My eldest and youngest DSD's seem to only be capable of holding a conversation with me or their Dad to include praise for Mum and it's really getting to me at the moment.
I'm not talking about everyday conversation where they mention things that come up at Mums house mixed in with memories of things they do at ours. They never, ever comment anything positive about our lives with them, have no positive memories at all with us or appear to take much enjoyment from being with us. However, DSD1 is 16 and can choose whether to come to us or not and always does and DSD3 is not distressed by being with us, just likes to remind us how much better it is at Mum's .
I will give you some examples. Xmas presents; Mum buys socks, calendars, books, chocolate. We buy the same as stocking fillers as well as a main present usually costing around £100 - £200. When we have visitors who ask them what they got for Xmas, they never mention anything we have got them. DSD3 will literally tell me 15 times in a day about her Xmas presents from Mum.
DSD1 does a lot of "reminiscing" with her Dad about things that happened when DP was with her Mum. I have read in Wednesday Martins book that teens do this to deliberately push out the step mum.
For months I heard all about how they were all saving and buying Mum and her boyfriend lots of little xmas presents, all thoughtful surprise presents. DP and I present had to be handed to them in the shop near to Xmas as they had not shown any interest in getting anything for us.
Holidays and days out. Kids can't say anything positive about any that we have had despite us being the first to take them abroad, in a hotel, on a plane, to theme parks. Even when I have sat and done arts and crafts, played boards games, I am constantly told how much better the arts and crafts are at Mums, how Dad doesn't do it right, how the board games are "different" at ours despite being exactly the same, albeit with different packaging on the box perhaps. They claim to love playing board games at Mums, but whinge and moan at ours!
Our relate counsellor thought that the kids probably did this at Mums in reverse but I don't think so at all.
Dp is now great at acknowledging his kids doing this and can see it for what it is, but I'm not sure he can do anything about it. Can you really demand that they enjoy things with us and show it? I know they DO enjoy times with us but I think they feel guilty and feel disloyal to Mum who actually isn't the best Mum in the world. DP could buy them less for Xmas and stop taking them on holiday, for days out, but of course, holidays etc are not just for them, they are for him too.
I want them to love their Mum and enjoy their lives with her (DSD2 didn't and moved in with us, which is not ideal for me!) but i also would like to see some acknowledgement of our contribution too. They have a life with Mum and with Dad, but despite spending a third of their lives with us, they manage to dismiss Dad as a "weekend Dad" (I have heard them say it).
I do a lot of detaching and don't put myself "out" for the DSC if I can help it because I don't want to feel resentful when i get little back, as is the nature of step parenting according to Wednesday Martin. But it is getting to the point where I am deliberately avoiding any conversation with them because of this. the eldest is also contrary and argumentative and I have never seen any of my DSC show any emotion of any kind. They have a superior attitude (as is the case with teens anyway!) but I have never seen them cry or get upset or frustrated, they are quick to boast but not quick to acknowledge any faults in themselves, often lying to cover up any "weaknesses" in themselves. Talking to them is about listening to their boasts, or about how wonderful Mum is, they have no interest in anyone's opinion but their own (or their Mums!).
Sigh, I'm having a bad day. I've been doing so well and been feeling supported by DP but it's almost laughable sometimes the way they carry on and although acknowledgement is great from DP, I'm not sure it's enough?
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13 replies
theredhen · 08/01/2013 12:38
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NatashaBee ·
08/01/2013 16:30
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Hesterton ·
19/01/2013 08:07
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