Why do Stepchildren need to stay the night?

(102 Posts)
tinybluemoon Mon 18-Mar-13 10:41:15

Just a question that was raised in my other thread (Sorry MN head quarters, I know you hate these spin offs) that I thought might be worthy of exploration.

Why is it so important that our stepchildren stay the night? It isn't like any activities or bonding can be undertaken while sleeping, and I know myself I've always preferred to sleep in my own bed, and I know my own children are much the same. Surely it would be just as worth while to eat dinner as a family and than return home, especially if the children must be up early to be delieved home in the morning, not leaving much time for morning activities.

So why is it always viewed as important for visitation to include overnights? Who actually benefits from these? The children? The parents? The CSA? Who?

MortifiedAdams Mon 18-Mar-13 10:42:53

Because then the children can feel.at home with both parents. They get the whole.experience. The second home feels theirs too, rather than them simply being made to feel like guests in it.

Because why.not?

50BalesOfHay Mon 18-Mar-13 10:44:19

So the other parent can have a night out and a lie in?

Branleuse Mon 18-Mar-13 10:45:13

everyone benefits.

The stepchildren see it as another home. The mother gets a night off, your dp gets to feel like his children are part of the family, you get the opportunity to bond and feel like theyre part of your family, which they ARE. Its partly symbolic.

why are they only staying one night instead of weekends?

Startail Mon 18-Mar-13 10:45:55

Because the other parent might want space to form, cement a new relationship.

Because it's nice for their Dad to put them to bed?! don't you love putting your own kids to bed? All snuggled up and sleepy? Then see them again in the morning, it's different, why don't you like them staying?

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 10:49:39

DH's solicitor told him that overnighting only "came into fashion" when the CSA started using 'nights per week spent with NRP' as a method to calculate maintenance.

FreakoidOrganisoid Mon 18-Mar-13 11:03:04

My children don't have a step parent yet but they stay at their dads overnight so that
They have a longer stretch of time with him
So that he does some actual parenting (bath, bed, get them up and dressed etc) rather than just taking them out on jollies
So that I get a break (yes I know most parents dont but t is very different being the sole person responsible day in day out to having someone to share the load with- I don't know how lone parents who don't get a break cope tbh)
So that they have more of a parent/child relationship with him than him being someone they see for a few hours at a time
So that his house is a second home for them...

UC Mon 18-Mar-13 11:10:07

Because he is their dad!

My DCs spend time at their dad's and time here. Just because we split up doesn't stop him being their dad, and their relationship is important. The DCs have a right to that relationship.

tinybluemoon Mon 18-Mar-13 11:14:59

But UC why is it necessary for them to sleepover to achieve that?

Branleuse Mon 18-Mar-13 11:15:13

why do you need to live with your dp?

Their bed at yours should be seen as their own bed

hmm

Are you reading the thread OP? Can I ask again, why don't you like them staying over?

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 11:24:51

Libertine, the OP has very limited space, and 3 step children who stay over each fortnight. There's another thread running about bedrooms.

tabulahrasa Mon 18-Mar-13 11:25:47

There's bathtime, bedtime, waking up and having breakfast together... it's not just about sleep, they're all important things to do with a parent.

The ideal is that they have two homes with two parents, not one home with somewhere they visit occasionally.

Ah, cheers petal unfortunate, but still think once a fortnaight they could be accommodated?

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 11:31:01

Libertine, that's what is being discussed on the Bedrooms thread smile

I shall go, forthwith and RTFT grin

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 11:37:06

I can see no harm in overnighting if it works for all parties, but we seem to have a culture whereby overnighting HAS to take place, even if it means people (step children included) practically sleeping on the washing line and/or having silly journeys to school by being in the wrong place on school mornings.

UC Mon 18-Mar-13 11:42:44

Tiny, in an ideal world, sharing their living between their dad and me means that the DCs have an equally strong parent/child relationship with both their parents. We are lucky, we don't live far away from eachother and can both do school runs etc. I think staying there increases their view that his home is their home, and so is the home they have with me. They stay at his for nearly half their time, and with me for just over half. Both of us are involved in homework, activities, friends.

The OP's other thread puts her dilemma into perspective - 7 children to accommodate plus her and DP, and 3 bedrooms to do it in until they can finish the house they are building for them all to be able to live in.

RaspberrySchnapps Mon 18-Mar-13 11:46:22

slow hand claps OP. ere you go love, have my very first ever biscuit.

because they are now your family, not visitors, and have a place and a right to be in the home just as much as you do. If you don't like it, don't live with someone who already has children. You have that choice, the children don't.

If you are short on space, muck in all together. You know, like a big family does. Make it fun, shared beds, sleeping bags and zed beds depending on age. Don't reject children because it upsets the furniture arrangements. Furniture can't learn to hate you. If the children have gone through a family breakdown the last thing they need is to be made to feel like outsiders by their own parent and his/her partner. Poor kids.

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 11:49:57

UC, you've hit the nail on the head with your "in an ideal world" comment. In an ideal world, everyone would have plenty of space, and would be close to the child's school. In an ideal world though, there wouldn't be separated families ....

CoreOfLore Mon 18-Mar-13 11:55:33

From what I've read Raspberry most of the children involved are babies, or little more than babies. I don't think sleeping bags and such are a good choice.

Al0uise Mon 18-Mar-13 11:57:13

It's been the practice since way before the CSA was even a twinkle in a politicians eye. Parents both need to provide a home for their children.

A very bitter op I suspect.

UC Mon 18-Mar-13 12:11:21

Exactly Petal, in an ideal world. It isn't always possible to achieve, sadly.

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