SC and Christmas

[Xalla]

Ladies, please can I get your opinions on what you do about Christmas gifts on the years that SC are not with you?

I have an almost 7yr old DSD, a just 4 yr old DS and and a 21 months old DD. My DH has a 50 / 50 shared care arrangement for my DSD and she alternates who she spends Xmas with. This year she's with her Mum.

Previously on the years she hasn't been with us we've quite literally had a second Christmas - waking up to stockings, unwrapping gifts, sitting down for a full Christmas dinner etc. The last time we did it was 2 years ago when my step-daughter was 4, my son was just 2 and my daughter hadn't been born. My son was so young he didn't really understand the concept of how Father Christmas comes down the chimney on Xmas Eve etc and stupidly, I didn't think at the time that I was setting a precedent in my DSD's mind.

Last year, when we had her for Christmas I know her Mum didn't do my DSD a stocking and she gave her her presents before she came to us, a week before Christmas. I don't think there was a Christmas dinner either.

The problem is this year my DSD has been bragging to my DS that she's going to have 2 stockings, Father Christmas will visit her twice etc and that she basically gets two Christmases.

I've always been quite hung up on making sure my DSD gets treated the same as her siblings when she's here but now I've got a bit of a dilemma - it isn't really fair on the other two if she gets two of everything is it?! I think we're going to say that Father Christmas only goes to the house where she's sleeping on Christmas Eve so that's where he'll leave her stocking. Obviously she'll still get pressies from us and the rest of our families but I'm thinking we'll leave them on her bed for when she comes to us on the 27th Dec.

Are there any other step-mummies in a similar situation that could share with me how they deal with Father Christmas and step-children?!!

Terrible, terrible thing to say but it will be easier when they realise he doesn't actually exist !!

[purpleroses]

We have a siimilar situation, except the DSC are with DP every year, but their mum does a full on "Christmas" for them some other day over the holidays. I have my DC too, and although they go to their dad's for a bit of the holidays he doesn't do Christams at all really - just gives them presents.

Given that we have them when it acutally is Christmas, I think we will do stockings, etc for everyone but we are facing problmes, like you, of the DSC bragging that they get two stockings. I'm toying with whether we should make stockings similar for everyone, or acknowledge that my DCs get more, because that's the only one they get. I'm also going to ask DSC3 not to brag about the extra stocking (DSC1 and 2 don't tend to brag, and asking DSC4 not to brag will probably just draw his attention to this as a great way to wind my DD up....)

In your situation though, when they're not actually with you for Christmas day, why would you do a stocking for your DSD? You'd be giving her it when it's not actually Christmas, knowing that she's had one already, and you're not going to give a second one to your DCs?

Why not just have a family meal (whatever everyone actually likes best, not nec Turkey), pull crackers and give each other presents? If you have various stocking-type presents you want to give to DSD, then you could make her up a box/hamper as her main present that includes those things as well as her main present. I think your younger DCs would accept that much more easily, and you could always have a quiet word with her about why you're doing it and point out that as the younger ones actually believe in Santa, you can't go telling them that he comes to some children twice but not others.

[Xalla]

Thanks Purple.

I think that's pretty much what we'll start doing - having my in-laws over for a meal and doing crackers etc. Then all the kids in the family could give each other their gifts then, before actual Christmas day. It's a Christmassy celebration that DSD can be a part of without it actually being 'in her honour' as it were.

I just had a chat with my sis-in-law and she seemed to think it was a good idea as my DH's family is huge so loads of cousins and the kids end up being overwhelmed with presents on Xmas Day. Good to get the family gift opening done separately so it's just Santa that delivers on the 25th! It also works because everyone can be there when the gifts they're giving are opened, grandparents can see the kids faces etc.

That way DSD can be part of that every year and just 'do Christmas' once with whatever parent she's spending it with.

Explaining to her won't help - she loves winding DS up - big jealousy issues! I don't want to make her 'special' because we've done it in the past and it's just resulted in spoiled / entitled behaviour and the aforementioned bragging.

[teenybluemoon]

xella I think if your DSD still believes in Santa, and Santa is the one who has brought her presents and stocking to your house in the past, it's only fair that you leave it like that, at least in till she no longer believes in him. You will cause a lot of upset and confusion. if you try and explain to a seven year old why Santa used to bring her stockings and presents to both mum and dads house but now only brings them to daddys for her siblings. Revisit the subject again in a couple of years when she's old enough to understand.

purpleroses That's not fair. You treat the children differently just because your ex celebrates Christmas differently then your DSC mother. If you can bring it up with your ex, do so, but don't, especially when your children get two Christmas as well, try and deprive your stepchildren in the name of being 'fair'? there is nothing fair about your ex influencing what your DSC get for Christmas.

