Our poor poor girl

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

DSD has been with us this week and has been a bit out of sorts. She finally told us tonight what is bothering her. He Mum has told her that she is planning to go to Barbados on holiday at the start of next year with her bf. From what I understand she has a family member who lives out there to stay with. When she asked if she was going too her Mum said that she couldn't afford for her to go as well.

This is just the latest in a long line of issues where her Mum seems to be putting herself first. DSD is very upset. Neither DH or I can think of a single thing to say to DSD to make it better other than she will be staying with us and we will have a lovely time.

[Greensleeves]

It's not that drastic for a mother to go on holiday without her child, is it? Presumably your DSD isn't a breastfed baby?

Obviously I don't know the background.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

In isolation I agree Greensleeves.

Since I have been around (6 years) she has been to Barbados alone for 2 weeks giving 3 days notice.

Threatened to leave her in France for a month with a distant relative (in DSDs earshot) if we didn't cancel our holiday so she could go away for a weekend with her previous bf.

Called us on many Friday afternoons saying we needed to collect DSD from nursery/school as she had to go away for the weekend.

Moved 2 partners in whilst DSD was with us so DSD returned from our place to find them in situ with no prior notice it was happening.

Called DH every name under the sun in front of DSD, including screaming in her face that 'your daddy is a fucking idiotic cunt'.

Went to India for 2 weeks with very little notice for DSD or us this year.

It's a horrible pattern which DSD seems to be getting acutely aware of. Putting either herself or her partners ahead of DSD.

[Greensleeves]

ok....that changes things a bit! Poor little love

I think the only thing you can usefully do is what you are doing - provide a safe, consistent home where she feels valued and secure. It won't be long before she is able to make more choices about where she spends her time and where she gets love and support when she needs it. You can't change her mother, but you can provide a decent alternative.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Thanks Greensleeves that's what we thought. I just wish there was more we could do but we can't change how she acts.

Maybe once she gets to secondary school and can vote with her feet it will be easier.

[Uppermid]

How old is dsd?

[exoticfruits]

I agree with Greensleeves- it will get easier as she gets older but sadly for DSD her relationship with her mother is never going to be as she wants but you can't fix that for her.

[NorthernNobody]

It sounds like being a NRP would suit Mum's lifestyle far more.
Presumably DSD is with mum because mum gets maintenance?
Putting this child first ...what would she want? Has she said ?

Anyway of putting adults personal issues and motivators aside so that DD gets what she wants without a huge fight

[lisad123]

How old is dsd?
Poor love sounds very upset and mum sounds very selfish.
Could she live with you? Sounds like life is unstable at mums with all these boyfriends coming and going

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

DSD is 8 nearly 9. We have joint residency, week on week off and much as she complains about it DH doesn't pay maintenance. He did when DSD spent the majority of time at her Mum's.

She's asking to come and live with us but there is no way it will happen without a huge fight. DH already stands accused of only having joint residency to punish his ex We just want DSD to be happy, if things were different and she said she wanted to live with her Mum more then we'd be upset but accept it. We don't have £10k for a court battle and also don't want to put DSD through that.

If anyone had an answer we'd be really grateful :(

[lisad123]

Are you sure she wouldn't agree considering how she seems to prefer the boyfriends and holidays over her dd?

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

We know she won't. We did try about a year ago when DSD was really unhappy before. She said that we were manipulating DSD and that she wasn't unhappy at all. That we should mind our own business as her life has nothing to do with us, which until it starts affecting DSD it isn't.

We couldn't even suggest mediation as that is just another way for DH to bully her. When they went years ago to agree residency she didn't have a better argument than 'I'm her Mum' so the mediators suggested JR would be a good idea to try. She kicked a bin and stormed out.

[colditz]

Soon she will be of an age where she can choose. Poor little girl.

[lisad123]

Does she go to same school on her week on and off. It sounds like a lot of stress for such a little one but not much you can do right now. Just keep providing her with her stable home and she will vote with her feet when she's older.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Yes she does, its the same school as my bio dc. They recently moved across our city and it takes an hour to get there so it probably won't be long before her Mum tries to move her to another school again :(

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

It's just so upsetting and frustrating to see our girl so unhappy knowing that there isn't anything really we can do other than reassure her that we love and want her.