Sick of adult SCs being so needy and entitled

(58 Posts)
sudaname Sat 29-Dec-12 20:41:33

Right - had enough now - and guess what the last straw was that broke the camels back - a 3amp fuse for a plughmm. I mean he (adult SS) actually lives down the road from a diy store and actually drove past a little local diy shop to call in on daddy to get one off him. He actually texted first to check he had one and he wasnt just wanting to visit anyway for a chat or anything iyswim cos he said he couldnt stop. Last week it was a small philips screwdriver and DH sent him away with a selection as he wanted one quite small. He came back again that time too to ask for another one as they werent right - did he bring first lot back - did he fuck no!
Disclaimers now - he drives and has a well paid job and pays regular visits just to see his dad seperate from these 'B&Q' visits as l call them.
DH is a builder so son knows his dad will always have most things you can think of in the diy dept. l cant talk to DH about it cos he gets defensive - the most l can get away with is the odd sarky comment about having the B&Q sign removed etc. But he and his son just laugh

The other adult SS treats his dad like a cashpoint - £40. £50 here and there - even up to a £100 recently. Never pays him back and a third pay day has just gone past when he's said he would repay £50 and nothing. DH again just gets defensive so l can only say so much. Last month at a relatives house l had nagged him into bringing it up and he said 'you owe me some money btw' and SS said 'yeah l know l'll pay you some back when l get paid on 15th' 15th came and went - no mention. But SS did come round specially to get his Christmas present (we had gone away but he asked especially to have them left somewhere for him so he wouldnt have to wait till we came back ) - £50 worth of vouchers for a computer chain. Disclaimers - he too can drive and has good well paid job and no family etc to support.

Is it me or would you if your son owed you over £150 give him £50 for Christmas or just write off part of the debt? That's what l did last year when my son was buying my car off me - l just sent him a card and wrote off two £50 repayments for his birthday and then for Xmas. He was happy with that and wouldnt have taken money off me when he owed me money.

I just feel like we cant have anything - DH bought me a quite expensive piece of jewellry for Xmas and told me to say to his family that he'd saved up for it (WTAF?) It's like he doesnt want them to know mean daddy has some money and he's not sharing it with us - boo-hoo. We recently bought a few new kitchen appliances and SS1 commented - have you two won the lottery or something ?? I feel we cant have a joint bank account because l would go apeshit if he drew some out to 'lend' SS2. We were recently going to buy a carpet shampooer/vacuum but l 'changed my mind' after SS1 had already booked it before even bought.

Sorry am just rambling now and l dont hold out much hope for changing my DHs What's mine is theirs' attitude or their entitled attitude so dont know what any of you can suggest really.

mumandboys123 Sun 30-Dec-12 17:31:00

sounds like a normal family to me and I'm not sure that any parent 'lends' money to their children with the expectation that they will see it again. I think most parents like to help out - some have less to lose than others, I guess, and others are perhaps cleverer in the way that they lend so it is clearly seen as a loan and not a 'loan' IYSWIM.

If your husband is lying to you, it's him that you need to tackle, not your step son. Sorry.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo Sun 30-Dec-12 17:35:36

I think it all sounds pretty normal, I probably wouldn't take your DHs approach but his is fairly common

Petal02 Sun 30-Dec-12 18:03:39

I remember the poster whose adult stepson used to arrive on a Sunday morning, with his wife and numerous children in tow, to have baths. I took up the best part of the day, and used to mean the OP and her DH couldn't go out for the day on Sundays.

I don't think it was Suda who posted about it - however knowing the history of Suda's DSS, it's exactly the sort of stunt he'd pull, and his Dad would let him get away with it!

sudaname Sun 30-Dec-12 20:15:53

Hiya Petal smile. No twasnt moi -or 'HWSBM' they havent any DCs for one but youre right about last bit. My DH would probably chuck me out the bath if he turned up for one ! confused

grin - grim times for me but we had some laughs though.

