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Step-parenting

Where else can I do?

12 replies

pouffe · 12/04/2011 10:58

Have ran out of things to try so any advice would be handy. Have a DP of four years who has a 9 and 12 yo. I have an 8 and 11 year old. DP's children come and stay every other weekend when mine are at their dads. both sets of kids are bought up very differently, eating habits, manners etc. Anyway, after four years, DP's children still only speak to me when I ask them anything, basically treat me like a waitress for food and even after all this time and whtever things I do, make me feel like I shouldn't be around. It is having a real strain on mine and DP's relationship as he says"what can he do as they only come over for the weekend and he doesn't want to be too hard on them as they won't want to come"....... However, after four years it is still as though I am hired help who just is around when they are here. My requests for manners at the table etc are just met with glares from the 9 yo and then no speaking or even crying, while when makuing conversation with the 12 yo, is met with "can't remember".

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Beamur · 12/04/2011 11:03

Your DP needs to have more faith in his abilities to discipline his kids without losing their love.
I am a step parent to 2 really great kids who have never given me a moments trouble (I kid you not) but their Dad is a strong loving father who expects and gets good behaviour from all his kids - we have a DD of our own.
It's not acceptable that these kids treat you like this - do you know why they are so hostile?
Just a question - why don't you have all the kids together at any time?

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pouffe · 12/04/2011 11:16

We used to but his youngest and my eldest do not get on at all, it was like a war zone. It was getting into a competition as to "thats my dad not yours" and then my kids would also get upset as they wanted to sped time with him as well. The friction between my eldest and his youngest was the deciding factor though. This way we felt they could all get the undivided attention they wanted. He has tried to say to them that we are a team and that this is what he would expect in manners etc and rules in our house but by the next weekend they are over it is back to the same old behaviour. However, by splitting the weekends, it seems to me that they now have my kids out of the way and if they keep up with their behaviour it will only be a mtter of time before I am out of the way too!

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Petal02 · 12/04/2011 11:20

Pouffe, there seem to be lots of dads who daren't discipline their children, just in case they decide they don't want to visit any more. which can mean you spend half your life with "fire proof" teenagers who can behave as they wish. Their dad probably thinks he's doing the right thing by taking the path of least resistance, but it creates a domestic situation that's very hard to live with, and quite unhealthy.

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berrieberrie · 12/04/2011 11:28

God this sounds like hell, when do the two of you get time together? What is he like with your children, discipline wise. You need to point him in the direction of some help. He?s not listening to you and his kids are growing up to have no respect for either of you.
It sounds like weekend with your DSC are just to be endured by everyone. I understand your kids don?t get on but they need to be challenged on this ? you can?t teach then that if they don?t get on with people in life they can just not see them, that?s not how it works!

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pouffe · 12/04/2011 11:37

I have said that in not pulling them on up on their behaviour, he is giving them carte blanche to behave exactly as they like and how will it be when they are teenagers? I wonder if it is a situation which is created in their own home as to how they behave when they are with us as I know that this can happen. It seems that like like to have the trappings that my kids have, i.e regular £5's off my parents who they never even write and thank but they can continue behaving like I don't exist. I did think it would be harder in the beginning as we have been together pretty much since their parents split but as time has gone on, it has got worse and after four years, I thought at least we would have some rapport. Their mother has had a couple of boyfriends in this time and I cannot see the latest one putting up with this time of behaviour from them, so is it me? For instance, I can be sat in the lounge, the eldest will walk in (theres me sat there looking up expectantly) , pick something up that is right by me and walk out again and not say a word, I don't get a good night, i do get a forced over the top hello from them when we come in as my eldest daughter asked "why they didn't speak to my mum", its very strange. I have organised holidays abroad, theatre trips to London, you name it. Each one has ended in some way with them disrupting it for every one else involved. I don't know.....

