how is that supposed to be good for him?

[allnewtaketwo]

I think we should create a "most ridiculous step family incidents ever" list. This can be number one

[LtEveDallas]

Absolutely flaming ridiculous. Seriously Petal, I'd be laughing in your DHs face by now, because that is just beyond bonkers. How could anyone think that is the right thing to do. Oh my Lord and

[AllDirections]

Rota compliance at age 18

[theredhen]

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh

On you behalf!

[DeskPlanner]

Bloody hell, I've read everything now.!

[catsmother]

Ha ha I also thought it was Petal just from reading this ridiculous tale. I mean, who, exactly, is going to die - DH or SS ? - if one night is "lost" ??!!

[Petal02]

Update: DH has just found out he's only working away on Mon/Tues nights next week, instead of Mon/Tue/wed, so he's arranged to have DSS for Wed and Thur nights, instead of Thur and Fri (til 1am). So whilst this has solved the immediate problem, it hasn't addressed the bigger, underlying problem of extreme rota compliance.

Probably judgement on me for leaving the country to avoid DSS wanting to hang round our house/DH for days on end over Easter.

DH can legally stop paying maintenance in June, we're anticipating the ex will want us to increase access if we're no longer paying.

[LtEveDallas]

Oh Petal, it's just not funny is it? What a crock.

Time to open the maybe.

[grapelovingweirdo]

That's so shit Petal, I'm angry for you ! Where the hell does it end? It's like when DP and I went away for the weekend earlier this year, he then took SD to the same place a few months later to make up for it. Bit weird

[Targetpractice]

Happy for OP that at least the going away has worked out.
Btw, my ds, nearly 15, is now being trusted to lock up on his way to his dad's when dh and I are off on city breaks. Only twice a year, but ds has been great. Stepmum also offered to check house when collecting him first time. But now he does it all himself and sets off quite happily on his own. Dad lives about an hour away on public transport.
Honestly though, I wouldn't trust dsc of similar age to do same.

Grape, I agree, the going away with dd to same resort is indeed weird. I wouldn't have it. Please read up on covert incest if it freaks you out. Patricia Love's book on covert emotional incest changed my life!

[theredhen]

Petal, I hope you have a fab, rota free holiday.

If its any consolation we are leaving dsd home alone at 4am when we go away rather than have her go to her mothers as originally planned. I'm not happy either. Dp is so scared she might enjoy herself at her mums, he's schemed and plotted a way to get her to stay at ours and lose the extra night at mums. I can guarantee he'll try and pick her up from the airport on the way home too despite that not bring the plan.

I'm hoping going away will be a good time for us to do something positive because its one argument after another at home at the moment.

[Petal02]

Thanks Redhen, DSS was taken back to his mothers at lunch time. He wanted to stay til after dinner, but I didn't want DH having to do an hour's round trip at that time, when he really needs to be packing etc. Also, experience has taught me that taking things right up to the wire with drop-offs (particularly when we've got a plans to catch) can often provide an opportunity for the ex to "misunderstand" arrangements and cause us problems.

If he wasn't going to Uni in September, I would be travelling on a one-way ticket; I never thought we'd be in this situation with an 18 yr old!

[NotaDisneyMum]

petal glad its worked out for you- have a great time!