Dsteens and moving out

[Incrediblemee]

Dh and I set up home over 3 years ago, my now 15 ds lives with us, his 12 ds will shortly move in 50:50. His 16 dd will probably continue to live with mum. I'm confused why dh has been talking about my ds moving out at 18 (not expected, we live in city with lots of unis to choose from, neither I nor ds dad can afford to pay for a flat for him) ever since we've been together. Dh family and ex w family are not hurting for money and so will be able to afford the best of everything for their dc. Dd already talking about studying abroad, no way I can keep up with this obvious flaunting of funds.
Tbh getting a sound education is something Ill pay for gladly if I can keep accommodation funds down, ds is already quite independent, always willing to add more things to his list of chores. And does not bug me for money, has adequate allowance, etc. I suppose I'm trying to say ds is not a pest to have around, he gets on well with step siblings, is really sweet and loving to dh. Wish my dsc were as kind and considerate to me.
It really angers me that now I agreed to take on dss, and that entails lots of further entitled demands on me, my dh is still on about my ds imminent exit from the house which is financed mainly by me and big enough for all of us! Is this understandable in any way at all?

[purpleroses]

Have you talked to your DP about your expectations for DS?

I think a lot of people do tend to assume kids who're off to university will leave home at 18 - though they'll usually be back in the holidays for a few years at least. Living at home to study may make good sense, and is becoming more common, but it's still not what the majority of students do. And by the sounds of it your DP expects his own DCs will go away to study, so not so surprising he expects this of your DS too. But talking about it all the time must make you feel your DS is rather unwanted :(

What does DS think he'll do? If he has GCSEs this summer then he's old enough that he ought to be thinking what he might do post 18. Even if you're in a big city, there will be come courses, etc that aren't on offer where you live, so he probably shouldn't rule out leaving home. Students get loans to pay for lodgings, or work in the holidays. And studying abroad doesn't have to be off the agenda for him, even if you are pushed for cash - there are grants and loans that students can get.

Is there an issue with enough space in the house for your DSD to live with you too?

[outtolunchagain]

Why don't you just ask your dh why he assumes this ?Stely if you are married you are able to have this conversation , it sounds to me as if he is just assuming that this is what 18 year olds do ,maybe he is trying to soften the blow for you as it would seem that you have not really considered that your ds might go away to college/ university

[Incrediblemee]

Thanx for your replies. It all sounds quite reasonable of course, I just can't help feeling dh does not want ds around. And although this has been happening for some years now, I feel it more acutely now that dss is moving in with us and will be here at least another 6 years. I probably seem very irrational but it looks to me like I built a nest and now my kid gets turfed out for a stepchild! I'm fine with dss moving in, we get along well and talk honestly about life and how we feel. It's dh creating problems or ill feeling when there should not be any. He lacks the sensitivity to see how I might interprete the situation. And if he can't love my ds enough to tolerate his presence beyond 18, why does he think I should be happy to to swap my child for another? Yes, the house is big enough for all 3 kids to live here permanently if need be.
Actually, I think I've just answered my own question. Dh is simply an insensitive bastard... Will have to have words. Thanks again for reading, xx

[flurp]

Presumably your family home is available for all your dc for as long as they need it (within reason )
Next time he talks about DS moving out then tell him how you feel. He might not know that it is upsetting you.

[Incrediblemee]

Will do, although I've the sneaking suspicion he knows he's upsetting me. It s a bit of tit for tat I think. It's pretty clear it would be very awkward to expect his dc to move in fully now or in the foreseeable future. Their mum is toxic to say the least and its having an impact on their relationship to us. Even dss moving in 50:50 is totally against her wishes and she's already laying down the law on how he must be treated! Thankfully I've already read a thread with link to parallel parenting, as opposed to co parenting to sort out minor squabbles.
I suppose I'm ranting a bit because I've been used before in this relationship and my ds feels so at home here with me and dh that if that is now threatened I'm not sure how forgiving I'm going to be .