How do I successfully detach?

[HKnight]

DH collected DSS (11yrs) last night from new drop off point successfully agreed via solicitor (no more 100pct legwork for DH). His EX turns up with her new husband who has previously threatened DH. He's sat in the car smoking whilst DSS with asthma sat in back. DH ignores him, tries not to show he's got to him. When DSS goes over to DH, he shouts at DSS, 'have a good weekend son'. This cripples DH who then texts me all the way home on the train in bits.

Then when having dinner DH asks if he's got a new bed yet? Apparantly 3 yrs ago when he got kicked out it was broken and the mattress is lumpy and needed replacing, but what with her affair and divorce never got replaced. DSS then says no, its not so bad he's used to it, but then says its uncomfortable and hates it.

My DH pays his Ex 400 quid a month, who runs her own successful business and also works can't buy her son a new bed. But did give her new hubbie 11K within months of meeting him, had a fancy wedding 3 months ago(DSS showed us the pics) and had a foreign honeymoon. She now says she can't do mediation (over christmas and school hols contact) cos she can't afford it!! I said to DH perhaps we should buy him a bed, but he refuses says we need the money to move to a bigger home, besides I find out that DSS told DH last night that he needs new school shoes and his mum says its DH turn to buy them. I've seen them they have holes in the heels, he walks to school in them! But isn't that what maintenance is for? And why wait until they are in that state?

I know I've got to detach, but how? DSS adores his baby sister and I feel she needs to grow up with some meaningful time with her brother.

Before I had my baby girl I could sort of let it go but now I feel I have to fight for her to see him, and make sure he doesn't go off the rails like his elder half brother did.

Tips please!

[Kaluki]

This is going to sound harsh but you have to concentrate on your own dd and leave the things concerning your DSS to your DH and his ex.
I have got myself into a state many times (often on MN) about my DSCs and how they are being dragged bought up by I have had to realise that these things aren't my responsibility. My responsibility is to my own dc and things which affect them and if my DP and his ex can't agree then nothing I say or do will make any difference to anyone and just stresses me out and causes more stress for DP.
I know it is hard - I still struggle now when I see my dsc arrive in filthy worn out clothes that are too small for them when their Mum has just bought a brand new car and announced that she is planning a holiday to Florida next summer.
Nothing I do or say makes a jot of difference so I just shrug my shoulders and let them get on with it.

[NotaDisneyMum]

Detaching need not mean that your DD misses out on a relationship with her DB.

In your case, it is emotional detachment you are seeking to achieve - a state of mind that accepts that the circumstances that your DSS lives in are out of your control, and that you cannot influence them in any way.

I achieved this after a while, and it does take time. One thing we had to do was that my DP had to seek support from elsewhere - so instead of texting me when he was upset/angry, he arranged an alternative support network including counselling sessions.

For a variety of reasons, I have recently re-engaged emotionally - but the are still some issues that I set to one side and can leave to DP to deal with if I feel myself getting wound up/stressed by them.

[HKnight]

These are all very good advice, but unfortunately I just lost it a little bit, DSS has handed us his school uniform to wash for monday morning (we drop him off tomorrow at 4pm). We don't have a tumble dryer, and it'll never be dry in time. I basically called her rude for not even asking if I could do it. He's been coming here 3 yrs and never been expected to before. Made DH text her to tell her if she needs help with anything to ask him not get DSS to ask. Anyway we're sending it back unwashed as he has a spare.

I think this is all her winding us up because we're now making her meet us a 10th of the way for drop off / collection.

MUST NOT GET WOUND UP!

[NotaDisneyMum]

Why would she ask you if you could do it?

Look at it from her perspective -

If your DP expects you to be responsible for your DSC laundry, then that is between you - she has merely continued to treat her ex (your DP) in a way that effectively got her what she wanted in the past. If it doesn't work this time, then something has changed and that something is you!

Hard though it is, you need to leave this to your DP, and if he doesn't know that school uniform won't dry in 24 hours, so goes along with his ex's demands, then he'll have time to learn as he watches it go round in the launderette dryer

Detaching means its not your problem

[HKnight]

NADM - I wrote a huge moan and then rethought what you put. I suppose you're right and will TRY VERY HARD next time not to get het up and shrug my shoulders at DH and go do something interesting with DD instead!

[NotaDisneyMum]

It's not easy - there have been many times that I've ranted and got het up - only to think it through later and realise that I've created my own stress