Holiday problem with stepson

(28 Posts)
Nurse1980 Sat 02-Mar-13 22:10:08

Hi,

I'm looking for a bit of advice please.

I have a 17 year old stepson. Me and his dad have a daughter who is 4 month old.

My parents have invited me, OH and Sophia on holiday in June abroad. They have offered to pay.

My parents have never met my stepson and my OH isn't close to my parents and doesn't really make an effort with them.

Anyway my OH is expecting his son to come along, without asking my parents first. I have suggested to my OH that it would be best if the 4 of us do something together in august or if he wants to just OH and his son go away if they would rather do man stuff with stepson being 17.

Anyway this has gone down like a lead balloon and it isn't good enough, he wants his son to come away with my parents. This is a villa in the middle of nowhere, he won't have a TV, Internet etc. He is moody at the best of times (like your average teenager really) and I don't see why my parents should have to holiday with a sulky, bored and moody teenager they have never met.

Am I in the wrong here?

Thanks

AGivenNickname Sun 03-Mar-13 09:58:01

Have you spoken to your parents about your wants his son to come? Have you spoken to your DSS about if he wants to come or not? I really don't see the problem if he wants to come. I mean he is family. You obviously knew your OH had a son when you met. It's a package deal really.

If your parents have a problem because they would have to pay for him - couldn't you and OH pay his share so he's included?

Numberlock Sun 03-Mar-13 09:44:26

Why are there two threads about this? I've just replied on the other one.

I feel sorry for the 17 year old.

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 09:42:23

I think it is a question of considering him. He has step grandparents who don't appear to have anything to do with him - not to even sending a birthday card. It certainly doesn't seem to have crossed their mind that their DD is a family of 4.

ratbagcatbag Sun 03-Mar-13 09:38:14

Sorry, all knew, I meant holidays, big family stuff etc, but he'll yes if he's at ours and were going to the petting zoo he might want to come. My DSS is14 now, me and DH have started a savings thing at work, because I always said when baby is around six I am taking them on a once in a lifetime trip to Lapland, the four day do everything exclusive affair. We've budgeted to take DSS, he will be 20 then, he may not want to come but we are making sure if he wants to then yes he can come.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 09:23:25

And what when DSS is 18, 20, 22. Should DH still not come because his adult child isn't invited?

Branleuse Sun 03-Mar-13 09:14:23

tell your partner that if hes not happy about it, then he doesnt have to come either.

Its not up to your parents to pay for the 17 year old and your dp is being ungrateful and unreasonable.

I would maybe go with DD and then have a family holiday with all of you.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 09:10:14

Do the parents actually see DH though on anything but an occasional basis?

I agree with exoticfruits.

I don't think the Stepson would want to go but I think it is awful that the OPs parents haven't met a member of their extended family.

I don't understand why your parents have never met DSS. You have a 4mo so presumably have been with DP for at least a year. What is your relationship with DSS like? How do you think he would feel about the hlliday?

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 08:54:38

It sounds like a huge lack of communication- sorry OP I think I am being overly critical as I see you have suggested a family holiday in addition. Personally I would chat to DSS on my own- I can't see that he would want to go.

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 08:40:17

Parents who have never even met part of her family- have never even considered him and OH is supposed to be happy that one of his DCs is favoured over the other.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 08:38:23

You've taken a huge leap there exotic, the OP is talking purely about a one off holiday that her parents have arranged hmm

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 08:28:14

17yr old still want their parents and not to feel pushed out. Does OP really know him? Does she do anything alone with him? Does she just assume that he is older, will be off her hands soon and not part of the family?

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 08:24:15

There is no way that I would let my DH2's family treat my eldest DS differently from my younger ones. I wouldn't have had children with him if he hadn't even got to meet the family. OP and her OH have 2DCs and yet only one is invited on holiday - it appears that DD is family and her brother is a visitor. I would admit that he would most likely not want to go on holiday with them at that age but he ought to be considered when arrangements are made.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 08:23:00

Really ratbag, even to other little children's parties, soft play, petting farms, play dates, etc?

ratbagcatbag Sun 03-Mar-13 08:19:54

Sorry, but think you are in the wrong, I think you need to offer DSS the opportunity to come or it will feel like he's being immediately replaced by your new baby and that's really sad. My DSS spends 50% of his time with us and were due to have a baby this month, we've already discussed that DSS will be invited everywhere we take dbaby.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 08:16:26

Presumably the SC has and has had the opportunity to do things with his own maternal grandparents over the years. I don't think it's wrong if the OPs child is left out if these opportunities either

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 08:14:15

I don't think any child needs 4 sets of grandparents. I don't get it. There's no real reason for the OPs patents to get to know the OPs SC in a situation where his own father isn't even close to them

exoticfruits Sat 02-Mar-13 22:59:26

It all seems poor communication. Odd of your parents not to think of him before booking. I agree with purpleroses. If I was OH I would want my DCs treated equally and the older one at least considered before things were decided.

exoticfruits Sat 02-Mar-13 22:56:38

Maybe OH doesn't want to go- if he and your parents don't have a good relationship it is difficult to have a fun holiday. Perhaps rethink the whole thing.

purpleroses Sat 02-Mar-13 22:55:48

Sorry - meant family of 4 - can't count blush

purpleroses Sat 02-Mar-13 22:55:01

Wouldn't imagine your DSS would be very keen on the idea it either! Does he live with you full time? If so, I think you probably do need either to include him or make alternative arrangements of something he'll enjoy - staying with a friend, holiday camp, or even his own grandparents.

If not, then surely he can stay with his mum whilst you go away. Then maybe try and do a long weekend or something as a family of 5 doing something he'll enjoy and/or the dad-son thing you suggest.

If he doesn't live with you full time, then I think you DP is wrong to just assume he will come, but I also think your parents should have broached the issue of whether he might, or whether your DP would want holiday without him before booking something and just assuming you'll come without him.

exoticfruits Sat 02-Mar-13 22:48:36

I would say the best thing is to discuss it with your step son- I bet he doesn't want to go. I would however introduce him to your parents and let them get to know each other - surely they will have to come across each other?

exoticfruits Sat 02-Mar-13 22:46:24

It sounds like a nightmare for the teenager- I can't see why he would want to come. However I think that it is very sad that your parents haven't met him and don't realise that you are a family of 4- I feel sorry for him being a second class to his sister. When you got DH you got his DS - he didn't come alone.

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