Finally cracked with Disney dad and his goody goody son

(185 Posts)
quest12 Tue 19-Feb-13 22:42:09

My husband and I have a dd aged 7 we also have his son my stepson over regularly, now since she was toddling around he has tormented her made her cry but been sly about it as in he does it when we're not in the room then denies it, so I turned detective an started leaving the room but listening in so I cud make sure what my dd was telling me was right, and it was - however if I tell him off he takes his sons side and results in a 3 way argument with dss eventually saying if I'm taking dds side then he's not coming down anymore so my hubby begs me to relent and I do to keep the peace.

However yesterday we were at the local swimming pool me and hubby taking turns to go in steam room, as I'm coming out and hubs is going in I seen him elbow her in the head on purpose - she screamed crying and he stood there laughing in her face, then he looked up seen me and said "we were playing catch and cause she couldn't catch the ball she's crying" now I've been calm for 6 years but I exploded calling him a liar and evil for laughing in her face, hubby seen this an came out took dss to one side then came back saying "we're going now you've just told him off for nothing and he's upset now" in the car on way to drop dss off I told him what I'd seen and dd told her dad what happened but he lied and hubby believes him.

I've told him I'm putting up with it no longer and he says I can't tell dss off as he will stop visiting, but to me the happiness and stability of my dd is most important. I think it's an extreme case of Disney dad and I've had enuf he now thinks he can do what he likes as his dad will always take his side. What can I do ban him from coming? Or leave my hubby?

Petal02 Tue 04-Jun-13 09:31:09

Quest - I'm so sorry that it's come to this. Just wanted to send you some moral support.

Kaluki Tue 04-Jun-13 11:57:28

Oh Quest - how sad it has come to this.
Your DH is a disgrace. Using one child to appease the other despite the bullying.
Protect your DD at all costs and stand up for her rights.
Your 'D'H would be doing you all a favour if he left on Friday. Nasty bully.

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Tue 04-Jun-13 17:13:16

Quest I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry.

I must admit when I originally lurked read this thread I did think to myself 'what sort of regular child tortures a sibling from when they are a toddler?!'

But your partner is clearly a huge bully too. IMO the kid got off easy, I would have called a teenager who physically assaulted by much younger DD from when she was a toddler a fucking sociopath, not just evil.

Let him and your scummy partner play the wounded, misunderstood 'tough- guys-with-a-heart-of-gold if that's the vision they want to paint. Fuck your cowardly H. angry

Your daughter will always know while her dad was shite, her mum protected her no matter what the cost to herself. You're so brave, and you're teaching her that no man is allowed to hurt her, whether it be her brother (physically) or her own father (emotionally.)

Seething for you and DD. Your partner sounds almost unhinged. What normal person allows their child to physically abuse their sibling from when they were a toddler then emotionally blackmail her into saying she'll 'put up and shut up.' No normal parent does this.

Sorry, I better stop ranting or I won't stop! This makes me almost literally flush with rage. angry

Snazzywaitingforsummer Tue 04-Jun-13 20:48:35

Go and see a solicitor and say that you are worried for your DD's safety when she is with your H and the SS, and so you want to legally pursue him having supervised contact only or contact without SS there. It's totally unacceptable for your DD to be at risk like this and if your H is ot willing to back off he doesn't deserve contact with her.

Petal02 Thu 13-Jun-13 14:41:17

Quest - are you OK, can you update us?

babyhmummy01 Thu 13-Jun-13 17:42:31

Only just read this thread and all I can say is OMFG your dh is a lunatic.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, at 14 your Dss is more than aware of his actions and needs punishing. Disney dad needs a huge wake up call.

Did he leave quest? Is your dd ok and how are you doing? Hope you are ok and that u have sought legal advice.

