Equality within extended families

[Niceguy2]

Hi all

I'd like some advice from other stepparents who probably have a better understanding of what its like rather than from well meaning people who just think they understand but have no experience of the complexities of being a stepparent.

Situation is this. I have 2 DC's (DD14 & DS9) and been living with my OH and DSS(4) for nearly 18 months.

My sister is getting married at the end of this month and my gran has decided to buy all my other sisters (i have a fairly big family) a really expensive necklace each. Fair enough. Then my gran asked if I'd mind if she got one for my daughter too. I thought that was a lovely gesture as she's not many years left and its something DD could remember her great-gran by. All good so far.

Anyway, last night she calls to ask what she could get my DS since she's just realised that he could feel left out. At first I was like Oh he doesn't really need anything. But she's quite insistent and said well she'd just give him money then.

That's fine I guess and its nice she's thinking of him. Except of course now I'm worrying about DSS. He doesn't see his dad, I'm the only dad he knows.

Obviously I want them to be all treated equally but at the same time it would be unfair to ask my gran to spend money on a child who is unrelated (in her mind) and its not like we've been together for years either.

OH & I spoke last night and I suggested that I would treat him separately if gran doesn't get DSS anything. Luckily OH is pretty understanding and I guess I'm a bit sensitive given my exGF would have gone NUTS and it would have been a few days of arguing.

Am I being sensitive? How do other stepfamilies cope with present situations involving extended families?

Thanks for reading this rather long post! lol

[theredhen]

It's difficult isn't it?

I think in step families you have to accept that this sort of thing happens.

Personally I would give my step son a token amount to buy something nice with but I wouldn't try and match it.

My close family buy for my step children, my friends and more distant family tend not to buy for the step children and vice versa with DP's family.

If you notice things are really one sided, then I think you have to either be prepared to make things up yourself or "have a word" with the member of family but in this case, I don't think an old lady should be made to feel she has done anything wrong (which she hasn't).

I think if you worry about this everytime it happens, you will be doing a lot of worrying and I think your ex was a bit unreasonable!

It's part and parcel of being a step family.

[Bearinthebigwoohouse]

I think there's a balance to be struck and whether they're all treated equally depends on the situation. The way I used to look at it (am no longer with my dsd's dad) was that she had two lots of opportunities - those she had with her mum and those she had with her dad and I, whereas dd has one lot of opportunities.

I would always bear in mind how it would look, how it would feel for dsd. For me it was about making her feel welcome and part of the family. So she was included in family events, and had birthday and Christmas presents from them. But in a case like this she probably wouldn't have been included and that was fine IMO - she has two lots of grandparents to do this type of thing, so it wasn't necessary for a 3rd to do the same. And that was exactly how I used to explain things to her and she was fine with that, although I guess your situation is slightly different as your dss doesn't see his Dad. Does he see any of his Dad's side of the family?

Would your dss even know that the others have been given gifts?

[Topoff]

Dss's grand-parents or family wouldn't be expected to buy your children anything would they?

Sounds like a flipping minefield though.

[SingingTunelessly]

Really think you're over-thinking this (in a lovely caring way). DSS is 4 - honestly he is not going to have a clue about the value of the presents. If there is to be a 'presentation' where the others are opening the gifts in front of each other than make sure he has a great tube of Smarties/Thomas/Bob the Builder or whatever gift. If he was 14 then yes he'd notice the value difference but he's not. Enjoy the innocence!

To answer the step-family thing - well it is how it is and it's part of being a step-family I'm afraid. There really is no easy answer.

[Niceguy2]

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. I guess I am overthinking it but its because this is my 2nd time at being a stepparent.

My ex was a nightmare and I ended up walking on eggshells everywhere. She always insisted on total equality. To the point where once I bought her daughter some trainers and we had a row because I hadn't bought the other 3 any (she had 2 kids). My point was that they didn't need any! But seemingly that logic wasn't good enough!

[berrieberrie]

This is really hard isn't it. My mum and dad are separated and my mum's side of the family have treated my DSD like my child from day one; birthday cards, presents, phone calls. All equal to my own DD. But my dad on the otherhand doesnt seem to have cottoned on at all to the fact that DSD is part of my life. She called him grandpa once and he looked like he was going to collapse. He got her a small gift this christmas so he may be coming round but for the past 4 years he hasn't done anything.

It's tricky because I want to tell him but how can you tell someone to spend their money on someone?!

No advice other than to say i think it's quite common for old folk not to 'get' the fact that you have another child in your life.

Maybe you could mention a few things about how you want him to feel a part of the family etc and suggest other ways that could happen - special day out with step granny etc? Maybe she'll cotton on.

On the plus side, the kids only 4, he'd probably be happy with a cbeebies magazine!

[berrieberrie]

And yes, your ex sounds like a 'treasure'

[UC]

May be contraversial, but can you phone your gran, and explain this to her? You might be surprised at her response. She may just not have considered DSS at all, and you might find she just hasn't considered it.

If you don't feel you can do that, then maybe just do what others have suggested. But I bet DSS won't notice anything....

FWIW, the whole step family thing can be a nightmare - I struggle with it all too at times. Luckily, my family have all just got on with accepting DP's children as extra nephews/grandsons. DP's family live abroad, so it doesn't really arise (phew!!!).

[UC]

Sorry, too many "not have considered"s there - meant you might find she hasn't thought about it, and says "oh of course, I'm sorry I forgot DSS"

[Bonsoir]

Stop worrying. There is no reason on earth for your grandmother to buy a present to mark the wedding of one of her grandchildren for an unrelated child.