A little perspective needed and some support, please

[Grockle]

Right, I'm new to this and its all been ok but I this weekend was hard.

I live with DS(5), DP lives elsewhere and has 2 teenage DSs who he doesn't see very much of (difficulties with their mother) and 2 little ones who he sees twice a week and every other weekend. This weekend DP, DSS3 (6) & DSS4(4) came to stay. They've been several times before and it's always been fine. We all get on well and everything is relatively relaxed and happy.

This weekend both DSSs were far more argumentative with their dad. They were rude, ignored DP (and me), rarely said please or thank you without being prompted and constantly commented that our telly/ trampoline/ garden is too small. I KNOW they are 4 and 6 and have bigger things with their mum and ordinarily those comments wouldn't bother me but this time, it did. I'm not sure why...

When I backed up DP, saying something like'Daddy told you to stop (burping at the table/ clicking your fingers to get his attention/ hitting your brother/ arguing etc) so you need to stop' or 'you need to listen to your dad' or 'we don't burp at the table' etc, the little one looked shocked and cried. I now feel like a witch.

DP said they do whatever they want when they are at home and aren't used to having boundaries. He wasn't happy with them and kept nagging them. I don't know how to deal with this - I don't want to be heavy handed but I also don't think it is right to ignore some of their behaviour I want DSSsto be comfortable and happy with me and DS but I expect other children to behave the same as I'd expect DS to - no deliberate burping at the table, no constant arguing with adults and remembering to say please and thank you most of the time... AIBU? I can't decide if my expectations are unfair or what.

Should probably have namechanged since I suspect DP lurks

[mumblechum1]

I think you were absolutely right to pull them up on their table manners and general behaviour, otherwise how are they supposed to learn?

Their mum may be soft on them but they'll find that teachers at school, their friends' parents etc will expect them to behave in a civilised way.

The only thing I'd suggest is that you balance it out by praising them when they do behave well (I'm sure you do that anyway).

[rachelmummy]

Look at it this way: If your DS had friends over who behaved like your Step-kids, would you correct them (or speak to the parents and expect the behaviour to be corrected)

If yes: Then stand your ground. You have to do what you believe is right by your DS.

If no: Then let it go and organise your own stuff with DS when the step kids are about.

[Grockle]

I treated them as I would any child in my house. I wouldn't expect anyone to deliberately burp at the table nor to argue with their parent when told to stop. So, at the time, I didn't feel unreasonable. Until the little one cried. DSS3 is generally much better but he's older and at school. DSS4 is the 'baby' of the family. They are both lovely boys and it should have been a lovely weekend, I just felt mean.

Thank you for responding. I feel a bit better now

[ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs]

Don't feel mean, you're doing what their mother should be doing and that's providing boundaries for them. I see nothing wrong with the way you are treating them and they will eventually learn that things are done differently in different houses. If you and DP keep up a united front they'll soon learn how to behave and use manners which will help them when they go to school and friend's houses. Trust me you're doing them a favour :)

Btw I'm an ex so if I say you're doing the right thing from this side of the fence then you must be

[Grockle]

Thank you

I'm very concsious of not wanting to be the evil stepmother although tbh I am just 'daddy's girlfriend' so perhaps I'm being overly paranoid. I'm also really aware that exH's partner might be in the same situation at some point. Then again, I'd be horrified if DS was rude at their house.

DP and I seem to agree so I guess it's all ok. And his boys are lovely!

[prettyfly1]

I tell you what I found. By the time they are five/six it is too late to take a parental role, however it is your house so you need to set some boundaries. My experience taught me to pick my battles. Dont try to correct everything at once, let as much go over your head as possible and maybe concentrate on one thing that really bothers you at a time.

[prettyfly1]

Oh and if I have learned anything, it is that how they behave with you may well not be a reflection of how they behave at home. They are just testing the boundaries and trying it on - give it time and they will settle down. Being honest though I have three boys including dss (four with dp) and burping etc are soooooooo common - not polite but boys do think its hilarious - just let them know you dont.

[travispickles]

Agreed. Although they may be being unpleasant because they find the set-up difficult, I know my DSS used to test the boundaries and behaved badly out of feeling insecure.

[travispickles]

x-post fly :)

[Grockle]

Thank you. They don't come here for scheduled visits as such, only to play and for occasional sleepovers with DS when they ask. So it is really informal and lovely. I don't see myself as a parent to them but yes, in my house, my rules. I will deal with the arguing/ rudeness I think since that was the main problem. The burping was part of that - it wasn't just silly burping at the table which I am used to with my own DS

Thank you very much for your help

[Bonsoir]

It sounds like very hard work to have a DP who has already got two sets of children with different mothers, neither of which live with him. I'm a stepmother, but the DSSs live with us 50% of the time and I basically expect them to toe the same lines as DD, their half-sister, who is here all the time - there is no reason for standards to be different for the three siblings.

I think your DP and you need to discuss the standards you expect of all the children who live in your house and to impose them as a united front.

[Grockle]

It is hard work! But we are in agreement about expectations and that the rules that apply to my DS are the same for everyone. I think it'll just take a while for everyone to settle, especially since DSSs aren't here 50% of the time. They really struggle with DP not being at their home all the time and I think it's all a bit of a challenge for them. It'll get easier and there are lots of good times - I'm certainly not complaining

Thank you all.

[prettyfly1]

seriously Grockle if oyu and your other half are in agreement that is half the battle - just give it time and it will settle - good luck x