Xx

quest12 Fri 14-Jun-13 00:09:44

Specialagenttattoedqueen reading you say how brave I am reduced me to tears, I've been full of feelings from my dh that I'm so cruel for keeping siblings apart even though my dd has told me she doesn't want to see dss, dh keeps saying I'm brainwashing her, I can't get it through to him in his Disney dad state that his son has brought this on not me, he left Friday he had dd sat for a few hours and although I didn't mean it to scare him off I told him that as dd didn't want to see dss if he forced her he would have trouble seeing her in future ( I would never stop him seeing her but have to try to protect her) he seen her on her own and life at home seems happier without him and his controlling ways around even dd has said this, he keeps saying as if I'm desparate for him to come back, il come back if you will let me take dd and dss out together once a week I think he's a bit peeved that I haven't caved in and agreed, does he not realise that if it comes to the happiness of my dd I will chose for him to be away from us all the time!!!!!
Thank you so much for all your replies and for making me feel I'm doing the right thing as my dh would have me thinking I'm the worst in the world while dss is a saint and dd apparently is too young to have a valid opinion. Xxxxxx

Snazzywaitingforsummer Fri 14-Jun-13 00:13:06

So glad you are protecting your DD and that she has said she is happier now things have changed. I imagine he is definitely peeved. He will have to learn to live with the new way of things - he's had it all his way for too long. Good for you.

Snazzywaitingforsummer Fri 14-Jun-13 00:13:45

Oh and you are not being 'cruel' - interesting he says that: projecting or what?

quest12 Fri 14-Jun-13 01:23:51

Yes Hun nice the way men can turn everything around to be our fault isn't it!!!!

SpecialAgentTattooedQueen Fri 14-Jun-13 05:39:33

Quest - You are brave. I cannot imagine how much it must hurt to know that your daughter's father, the man you love(d) allows her to be abused and abuses her himself. It takes enormous strength to hold out the way you are. I can't even begin to imagine how hurt you must be, not just for your DD but for yourself too.

Just for the record - I seriously doubt you scared that little monster. He was probably shocked and angry he got told off and put on his 'I'm a scared little boy' face, so please don't feel guilty.

May I ask what your husband is like towards you and DD in other aspects? It just seems like there's a real element of sexism here.

quest12 Tue 19-Nov-13 22:25:32

sorry to anyone who is new to my story and has to read right through to get it, but to anyone who replied to me last time i have a new concern to ask your opinion on, its been a year in feb since i last saw my stepson he is still refusing to come here yet my hubby sees him every sunday and where as before he would come here now sundays are treat days and dss and the hubby go off doing lovely things with dh spending lots of money treating him (as i have pointed out if he is doing this now where he didnt before dss will see he is getting more out of not seeing us as he gets treats every sunday from dad rather than just coming here but dh dont see it) so i said my daughter cant go with them and she didnt want to cause she remembered how bad dss treated her but after nearly a year and her only being 7 she is forgetting this and only hears dad talking about all the good time him and dss have and that she can come if she wants, so to protect her i said she couldnt go as im so scared and know if she could remember like me she wouldnt want to go so he is saying to her now its ok babes your mums nasty when your 16 its up to you and we will all have nice time together - dss will be 22 by then! firstly does he expect me to forgoe our family sundays together for the forseeable future and secondly is he going to turn my daughter against me?

Petal02 Tue 19-Nov-13 22:48:55

Quest, it's great to hear from you again. I'm just about to go to bed, but didn't want to read and run, and will reply properly in the morning. But just briefly - your husband's behaviour horrifies me: any man who will knowingly put his 7 yr old daughter at risk of trauma and/or injury, purely for the entertainment of his teenage son, should be on a register somewhere. It shocks the hell out of me.

TheMumsRush Tue 19-Nov-13 23:27:53

Give it three years and your dss will have better things to do than go to the fair with dad, and by the time dd is 16 dss will be leading his own life.

quest12 Tue 19-Nov-13 23:43:21

petal you were the main person who gave me good advice at the time i was hoping you would see my post and reply again, he left for 2 weeks but i had my dd saying how much she missed him and him saying how much he missed her and i caved in and said he could come back but as ive pointed out dss came here every wkend and we did do nice things but not every week but now dh feels he has to do something every week with him he has no reason to want to come back here because life is better for him getting treats every week. by the way i did say to my dh if you wasnt taking him out he prob wouldnt want to see you, he said ok then il prove he will, so he rang dss said ive got no money this week do you just want to go the park for a walk dss said yes ok, so he got off the phone all smug saying i told you he would come if i wasnt spending money - ten mins later dss rang - im too tired to go park can we leave it this week but i want to see on the movies so can we go next week when you have been paid. nowt worse than a disney dad!!!

allnewtaketwo Wed 20-Nov-13 07:24:59

OP I remember your story and am so sorry this is all still going on. I imagine you feel you are in a no win situation now. I too would be extremely reluctant to let DD go out with them for the day - there's a chance that, now that DSS is getting all these treats and 1 to 1 time with daddy, he will now see DD as even more of a threat if she comes out with them too. Sorry that probably doesn't help but I can really see why you don't want to let her go.