[purpleroses]

Teeny - I think you've misunderstood, my DCs don't get two Christmases, only the DSC do. I'm not trying to alter this, but simply considering that mine might get more things in their stockings, because they only get one stocking each - I should add that our DCs are all old enough not to belive in Santa, so they'd be able to understand why this is. I often shove quite a few items of clothing, etc in their stockings, which I'd buy them anyway, but wouldn't tend to do that for the DSC as it's their mum who buys their clothes (and she's probably doing that already in the stockings she gives them)

xella - Does 7 year old DSD still believe in Santa? Most DCs have figured it out by 7 I would have thought - though some play along and pretend to belive - her mum might be able to tell you if you're unsure. I think your plan sounds like a good on. Whatever happened when she last had Christmas at her mum's was 2 years ago which is a long time in the life of a 7 year old, so as long as you explain to her what's happening and why, I think she'd be fine with it.

[purpleroses]

Re bragging - yes the DC I'm thinking of asking not to brag is 12. The 10 year old would be just like your DSD and would only do it more to wind my DD up if asked not to.

[Xalla]

No, I don't think she does really. I think Xmas is all about the presents and less about the magic this year for DSD

[SnowWhiteWinter]

We have considered this too. MY DSD's will have two Christmas days, two stockings and two lots of presents. They will get much more than my own DC because of this. They are very young though and not really old enough to "brag". I guess when they are older we are just going to make sure that DSC and my DC all have roughly the same presents whilst at our house on Xmas morning and it's just tough for my DC that the DSD's get two Christmases and two lots of presents just the way things are I guess and my DC will have to get used to it. Just the same as DSD's sometimes miss out on things we do whilst they are at their mums.

[Xalla]

Well on the plus side DSD's Mum doesn't do stockings etc on the years when she's here so it was only us doing two Christmasses... We're falling into line with what Mum does so that will be consistent from now on. DH discussed it with Mum this morning and she agreed with the "Santa only stops where you sleep on Xmas Eve" tack.
DSD's behaviour has left a lot to be desired recently and none of us want her thinking she's got one over her siblings / friends at Christmas.

[ladydeedy]

well it's just reality though isnt it that DSCs do tend to get two of everything. Two homes, two bedrooms, two lots of birthday presents, etc. Often two nice holidays. I remember overhearing my DSCs say that at a young age to a friend of theirs whose parents were divorcing and they were like, oh no, it's fine - you get two holidays and stuff!!
I think though if Christmas day is not spent with you, then you dont need to repeat a full-on Christmas - just a few presents before or after, and a nice meal.

[pecans]

When dss was young we did stockings on whatever day he came. When I had dd1 we still did it on the first Christmas because she was a baby. Her second Christmas he was with us, and on the third Christmas, we had Christmas day with my dd and then he came back to a pile of gifts.

We have never done two Christmas dinners etc because neither dp or I want to. I don't think dc need this, and it makes Christmas less special. But what we do do is have presents to open and something treat-like to mark the festive season - usually going out for pizza.

I am a dsd as well as a SM, and I never wanted two Christmases - what I did want is some excitement (and presents) at my dad's - which I got. Have happy memories.

[PoppyPrincess]

I'm a little confused here because what you need to remember is that Santa doesn't exist, the presents aren't off him they're off you so DSD should get the same from you as your other DC. Yes that means she gets twice as much but that's probably the only advantage of your parents being separated.
I would put her presents under the tree on Xmas eve and tell your DS that Santa mustn't have known DSD was at her Mum's and just keep them there till she visits. I doubt that your DS will really be thinking about what DSD will have at her Mum's.
I agree you don't really need to do a full on Xmas for her, my mum used to do it for me on the years she didn't have me but it was just the 2 of us.

[Xalla]

She'll get the same amount spent on her Poppy. It was the stocking thing I was getting worked up about - Santa putting stockings on the the end of their beds. SH has bought her a new bag for school so we're going to use that as a 'stocking' this year and we'll come up with other solutions for other years.

DS won't give a thought to what she gets at Mums house until DSD makes a point of telling him; which she will invariably do as spitefully as she possibly can. We're having a 'tricky phase' with my DSD atm...

[Xalla]

DH not SH...!

[PoppyPrincess]

Sorry I don't really see the relevance of a stocking but maybe that's because it's not something that we really did/do in my family, in fact I don't think I know anybody who does stockings...I mean we put presents under the tree and some will be in a stocking but it's not a significant thing. Maybe it's a regional thing? I'm from up north

[Xalla]

Maybe it does come down to traditions in the end. My DH and I both grew up with our parents sneaking into our rooms on Christmas Eve once we were asleep and hanging our stockings on the ends of our beds hence it's a tradition we've continued. SD's Mum does the same.

We're all from the South-West...

[ChocHobNob]

We just say Santa leaves SD's presents here with her brother's when he comes on Christmas Eve and they are left here until SD comes to us. We don't do the whole two Christmas Days because we have children at home too and it would be very confusing.