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pouffe · 12/04/2011 11:46

They have tea together once every week which works well. I think its the short time span. We very rarey get time together as a couple, probably one night a week if works allows. My weekends are great with my kids and when able to DP is around (v busy job) but the weekends when his kids are here are becoming unbearbale for me. Its like setting yourself up for an unhappy time. I cannot understand the hostility myself, I am always positive about their mum and their home life but belive that good manners are important and that the youngest shouldnt be allowed to eat with his fingers (yes i know..). My two get frustrated as they see they treating me with disrespect adn it must be hard for them as well as they get pulled up far more from both of us, DP included, he is good with my kids.

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Beamur · 12/04/2011 11:50

It sounds like you are trying hard - so well done for that. I know with mine that you don't always get much thanks for stuff and I don't expect it, curiously though now they are older (16 and 17) they are more aware and appreciative - although I still don't expect it. I was chatting to DSD recently and it came as a revelation to her that it has mostly been me that had made their packed lunches when they were at school and not their Dad!
You are right though, by not saying anything your partner is effectively giving them permission to behave like this. The irony is it simply perpetuates a horrible environment for you all.
I'd also say though, to pick the things that are worth making an issue over too - like, are their manners really that bad? From what you have said though, the lead really needs to come from their Dad as at the moment they have little respect for you, he also needs to support you and give you permission to discipline them appropriately.

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pouffe · 12/04/2011 12:03

DP'S youngest would eat with his fingers everytime and we still have to remind him to use a knife and fork. Half standing at the table. As he is a very fussy eater and the rest of the family cook him seperate meals (?) always wanting what is not on the menu and crying if he gets given something he doesn't like. Every meal I put down starts with I don't like that.... I am sorry but I cannot serve a child plain cooked pasta with nothing on it and then dried wafers for dessert (apprently thats the type of thing he wants) and has had when we are out. Thanks for your suuport on here though, its a last ditch attempt to remind myself that maybe I am right to want more support from DP about it and that I am not going mad. I have put up with it for far too long. DP does acknowledge that their behaviour towards me is unjust but I just want him to realise that he is the parent, these are kids. Thank you.

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Beamur · 12/04/2011 12:09

Ah, the delights of fussy eaters - my DSD was/is too - she used to pretty much only eat beige food - pasta/cheese/bread, DD is better but won't eat meat, thank heavens for DSS - he is a good eater!
If they are only with you for the weekend, I'd go for the easier option of giving him what he will eat - offer additions, such as fruit etc, but you can't do much to influence his eating in such a short time and are more likely to create resentment by making it confrontational. I hate the cafe mentality when you have fussy eaters but am more tolerant now, I vowed DD would not be allowed to be fussy but have had to concede that she has her own tastes in food and its not fair to make her eat something she dislikes.
I'd insist on sitting down to eat though, although I might ignore the finger eating and say if he gets up the meal is over and take the plate away - I do this with DD, and ask her if she's finished, if not, get back up the table or the meal gets taken away.

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theredhen · 12/04/2011 12:31

Totally agree that it is down to your DP to back you up on this. It's very unfair if he is disclipling your kids but not his own.

If he cares enough about his kids, he will want them to grow up to be decent adults and part of that is teaching them manners and respect.

Sometimes, parents who don't see their kids all the time, put their own needs first and don't discipline because they are frightened they won't see the kids because they won't want to come.

I honestly believe a really good parent can diferentiate between their own needs and the need to bring their child up correctly. I do understand it is difficult, but if you can make him see the difference maybe you can start to make some changes as a family?

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wendihouse22 · 12/04/2011 16:25

Firstly, I'd want more support from DP.

The other thing....don't the two of you need a little time off together with all those kids between you? Why not have all the kids on the same weekend? That way, you can work toward ALL BEING TREATED THE SAME/EQUALLY and you get a weekend to yourselves occasionally. That way, they can learn by example. My DH has 3 kids with first wife and I have one son with my exH. We do our weekends ALL TOGETHER. It's good for them! And we get a well earned weekend to ourselves.

Just a thought.

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berrieberrie · 12/04/2011 16:45

In fairness to the kids, we don't know what their mum's telling them about you behind your back...

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