Apart from that the weekly treats and trips are ridiculous and your DH is behaving terribly. I have no idea what you can do about this though as I fail totally at trying to get my DH to see anything wrong with his parenting of DSSs.

What do you tend to do on Sundays? Is there any way you can turn Sundays into a special day where you and DD do nice things together. Doesn't have to be expensive - but maybe you could try to think of developing a nice routine that is unique to the two of you?

"Give it three years and your dss will have better things to do than go to the fair with dad, and by the time dd is 16 dss will be leading his own life"

On the other hand maybe not - my 18yo DSS is still adhering to the access rota and has absolutely nothing better to do

TheMumsRush Wed 20-Nov-13 07:52:16

What was dh reaction after dss phoned to say he was to tired to go to the park? Not so smug I'm sure! I've read through the post now and feel sorry that this is still going on for you. I think I'd be asking myself where I draw the line. Can you say that dd can go on these trips if you go too? Is that an option now? X

Kaluki Wed 20-Nov-13 11:39:39

Quest your DH sounds absolutely vile, petty and childish and his son is clearly a chip off the old block.
How dare he try to manipulate your dd like this? He sounds like a shit dad and a shit husband tbh.
I really don't know what the answer is - maybe suggest you come along too so you can keep a close eye on dd. If your stepson tries anything at least then you can whip dd away from him. That's not an ideal solution though.

TheWinterOne Wed 20-Nov-13 12:00:25

What an arse. Talk about favouritism and the poster child for Disney Dad parenting.

If he's taking your DSS out to do nice things does he do anything with your DD treat wise when DSS isn't there too?

He may use the excuse of feeling guilty because of splitting with ex's mum so really over compensating but I'd be swiftly pointing out that he is a dad of 2 and both children should be treated equally regardless. One on one separately or together. He can't be treating one child and not the other. Plenty of parents split up. He's not the first and he won't be the last.

Sounds like DSS now expects the Disney parenting and doesn't want it any other way. This tells me he has no actual respect or regard for his dad and just sees him as a cash cow. Is this the sort of relationship your DH wants with his son? Because frankly that isn't a relationship.

It sounds to me also that your DH doesn't treat you or his daughter with respect either. You deserve so much better than this vile cretin.

Petal02 Wed 20-Nov-13 12:15:01

I certainly don't think you should allow your daughter to join them if you can't guarantee her safety, so I agree with the poster who suggests that maybe you could go along too? Not ideal, but it may satisfy your daughter?

As for the Disney Sundays - your DH has really made a rod for his own back, hasn't he? I smirked when I read that DSS wasn't quite so interested in a walk in the park.......

If your DH is set on continuing with these Sunday charades, even if it does keep him apart from you and your daughter, then i don't know what to suggest. I'm not suggesting that you also start Disney Sundays for her, to 'compensate' but could this be a 'quality time' day for the two of you?

I realise that none of the above is tackling the root of your problem; we're just giving you suggestions for dealing with the symptoms. I never suggest people should leave their marriages, it's a huge thing to do, even in situations where it's the right choice - but assuming you want to stay with him, and unless he changes his stance, all you can do is 'work round' the problem.

Petal02 Mon 25-Nov-13 09:53:58

Quest - you've vanished again! Are you ok?

