To go or not to go?

[PoppyPrincess]

DP is seeing a solicitor this afternoon about access to his children and I can't decide whether to go or not.
As I've said in a recent thread I am suffering with PND and the stress surrounding his ex and the kids isn't doing me much good so don't know whether to leave DP to fight his own battles.
But I would like to be the supportive partner as its something that is affecting our every day lives plus he is always been very supportive whenever I've got problems.
So do I politely tell him I don't want to get involved in an attempt to detach from the situation or do I be the supportive partner?

[Lookingatclouds]

What would he like you to do? You can be supportive without actually going with him. Presumably you wouldn't be going into the appointment with him, so there's little you can do if you went. I think there's a difference too between detaching and not getting involved. You can detach from wanting a specific outcome or specific action to be taken. That is very much down to him and how things pan out, but you can be there to discuss everything with him and give him an opportunity to talk through how he is feeling. That to me would be far more important than someone accompanying me to an appointment.

[PoppyPrincess]

I think he would like me to go although his mum is going too so he wouldn't be alone.
He was asking me last night about what we want to say we want, when we want them etc and I just told him that's up to him, I don't want him to end up with an arrangement that he's not happy with and blame me for it, but I do see his point that it needs to fit in with the rest of the family.
I think today is more about finding out where he stands legally and what the procedure is rather than making any final decisions about how much he wants them etc.
he is pretty crap at remembering things so maybe it would be best if I went.

[HKnight]

Hi PoppyPrincess, I don't think you should go if you think it will really upset or stress you out. You've got to be in the right frame of mind. I've been with DP to the sols and he found me being there really helpful but I found it hard to detach and also be supportive. Especially if you have a baby (as do I) and recovering from PND. Why not have him write a list of questions talk through them together and then he can go through them with the sols and maybe his mum can take notes? That way at least if his mind goes blank he knows what he's supposed to be asking and won't miss important points either.

[Lookingatclouds]

I think for this one he'll be fine if his mum is going as well. And yes, I'd agree about writing a list of questions and taking notes. This isn't your issue to sort out, so it's a case of finding that balance between not putting too much pressure on yourself by doing things for him and being supportive. Very wise too to leave the decision up to him. It's important that you are involved in the decision making process and discussions around that, but the final decision is definitely his.

[purpleroses]

I wouldn't go if you don't really want to, it'll cause you stress, and he's already got someone with him.

In your situation though I think I would talk a bit more about what you both want in terms of access/residency. Yes, you're right you want him to be happy with whatever he puts forward, and you don't want him blaming you for signing up to something that's not what he wants.

But also you don't want to be feeling resentful at him if he puts forward some suggestion that doesn't take your needs (and the baby's) into account. You say he's asking you what you want, so take the chance to talk about how it would work with whatever he's suggesting. You do have a right to have your voice heard.

[timeforachangebaby]

Dont go, dont get involved, stay out of it as much as possible for the sake of your sanity and your baby, if you already have PND, getting involved in a court battle over access is the last thing you need.