Bonsoir Mon 31-Dec-12 08:50:10

That's what families are for. You seem to be very resentful of the nice relationship your H has with his son.

Mosman Mon 31-Dec-12 08:59:39

I have adult brothers who when they ask to lend anything I consider I will never see it again and make the decision to lend accordingly.

AmberLeaf Mon 31-Dec-12 09:04:05

The tool thing is very normal.

I agree with whoever said about the storage thing!

The money thing is different, but, that is down to your DH as he has made it so they feel they can ask him. can he afford it?

If it impacts on family finances then its a problem, but if your DH can afford to do it, its up to him?

sudaname Tue 01-Jan-13 15:40:38

Bonsoir - l dont think constantly 'borrowing' money off your father even though you have a good job yourself and have no family commitments and very low outgoings but just want to live outside your means and telling him you are definitely going to pay him back when you have no intention of doing is enabling dishonesty and encouraging entitlement. Nothing 'nice' about that imo.
As for 'his nice relationship with his son' - as l have already said SS never ever comes near - ever - and l am not exaggerating - unless he wants something , usually money and l'm not talking about a tenner here a tenner there - l am talking about £30 to £50 minimum - owes him in the hundreds for last few months alone. His dad is constantly asking him to come round for tea or come for a drink or whatever but he always has an excuse.
I hate seeing the man l love having the piss taken out of him constantly - he was even asked by his son to put on a football bet for him cos son was at work and couldnt put it on. The stake totalled £30 (an accumulator type bet over the period of a football tournament) and of course next few times they spoke it wasnt mentioned. l was especially furious as he had borrowed money FOR A BET and when his dad casually mentioned it in our kitchen - months after the tournament had finished he actually got all arsey with his dad and called him a 'tight wad' and said 'ok ok you'll get your money dont worry' etc. Still waiting !
I just think the whole thing isnt healthy and his dad would serve him much better by not making it so readily available for him thereby forcing him to deal with whatever debts/problems he has. For example he keeps getting payday/very high interest loans etc - his dad knows this from the type of mail son received when he lived with us and he admitted it . Also as previously mentioned if he gets a £30 parking ticket for example he just ignores it till it escalates into hundreds or whatever.
Also it has a knock on effect on our finances/lifestyle as l've said where money earmarked for something for our house or whatever suddnely vanishes into this black hole.
But l'm just a wicked stepmother apparently. hmm

sudaname Tue 01-Jan-13 15:48:23

'I think' not 'l dont think'. Sorry.

sudaname Tue 01-Jan-13 16:12:02

Notadisneymum l could have written your post. It can actually split a couple up cant it, l can well imagine. l want financial independence from our adult families but practically have to count these 'loans' as a regular outgoing from our household so as stated l cant even have joint savings for anything or joint finances as a married couple as l know where a lot of it would end up going !
l recently had a bit of a windfall from a relative and l would have loved nothing more than to have shared it 50/50 with my lovely DH but there is no way l could have watched his son closing in on him with some conveniently timed 'crisis'. lnstead l just booked us a break and spent some money on our home on something mainly for DHs benefit.
Disclaimer - would have been fine with and fully expected DH to 'treat' his DCs - but trust me he would have been hit for more and wouldnt have got it back.

AmberLeaf Tue 01-Jan-13 16:36:28

I can see why it bothers you so much about the money, but don't you see it as a situation of your husbands creation?

He has made it that way.

