I'm sure I'll get flamed for this, but I've had just about enough.
I'm finding it increasingly difficult to accept the impact that my DSS (age 9) lack of flexibility has on the household - he spends four nights a fortnight here as a long weekend, and as he's got older, our household has gradually adapted so that everything revolves around his needs; rather than accommodating everyones needs within a family environment.
Take his morning routine. It is very specific and each step has to follow the other without deviation. When he wakes up - whatever time and no matter how early, he says that he "has" to come downstairs straight away and have breakfast with his Dad. He says that he "can't remember" to stay upstairs until a certain time - so sometimes gets up in the early hours! If his Dad isn't downstairs, and I am, he will stand in the middle of the kitchen, fidgeting from foot to foot, until his Dad appears - he doesn't say anything to me and doesn't respond to my efforts at conversation, although he will follow direct requests I make - for instance to move to one side. If no-one is downstairs when he comes down, he will come back upstairs and sit outside our bedroom door until Dad gets up. He used to walk in and tell his Dad that he was awake and ready for breakfast. My DP now gets up stupidly early every morning that DSS is here so that he is downstairs when DSS appears.
DSS makes his breakfast in a particular way; the cereal, milk, bowl and cutlery have to be in exactly the same place every day for him to be able to get his own breakfast ready. If the bowl hasn't been put away and is still on the drainer - he can't make his own breakfast. So, DP has routine to check that everything is in the right place for DSS before we go to bed the night before. After breakfast, DSS "has" to go straight upstairs and get washed and dressed - he "can't" wait for someone to come out of the bathroom for instance and then carry on, he just stops getting ready, goes into his room and shuts the door - where DP finds him still in his pajamas when it's time to go to school!
Last week, DP was going out very early for a breakfast meeting; so wouldn't be here to have breakfast with DSS. It became a planned military operation with everyone having to be in a particular place at a particular time in order for DSS to be comfortable with the change in routine - DD had a bathroom slot at a particular time so that she wasn't in there when DSS got to that bit of his routine, and I had to make sure I had finished what I was doing in the kitchen by a certain time so there was space for DSS to put his dirty dish by the sink before he went upstairs. There were little postit notes dotted round the house reminding DSS that his Dad was out and what he had to do next!
I realise that DP is the problem here, he is pandering to his DSS; but is it reasonable for me to say enough is enough and for me to do my own thing; like go into the bathroom when I want to, not when it suits DSS - even if that causes DSS anxiety/upset? The school have no concerns (DP's asked), he's achieving well and it just seems that DSS has decided that this is the way that his brain works and he has no influence over it - which is something that he has said to us when we've tried talking to him about it.
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DetachedandDepressed · 24/02/2013 16:54
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