I'm scared

[floweryblue]

DP's son (14) has recently been sent to live with us by his mum who is unable to cope with his really quite bad teens behaviour (she is disabled). We live a long way from his mum and DSS is having the expected difficulties being torn away from his friends and lifestyle (drugs, drinking and maybe thieving). His mum has very good and valid reasons for sending him to us, she is trying to break this cycle and she is doing everything she can think of to support us. DP and I both have excellent (well as excellent as they can be with an X!) relationships with XW and her new DP.

DSS has actually been quite good most of the time, but we have needed to involve the police in trying to locate him/calm him on several occassions. We have had to report him as a suicide threat and a missing person (even though we don't truly believe he will go either route).

Things were calming down but in the last three weeks DP has been diagnosed with cancer and DSS himself has been poorly (throat infection).

Now I have discovered that DSS is still using cannabis and I believe he has been stealing from me (definite some cigarettes have gone mising, I also think some small amount of money but I can't be sure). DP is reluctant to believe me, even though I have provided evidence. (ie I found drugs in DSS bedroom and a bong hidden in the garden).

I totally understand that DP is having many terrors of his own, with his cancer being not fully understood yet. DP was in significant pain for several months before his diagnosis, so he has 'overlooked' quite a bit. I am also aware that DSS will be having huge problems dealing with his own new situation, especially learning that he has moved from a disabled parent to a now ill parent.

What happens next? I had been trying to be a proper 'parent' when DSS first moved down but his father asked me to take a back seat, so I did. It now looks likely that I will need to be 'the' parent while his dad deals with his illness and I am scared.

I know I can speak to XW but, just for now, I don't want to speak to anyone about what might happen to DP because I just don't know. DP has another son (11) who still lives with XW, there are no other children. I have been with DP/known both children for 9 years.

Gosh that was longer than I thought it would be!

[mdoodledoo]

I'm not able to offer any words of wisdom re the step parenting situation because I've no experience of full time parenting, or of teens - it sounds like such a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you - but I'm sure that others will be able to offer constructive and useful advice rather than just sympathy.

However, I do work in a cancer hospital and am also having a personal experience of services at the moment because my Mum's just been diagnosed with breast cancer. The only practical support I can give is to encourage you to liaise closely with your DP's specialist nurse as they can give you loads of help, and to really consider linking with support groups/charities in your area. Maggie's are brilliant if you have a centre in your region, but if not they have online forum's a bit like this one that can give you a place to chat with others. Make sure you dig about for the info you want when you need it - the healthcare professionals will sometimes been reticent to give you loads of info at every stage in case you're overloaded - but when you're ready to know more keep asking questions because there's often more they can tell you.

Masses of good luck and a virtual M'sN't hug from me to you.

[floweryblue]

Thank you mdoodledoo, I will look into support in our area and online.

[theredhen]

I wanted to reply but I am not sure what to say to you. You must be so worried. Whatever happens, I think you need to try and get some time for yourself and not feel guilty. Do you think there are any relatives who could help you with DSS? Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles? Even if it's just for a short time so you can re-charge your batteries and go back to caring for everyone.

I hope DP gets well soon. xx

[floweryblue]

Thanks theredhen.

I have a small but very close extended family but none of DP or DSS family live near us (obv my family is also their family, but it's not quite the same). Luckily I work for my parents so they are happy to help us all out in any way they can. It's very early days since DP's diagnosis, I may be worrying about something and nothing, if you get my drift. My mum had breast cancer about 12 years ago and she was fine, there were some complications but she was treated and recovered well. Same with my dad's heart attack. I am going to DP's next hospital appointment with him so I can hear things for myself/ask questions.

If I boil it down to basics, I am scared of having to nurse DP - I am not good at ill, to the point where I am never ill. I am even more scared of being responsible for DSS life, he seems so determined to muck it up and I have no clue how to stop him without his father's support.

[floweryblue]

DP is starting chemo in about 2-3 weeks.

DSS spoke to his mum tonight and said his Dad is fine and he (DSS) fully intends to fail all his GCSEs just to spite his parents for forcing him to move.

The only reason we have not met any more of our lovely local police force recently is because DSS is really ill with tonsillitis.

[floweryblue]

If that were an option really I would take it but we can't send DSS back to the lifestyle he had and I really think DP would worry more without his DS under his nose.