It's like a grown up version of Disney parenting!

allnewtaketwo Tue 01-Jan-13 16:59:44

Yes it probably does happen in non step families, but at least that is of BOTH adults making. But in a step situation, the SP probably saw it coming a mile off, yet could either say nothing, or not be listened to (as parents tend to want to hear no I'll of their children from a non-parent, and are very protective of the children if the separated family). That makes it doubly frustrating for the SP. OP I feel your pain

sudaname Tue 01-Jan-13 23:01:04

Thank you Allnew that's it exactly. As said before l sometimes feel as though everything in our home and all our finances are communal. Whereas as you so eloquently explain - if they were 'our' adult children l would have a voice. As it is l am just badmouthing his son, whereas if it were our son it would be motherly concern ! I would categorically say 'No' we dont just 'lend' him more money without question. We sit down with him and help him get his debts sorted out - l even offered after my little windfall that if SS handed over all his debt collector/fines letters etc over and wrote a letter of permission for me to deal with them all on his behalf l would get it all sorted for him - make offers of settlement etc, see what debts l could get reduced or even written off for him and then he could pay me back without interest, which would save him a fortune, then he would have a fresh start.I have a background in the financial industry so know how to deal with all this.

But he wouldnt hear of it cos he knows l unlike his dad would insist on being paid back he would rather just keep getting hassle free money off his dad.

Amberleaf yes sure l do - l think l said as much a while back that l know it's my DHs fault to a large degree for not wanting to ask for things or money back. His sons have obviously caught on to this and become entitled.
But l dont accept that the son who keeps scrounging for the money is blameless, the other son l can now see should get benefit of the doubt that if his dad asked for tools etc back he would l'm sure return them. I accept now this is just normal among families and although annoying at times not worth getting stressed about. He could also keep hitting on his dad for money aswell and l know he would get it - but he doesnt so at least he is independant financially.

But the other son as an adult and intelligent enough must know that if you borrow money you should pay it back and to keep borrowing it with no intention of paying it back because it's someone who you know loves you and wont like to ask for it back , then when they do you simply lie to them or guilt trip them to fob them off. That is exploitatative and dishonest and selfish. He also is very aware of my feelings and the problems it causes between me and his dad. But he really doesnt care if he is causing problems between a husband and wife, which again l think is selfish and immoral and he just carries on regardless. Sorry but l cant accept this is all my DHs doing but l do know what you mean. I will at least concede that DH 'created the monster'.

FrameyMcFrame Wed 02-Jan-13 00:24:23

I don't see the problem tbh. If I had to pay my parents back all the money they have 'lent' me over the years I would be bankrupt. They wouldn't ask for it back anyway!
This is what being a parent of adult kids is like, being there when you are needed. He sounds like a good dad to me

FrameyMcFrame Wed 02-Jan-13 00:26:15

Scarletwoman, I remember that thread about the step kids coming round for a bath at an inconvenient time grin

allnewtaketwo Wed 02-Jan-13 06:05:36

No, being a parent is supporting your children WHILST encouraging them to be able to live independently. Encouraging consistent dependency into adulthood is more about the parents making themselves feel better IMO (unless the family is mega rich and no-one in it will ever need to fend for themselves)

catsmother Wed 02-Jan-13 07:46:08

The very few times in my life I have asked my parents to lend me money I have approached them honestly about it, and have always suggested a repayment plan at the same time. At that point my parents could have refused of course, or indeed, could have offered to give me the money if they so wished. Instead, they have lent me money on the understanding that it would be paid back - as indeed it was, as promised.

To ask for a "loan", with no intention of paying it back is terribly wrong and a complete piss take. As I said, at that point, parents who want to help out with a gift instead of a loan have ample opportunity to say so right there and then. The fact that they later "don't ask" for it back probably has a lot more to do with family politics - fear of causing a row, fear of losing contact (yes, even with "adult" children) - than being able to write off the money lent. After all, even if circumstances change and parents decide they don't want a loan repaid after all - why not just come right out and say so ?

I'm sure the adult son referred to in this post knows - for whatever reason - his father is somehow scared to raise the issue and/or to demand repayment with any real conviction, and is taking full advantage of this. As is anyone else who goes to a parent for a "loan" they don't plan to pay back.

