Dss to change schools to sabotage 50:50?

[Quiltsgalore]

Sorry, long. Have nc to focus on this one question.

Dss, 12, wants to move in with us 50:50 after Easter, ex agreed initially last year but has kept pushing the date back.

Dss never happy in present class, wants to change to dsd (state) school after next school year anyway, which only takes seniors (we don't live in UK, slightly different school set up on Continent).
I've suggested to dh and dss calmly that dss ask for transferral to parallel class in same (private) school which means least amount of change but away from taxing environment ( bullies in class and French as second language, as opposed to English in parallel class he is fluent in anyway. Would ease his mind no end).

However, his mum now wants him to change schools completely for this one coming year. Her suggestion: a posh school for dullards up the road from where they live, a school deemed (rightly) unsuitable when they both began secondary education. Dss by no means stupid, just hates French and not good at languages in general. More science geek like his dad.

I'm interpreting this change of mind to her not wanting dss to live with us, as way too awkward to reach this school from our house, nearly an hour with changes in public transport, walking etc. ok in fine weather but hell in winter. bloody cold here then. All our combined kids lucky with schools at the moment as all close to underground where we live and reachable within 30 mins tops door to door.
My question, should I support dss and dh at least morally? Asking dh to put his foot down regarding school change so as not to block new living arrangements, or back off totally?

Have sounded calm and collected so far, but feel I should add ex is a controlling narcissist and while dsd is proverbial "golden child" with no boundaries and limitless freedom of choice, dss is an "also ran" it suits to have around to collect cm.

Have own ds so no wish on my part to steal another woman's child, but my heart bleeds for him and the emotional abuse he endures. Which he may be aware of, hence wish to move in with us?

I'm in a bind, please feel free to offer suggestions that you feel would benefit DSS most. I'm too close to be fully objective. Thanks

[Allswellherefolks2]

Can't give much advise but didn't want to read and run. As long as dh is aware of what's happening best leave it up to the parents then?

[Beamur]

Your proposal sounds reasonable and 50:50 childcare is also, perfectly reasonable.
What does your DH think about his ex's schooling suggestion and importantly, what does DSS think about going to the dullard school?
I think you are right in that the decision about the school is going to have a fundamental impact on whether or not DSS can come and spend more time with you and his Dad.
Presumably the school your DSD goes to is commutable to your house too.

[Catchingmockingbirds]

I think you should leave his mum and dad to decide and you shouldn't push anyone or influence any decisions.

[Quiltsgalore]

Thanks for replies.

Yes, it is up to the parents. Just hate to see obvious manipulation.

Dss knows the alternative school option has worse standards, but said at least classmates from primary school go there. It made me think his mum is trying hard to sell this option so he can't realistically move in 50:50 with us.

His present school is within easy access, as will be his future school of choice.
I'm sorry if I sound pissed off, but it is insulting how openly manipulative ex is.

Dss has worked up such courage to ask for a change in living arrangements. She could have simply said no to these proposals but chooses to use schools as welcome pretext to block.

Don't really know how dh really feels. I know he does not want to rock the boat and it was me who pointed out the hurdle.

Have not of course said any of my suspicions to dss, just the recommendation to transfer to another class in present school. Which went down well.

[Choccsaway66]

Does sound a bit fishy, def get dh input on this. Don't get drawn in, they'll blame you or at least wont thank you. Great that you care though.

[purpleroses]

Could you try and separate the timing of the two decisions? ie he moves to live 50-50 with you as planned after Easter, and then agree to making a decision on schooling at the end of the academic year? That way, he's settled into new routine and ex is hopefully getting used to it before he needs to think about a new school.

Is he Y7? Well worth talking properly to the school about what is wrong before contemplating a move - maybe it's just the transition from primary that he's struggling with? Moving anywhere in the middle of secondary is not so easy - sylabuses, languages on offer, etc all differ between schools. Moving mid-year is particularly not ideal.

[Quiltsgalore]

Hi, yes moving in after Easter is still on the cards.
Nothing finalized with schools as yet. And wouldn't happen mid year (y7). The question is where to finish last year of junior high?

Dh is pretending work schedule and his cold are stopping him thinking about this thoroughly at present. The truth is he is scared of the ex.
I have no wish to fight someone else's battle with this cold hearted bitch domineering woman.
What I do see is a lonely child clinging to the idea of dad miraculously stepping in to secure his right to 50:50 (dss wish since a year).
Unfortunately dss has unwittingly given mum the chance to block the new living arrangements she was never happy with anyway.
I know, this screams KEEP OUT.
As a teacher I feel added burden of wanting to contribute some kind of professional input/support. But as sm feel totally useless and .

[Viviennemary]

It's really up to his parents what school he goes to and to your step-son himself to state his preference.

[Quiltsgalore]

Hi Viv, I guess if it were that straightforward I wouldn't have posted.
In the meantime...
Have asked dh to state his preference and at least he assured me that he'd totally support dss and HIS preference, which means standing up to ex.

I agree it is none of my business and in general I don't interfere. AND I still ask myself:
Do I allow a bully free reign to control and manipulate to HER advantage exclusively? As she is the mother I suppose I should.
I just hope if I ever act connivingly regarding my own ds, my dh will feel at least morally obligated to raise an eyebrow, shake his head and sigh sadly. And hopefully I will take the hint.