quest12 Fri 24-Jan-14 23:51:44

Sorry girls I'm self employed an can't afford the internet all the time I'm glad to see all your replies though, the situation is at the moment hubby is still seeing DSS on Sundays going crazy Disney daddy going somewhere nice and then for a meal and telling my dd about it when he gets home, obviously a child's memory is very short and she does ask why she can't go and when I remind her she says did he do that I can't remember, I've said she can go if I'm there to supervise but DSS says his mum says I'm not allowed to be around him because I'm not a nice person. I always thought she would take advantage of a situation like this as she had prev said to me she hated the thought that her son enjoyed coming here and had nice times with us when she doesn't do much with him and so must have thought she looked bad! So when dh has DSS I do nice things with her although I don't have as much money as him and delight in telling him that our daughter is happy just to go the park and ride her bike and doesn't need Disney parenting or cash spent on her. Although there was trouble over Christmas dh seen DSS at his mums Christmas eve DSS goes shopping with his older sister for presents and only got dh one not me or dd, dh came home Christmas eve saying DSS has been crying his eyes out he didn't see dd, I knew this was a lie, but I cud see it got to our dd, so when we went on Christmas day and he was in the kitchen with his dad I said to his mum in front of dd I believe DSS was terribly upset yesterday crying for ages, she said no he had a great time got his presents, I said did he mention me or dd and dd was there listening and she said no he was more interested in his presents didn't even ask about you two, when dh came in DC said dad DSS wasn't crying yesterday why did you lie and he was speechless so my dad does know he's trying to manipulate her. Also may I add our limit for Christmas has always been £250 DSS has known this and always got something accordingly, this year he asked for a Mac book pro. £800 knowing full well dh is in Disney mode and guess what he got it! Can't wait for his birthday as he knows dh will do anything to keep him on side now! I'm fighting a losing battle. Xxx. If you've read all this thanks nice to get it owt xxxx

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 25-Jan-14 02:11:28

Sorry to say this but stick to your guns. Your dd so does not need to be round someone who is emotionally abusive and physically too, stepbrother or not.
I copped SS doing certain mean and nasty things which worried me tbh, these included silly one upmanship things like beating ds on video games making him cry, wrestling and going too far and hurting him, trying out wrestling moves like the tombstone which thankfully I caught before ds had his head cracked off the floor, and SS pushing ds in a trolley (in the seat) into walls hurting his back, and when he thought I wasn't looking he pushed his head sideways so he would bang his head on a display case.
It got to the point I said I didn't want him unsupervised round ds, then didn't improve so I suggested p take him to a hotel/travelodge which p wouldn't do, relented (he didn't hear any discussion so was unaware of hotel plan) and let him stay only to find out he had taken the extra step of beginning to abuse ds sexually, later still found out that he had often done 'things' of a sexual nature to ds, when ds hadn't told me what was happening it had escalated to quite serious abuse just short of penetration sad
Sorry for saying all this but since then I have been told clearly that older siblings use their power, influence and other things to abuse younger siblings not always sexually but still abuse .. Your DH seems unaware of the dynamics of his dc's relationship so do what I was advised to do and disengage. Let DH have contact separate it will at the very least make him do a share of the parenting.
As for Christmas budget, take however much DH spends on dss, add extra to make up for what dss mother spends, and demand your dd has equal amounts spent. Will soon shake his chain.
Oh and he should give you money to take dd out too, the same amount he intends to spend on dss.

lunar1 Sat 25-Jan-14 07:38:26

Your dh sounds like an absolute cunt, I think you need to go back to basics with this and LTB. You have gone from wanting to protect your dd, to point scoring. You shouldn't be having any conversations in front if her about this.

I know your intentions are good but she is being emotionally manipulated by you both. Take a step back and remind yourself what you want for your dd. Is it for you to prove to her and your H that he is a twat or is it to protect her from the situation going on around you.

davidtennantsmistress Sat 25-Jan-14 08:06:14

Agree with luna sorry but your h is a vile dis picante 'man' who blackmails and emotionally manipulated a child, a child, you child. As far as I'm concerned he's the lowest. He should be protecting his daughter.

You can argue at the time things were heated however I'm sorry but this is all your h's doing creating a two tier home. And I come at this with the view of having a ds's my own ds and a joint ds with dp.

I've not seen ds's since last summer when he spent four days and proved himself to be royally spoilt and disgusting to my eldest ds, dp at the time tried to defend dss, however he was told in no uncertain terms if the boys couldn't all get along nicely and my ds not be in tears every time dss wouldn't be welcome in mine and ds's home, especially as my ds idolises his older sibling.

Sometimes you have to do what's right and protect your kids, after all as the mother if we don't do it who will?

Thankfully my dp understands/s and did actually say to dss our house our rules if you don't like it it's fine I'll take you home and you won't stay, but you need to be strong for your dd.

I wonder if you'd put up with a friend clapping in your face and acting quite frankly like well a per-petulant child, because if it was me, until he learnt to treat me with respect I wouldn't have him in my home. It is in my eyes the ultimate in disrespect from a partner to do something like that.

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