Step child needs advice

[hickerydickerydock]

My DF has been with/married to my DSM for 15 years, I get on very well with my step mother and love her dearly and really want to make sure she knows this every christmas/mothers day and birthday for the past few years I have written out cards to try and express this to her but never know exactly what to say or can't bring myself to send them!

My father and step mothers relationship is totally on the rocks (DF has expressed to me many a time that he would like to divorce DSM) I that to express to her how much I value her would in away betray my father, but I feel that after so long (and that she has given me SO much love and support) she deserves some recognition and thanks for it.

My own mother is useless drinks and is generally just a bit rubbish, although she does try her hardest and in some ways I feel she has fallen into the role of a victim ( a role she relishes) and it is my DSM that has filled the void left by my own mother.

I suppose the question I'm really asking is that I feel I really need to express to my DSM how valued she is before her and my DF relationships totally falls apart (which would make a relationship for us difficult) but I'm not sure how to go about doing so, and feel nervous of the response I may receive, as step parents how would you respond this to from you your DSD? And what is the best way to go about this?

[geordieminx]

No real advice bur didn't want your post to go unanswered

I am sure she knows how much you mean to her, and if their relationship does end, I'm sure you could carry ob seeing your DSM, given that she has been a part of your life for so long. Whilst it may be strange for your father at first hopefully he will understand.

It's lovely that you have such a good relationship, speaking as both a step mother and step daugter.

Sorry for typos. Gin x

[glasscompletelybroken]

Well I'd be delighted if my step-children felt like that. Just bite the bullet and tell her.Tell her she is an important and lovely part of your life and you don't want that to change - whatever else happens.

[FriedEggyAndSlippery]

You have to tell her. You are all grown ups here - your father should understand and accept that you have a long standing relationship with his wife and he cannot expect you to throw that away. There is no reason why you shouldn't continue to see her, she's been in your life for so long.

[allnewtaketwo]

OP how about inviting her out for a coffee/lunch just the two of you? I think she'd probably really appreciate it. As a SM you have absolutely do idea what the DSCs think of you, and I guess it's human nature to err on the negative side. For example I imagine my DSSs just tolerate me - if they were to tell me as adults that actually they valued me then that would be lovely. Good for you by the way for staying objective. Second marriages aren't easy, and it's lovely that you're thinking of her

[FriedEggyAndSlippery]

I saw my 13yo DSD for the first time in a couple of weeks, she's 13. She gave me a stepmum mothers day card :) awww.

[hickerydickerydock]

Thank you for your comments, and I think your are all right and I should tell her, I think the coffee/ lunch idea is a great one. Its nice to know I am not being totally neurotic in having been worried about this.