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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Holiday problems

43 replies

Nurse1980 · 02/03/2013 22:19

Hi,

I'm looking for a bit of advice please.

I have a 17 year old stepson. Me and his dad have a daughter who is 4 month old.

My parents have invited me, OH and our daughter on holiday in June abroad. They have offered to pay.

My parents have never met my stepson and my OH isn't close to my parents and doesn't really make an effort with them.

Anyway my OH is expecting his son to come along, without asking my parents first. I have suggested to my OH that it would be best if the 4 of us do something together in august or if he wants to just OH and his son go away if they would rather do man stuff with stepson being 17.

Anyway this has gone down like a lead balloon and it isn't good enough, he wants his son to come away with my parents. This is a villa in the middle of nowhere, he won't have a TV, Internet etc. He is moody at the best of times (like your average teenager really) and I don't see why my parents should have to holiday with a sulky, bored and moody teenager they have never met.

Am I in the wrong here?

Thanks

OP posts:

Report

RandomMess · 02/03/2013 22:21

Why don't you and the baby go away with them and leave your dp at home ???

Nurse1980 · 02/03/2013 23:22

Hi,

I did think of that but OH doesn't want to miss his daughters first holiday.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 03/03/2013 08:10

I think your DH is being unreasonable.

Nurse1980 · 03/03/2013 08:21

Why do you think he is being unreasonable if you don't mind me asking?

Just wanting to know any other views so I can hopefully make my DH see sense. He still won't back down on this one.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 03/03/2013 09:08

Couple of reasons. He himself doesn't make an effort with your patents, yet expects them to pay for a holiday for his child.

I am assuming that a key reason they haven't met DSS is because they don't actually see your DH much either?

Do you think though that the holiday might be a bit awkward if DH and your parents don't really get on?

Nurse1980 · 03/03/2013 09:14

DH has said that he will pay for his sons flight, but there will be other costs too. Such as my parents will have to hire a bigger car, buy his food.

No he hardly ever sees my parents. When I go to visit them he stays at home. So why should he expect them to h

OP posts:

Nurse1980 · 03/03/2013 09:17

DH has said that he will pay for his sons flight, but there will be other costs too. Such as my parents will have to hire a bigger car, buy his food.

No he hardly ever sees my parents. When I go to visit them he stays at home. So why should he expect them to holiday with his son that they have never met.

My DH and parents do get on when they see each other, but my DH makes no effort to see them, communicate with them etc.

I just dont see why my parents should have to holiday with a moody teenager who will be moaning he is bored. I would understand if he was younger but at 17 surely he is old enough to understand that we can't include him in everything.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 03/03/2013 09:26

I agree with you for the reasons you've stated.

Numberlock · 03/03/2013 09:32

Where would your stepson go if the three of you went on this holiday and how would he feel at being left behind? How has he coped with the arrival of the new baby?

I feel sorry for him, you don't say one positive thing about him in any of your posts.

Nurse1980 · 03/03/2013 09:53

My stepson would stay at his mums house where he lives, he has been fine with the arrival of the baby.

I've not slated the stepson in any of this, it's the way DH is handling the situation. Apart from say he is your typical teenager. There is nothing wrong in my opinion with us going away with him in August on a separate holiday.

This holiday is not appropriate for him for a variety of reasons.

OP posts:

LIZS · 03/03/2013 09:55

Does SS live with you , is he still in education ?

Nurse1980 · 03/03/2013 09:57

No he doesn't live with us. We have a rota in place.

He is at college

OP posts:

LIZS · 03/03/2013 10:57

So should he be at college when you are away ? Can't really imagine he'd think it fun to come along anyway tbh.

Nurse1980 · 03/03/2013 11:08

Yeah he would be, he does want to come.

My DH asked him before he had even asked my parents!! Presuming it would be ok, like what other people may want doesn't matter.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 03/03/2013 11:40

Well if he'd at college surely he shouldn't be taking time out anyway. Presumably in sixth form

Nurse1980 · 03/03/2013 13:47

He wouldn't need to take much time out as he isn't there full time and it's only for a long weekend.

OP posts:

NotaDisneyMum · 03/03/2013 14:26

I'm not sure anyone is 'right or wrong' here; there's just a difference if opinion regarding your DSS role/place in your family.

