Struggling with my baby and stepchildren over Easter - please help!

[everybodysang]

I had some fab advice from here before my baby came along so I'm hoping for some more now...

My DD is 16 weeks old. Lovely little baby, was sleeping very well but had a bit of a perfect storm of growth spurt/minor illness/teething beginning and is now waking up 4 times a night. We're doing ok, bit tired, obviously. Trying very hard to get her into a good napping routing because there is a massive difference in her night sleeping when she has napped well in the day. Aiming for a nap in the cot in the morning and one in the afternoon, or in the sling if we're out. Other naps are taken in her baby rocking chair/bouncer thing. This has been working quite well, mostly. I've been trying to get her used to some noise while she's having her naps, this has had a bit of setback when the teething started for some reason, she's much more easily woken.

My DSD (8) and DSS (11) arrived the day before yesterday to stay for Easter break, they're here for about a week and a half. All good, they love their little sister and she totally adores them - the giggles we got this morning at them were wonderful. Problem is, now I can't put her down to nap in the bouncer because they're around making noise, so I'm stuck in the bedroom trying to get her to nap in the cot the whole time. And that's not working too well either as she can hear them and they are banging around. They are trying hard not to, baby elephant DSS is really making an effort to go up and down stairs quietly, DSD is toning down her very loud singing, but of course they make a noise, they're kids, and it doesn't seem terribly fair to be asking them to keep quiet the whole time either, this is their house and they should be able to have fun in it.

But I'm tired because she's not napping and is grizzling, DSD is in her face quite a lot even though we've asked her not to when we're trying to wind her down for a nap, and I'm starting to feel resentful and cross. I really don't want to be, I don't want them to feel pushed out by the baby or to spoil our good relationship, but I just don't quite know what to do. DP has taken DSD to the park on her bike with baby in the pushchair in the hope she'll drop off, and I've shut myself in my room for a little while with the laptop while DSS is on the computer.

I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for here. I think the problem is that I know this isn't just the weekend so it's not just a couple of days of bad sleep and then back to normal, it's 10 days, by which time I might have gone totally nuts. I don't want to feel resentful towards them, they're lovely. Help.

[nenevomito]

Put her down to nap in the bouncer. Honestly. She's probably more bothered by the change in routine than by the noise. I only learned after having my second that babies can sleep through the most hideous noises if they are allowed to get used to it.

Sorry if I don't sound very sympathetic - I am, really and I do know that at 16 weeks sleep can still be the be-all and end-all of everything, but what do you think happens in families where there are older children there all the time?

[everybodysang]

Mmm, I know, I did try yesterday but the result was a nap total of 15 minutes and a super-grumpy baby. A couple of weeks ago she'd have slept through the noise but not now. Will she just get used to it? Will that happen before I go out of my mind?

[Northernlurker]

I suspect what's actually keeping her awake is not noise as such - it's you feeling tense. $ months ago she felt your every heart beat - she knows when you're anxious and wound up.
I would try and stick to your routine as much as possible but don't convince yourself that if she hasn't napped she won't sleep - you getting wound up will keep her awake. This is a time for lots of deep breaths and getting out of the house a lot. I don't have stepchildren but I did have dd1 (9) and dd2 (6) when dd3 was born so I do understand the issue a bit. Take the kids to the park with baby in the sling as much as possible. She will sleep more reliably in that I expect than the pram.

[Hooliaaa]

Wow! I can understand that you're finding this stressful. I think you're doing everything right, but not surprising it's all a bit overwhelming at the moment. I have found since having a new baby I find it harder to handle my DSC (who are also 8 and 10) even though they're just lovely and we have a great relationship. Biggest problem is the girl who won't leave me + baby alone for 2 minutes. I KNOW it's all out of love but still drives me a bit crazy. The answer is to Calm down. I'm sure the 10 days will work out fine as right now you're all getting used to each other and the new dynamic of your relationship. I'm also sure the baby's picking up on your stress. I think you're doing all the right things & you need to ask your partner to take the older kids out to let off steam out of the house as much as possible. Just to give you time to chill out and enjoy being with the baby without feeling stressed. It will all be fine and you will be a lovely happy family when you've got over this adjustment period. So will we!

[UC]

I'm a step mum, although I don't have a baby, so approaching this from the step mum point of view... It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your step children generally. As they are 8 and 11, can you sit down with them, and explain how you feel - not in any great depth, but that you are feeling a little stressed because baby isn't getting her naps in, and she needs them as she gets tired and whingey without.

You could ask them to help you - rather than saying not to do something, make it something positive that they can help you with. Perhaps they could watch a little TV or play outside while you settle your baby.

I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well - but I'm guessing they don't have all that much exposure to little babies, and they may not understand the importance of the sleep. Explain that the baby will be much more smiley and less grizzly if she gets her sleep.

And talk to your DP too - can he do something with your DSS and DSD to give you some down time - you don't all need to be at home together while the baby is napping.

Do DSD and DSS know any other children locally? Can they go out to play/ride bikes/scooters? i.e. be independent in going out and about?

Maybe if they can, you could ask them to help you with doing some shopping at the local shop, with an ice cream for them thrown in - that might give you half an hour to get the baby off to sleep sometimes?

You might find it settles down anyway over the next few days - your DSS and DSD will get more used to being around the baby and the baby will probably get more used to them being around too.

[UC]

Re. the shopping, I mean you could send them with a list to the shop - if it's safe of course!

[onlyone]

This has nothing to do with steps, it is what brothers and sisters do.

[yoshiLunk]

onlyone the OP already acknowledges that in her own post.

The problem is they are not there all the time so the baby is not used to it. I felt exactly the same, - you have your baby in a nice little routine and along comes contact time and you are having to re-adjust - and expecting (or hoping for) your baby to re-adjust. And when you are tired and stressed you do feel resentment toward whoever or whatever is contributing to that, whether it be noisy children or the bloke next door firing up his jet washer when you're baby is napping in the garden......[buangry] .... where was I?

The thing is you will find something that works for when the children are there. They do need to understand that the baby needs to sleep, and there needs to be calm time. I agree with UC they are old enough to understand, tell them that the baby is becoming upset and grumpy and how they can help to change this, then when nap time is approaching, okay here comes that calm time we were talking about ..etc.

Of course no-one expects them to creep around all day - but there is a new member of their family who needs to be considered and it would be good for them to learn how to do this.