Yes - the father is enabling the situation by not being more sensible and assertive but good god at what age exactly are "adult" children also expected to take at least some responsibility for doing something which is wrong ? Just because you can get away with doing something unacceptable doesn't make it right does it ? It's akin to shoplifting when the shopkeeper's out the back in a little shop with no CCTV - you get away with it because the shopkeeper hasn't protected themselves with decent security and/or a staff member on the floor at all times - but it's still bloody wrong! The father must obviously accept some of the blame for what's going on but so should this "child".

And absolutely this is the OP's business ... unless they are both mega rich with completely independent finances where this constant haemmorage wouldn't make any difference, then these regular "loans" (ha ha) are bound to have an effect on the household sooner or later. In effect the OP then also ends up subsidising this irresponsible leech if she has to stump up her DH's share for things he can no longer afford to contribute fairly to. That would make me beyond mad - especially when it's not discussed and agreed with her - and particularly when this money isn't even for genuine emergencies or problems - which most people would be symapthetic to ... but for ridiculous fripperies - like bets FFS, and enhanced fines because the lazy little sod has buried his head in the sand and allowed penalties to accrue. What a bloody wicked waste of money. Even if DH was mega rich I'd still feel upset he was being taken for a ride - and however rich you are there's never any excuse (bar hospitalisation or similar) for recklessly creating more debt - repeatedly - through a stupid failure to deal with the situation asap. Something which the OP has offered to help him with (i.e. money management) BTW - which has been rejected. That money going down the drain needlessly like that - because this boy-man is selfish, entitled, and irresponsible - would really upset me ..... not only because it was impacting on my household but because it could have so easily been avoided. I'd rather see that money go to charity and do some good then see it go to the local council in fines.

The answer of course is - unless this boy-man finds a conscience - is for DH to say NO. Something is preventing him from doing this - the OP mentions fear of upsetting him. But quite obviously upsetting your wife is okay - and preferrable to putting a rocket up your adult child who's created most of the mess he's got himself into and refused all offers of help to deal with finances better. Suda - I really feel for you.

allnewtaketwo Wed 02-Jan-13 08:06:00

catsmother - as always, very well put!

Herrena Wed 02-Jan-13 08:26:12

OP, have you ever considered that maybe your DH keeps supplying SS with money simply because he knows that's the only way he will ever get to spend time with his son? That would explain why he's willing to let this unfair situation continue.

Petal02 Wed 02-Jan-13 09:30:44

Excellent post, Catsmother! Suda, you have my total sympathy.

Petal02 Wed 02-Jan-13 09:32:56

PS - what will Suda's stepson do if/when his father's money runs out? He'll be completely stuck because managing money is a basic life skill, which he's never been taught. Suda's DH is actually doing him a huge disservice.

NotaDisneyMum Wed 02-Jan-13 13:16:42

DCs take into adulthood the lessons they are taught as children.

Suda - your DSS has been taught that the 'bank of daddy' is never closed. He won't suddenly 'grow up' and realise that's not how he should treat his Dad - for him, this is normal - because its what he's been taught through words and actions as he's been growing up.

Even some people on this thread think its OK to repeatedly borrow off parents with no intention of repayment - so why would your DSS think differently when its been like this his whole life?

sudaname Wed 02-Jan-13 13:21:51

Thank you so much Catsmother on the nail. And Peta and Allnew,
Herrena you may well have something there as l am absolutely sure if 'D' SS never wanted anything DH would never see him for dust once he left home. Experience since he left has proven this over and over. l just feel so sad for DH as well as it being a bloody nuisance to me.

sudaname Wed 02-Jan-13 13:26:20

Notadisneymum because he is in his late twenties and doesnt live in a bubble. You only have to watch a few American soaps or whatever to grasp there are some basic morals in life. If one of my SSs mates then kept 'borrowing' money off him when out at night or whatever and never paying it back/fobbing him off - l bet he'd have a lightbulb moment then wouldnt he - and bollock his mate or refuse to lend him anymore !!

sudaname Wed 02-Jan-13 13:28:32

know what that random 'then' is for after 'SSs mates' confused

Ignore !

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