I've read both threads, OP, and it seems that you don't really feel that your DP has an independent relationship with your own parents; you say that he doesn't make the effort to keep in touch or maintain a relationship with them, is that right?

I get the feeling that you don't currently see your DP and your DSS as part of the relationship you and your DD have with your family, and its up to him to develop his own relationship with them independently from you - but your DP obviously feels differently and expects his DSS to be included in family plans you make.

As this is a milestone for your DD that is important to your DP, then it's understandable that he's put out because he has no influence over it - both his DCs are equally important in his life.

exoticfruits · 03/03/2013 15:40

I don't know why there are two threads-maybe you didn't like the reaction to the other one.
I agree with NotaDisneyMum-the whole problem comes from you and OH having 2 children but not integrating the older one with your family.
It would appear that your parents want you and the baby to go on holiday and therefore have to ask DP , but I can't think they why they want to spend all that time together when they are not close and he doesn't bother with them. It seems odd that he wasn't considered in the initial discussion- to explain from the start that they are leaving a member of the family out.
It seems stalemate at the moment -maybe OH just doesn't want to go and this is his way of getting out of it.
I would think that it was time to have a proper discussion with OH as to whether he really wants to go, and the desirability of getting the grandparents to meet their step grandson and have a relationship with him.

exoticfruits · 03/03/2013 15:47

Looking back I see it is only for a long weekend which makes it very different from being stuck together in a villa for a week or more. It makes more sense that a short break appeals to the 17yr old.

My DH asked him before he had even asked my parents!! Presuming it would be ok,

I have to say that if it was me I would presume that it was OK-it wouldn't have crossed my mind that anyone would plan to leave a member of the family out, without discussing before booking it.

allnewtaketwo · 03/03/2013 15:53

I think it was very unwise of him to invite DSS before you two had even discussed it. My DH and I always discuss holiday details first before we tell the children, I would have thought most parents do. Particularly for example if the holiday is in term time and a child is in school. Or where it involves financial outlay ( which it will for DSS)

Nurse1980 · 03/03/2013 16:09

I posted two threads by accident. I thought I had deleted the other as I can't view it? That's the reason why I haven't replied to the other one.

My DH has never made an effort with my parents and they have been nothing but nice to him in the past. For example last week we took our daughter swimming and I had planned to visit my patents after it. He went in his own car so he didn't have to come.

So I think it's cheeky how he presumes he can bring his son on their holiday without him speaking to them about it first.

We haven't booked anything yet, but I know my stepson from previous holidays and he gets bored and vocalises that a lot. He expects to be entertained. He will be bored on this holiday which is why I have suggested the 4 of us go on a different holiday.

I have suggested to DH that he speaks to his son and ask him what he would rather do regarding holiday plans. But he refuses.

OP posts:

allnewtaketwo · 03/03/2013 16:15

Tbh given that your DH sounds actually very rude with respect to your patents I think it is a) very odd and hypocritical of him to accept a fully funded holiday from them and b) even worse to assume this included a free holiday for his son, who hasn't met your patents (presumably as your DH doesn't see them enough for a mutual meeting to have ever taken place given the son doesn't live with him). Your DH sounds very rude and entitled. I'm cross on your patents' behalf. That your DSS1's father isn't his fault, but not is it yours, and nor is it your parents'

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exoticfruits · 03/03/2013 16:15

It is basically a communication problem-I would guess OH doesn't want to go. The best solution if for you and baby to go on your own with them and have a different holiday for all 4 in the summer-IMO. It sounds as if everyone would be much happier.

allnewtaketwo · 03/03/2013 16:17

I still think your parents shouldn't be expected to treat your husbands son as their own GC when you husband doesn't appear to have the manners to treat them with any respect

N0tinmylife · 03/03/2013 16:25

I feel a bit sorry for your DSS in all this. Maybe he would like to be included in his sisters first holiday? Have you asked your parents what they think about him coming? I can't imagine refusing to take my DSS on holiday with us in a situation where he wanted to come, and was able to. Maybe it is time your parents, and your DH, and DSS got to know each other? How bad can it be if it is only for a long weekend?

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