Why do I feel like an evil stepmother?

[flowerzoo]

Okay, here goes - I do not like my DSS! There, I've said it. I've tried so hard not to admit it that it has almost strangled me! It has got to the stage that as soon as he returns home my mood immediately changes for the worse. I really try to be positive and treat him as I do my own but it makes no difference. This feeling is making me really depressed and i keep wishing that my DSs and I were on our own in our own home.I've been with DP for 8 yrs now, living together for 3 years. I have 2 DSs and DP has 1. DSS has resented me from the very beginning - he is an only child so used to having his own way etc. etc. He has always been very manipulative and used to be mean and spiteful to both my DSs in the early years (he is 5 years older than my oldest and 8 years older than my youngest) and I'm pretty certain that this is when my resentment started. He has always resented me but that is to be expected as a SP. It wasn't so bad when he only visited at weekends but for the last 2 years he has lived with us as he is closer to college - his course is almost finished and I am dreading having him hang around the house all day every day doing nothing. I feel as if he is invading my territory and just wish he'd live with his Mum. I hate myself for feeling like this. DP knows more or less how i feel, but not quite how bad - he is wonderful with my DS's and they love him dearly as do I but I feel that the only way I can rectify the situation is to leave..... has anyone else felt like this too??

[prettyfly1]

For a start stop beating yourself up - most of us feel like that at times. It isnt right but it is really common and really normal. Are there any practical things you can do to try and improve the situation? Anything your dp can do?

[loveitwhenyouoooh]

Don't feel bad - you can't make yourself like someone. As long as you have always treated him fairly (and you say you have) then that's all you can do.

As prettyfly said: is there anything practical you can do to ease the situation? If he is finished college will he be getting a job? Make it clear that if he is not studying then he is expected to get a job and pay his way. Even if he's only finished for holidays then he could get a summer job. That will get him out of the house and give you a bit of peace from him. I know how hard it is living with someone you dont like. It can make you feel like a stranger in your own home.

And if he doesnt like this arrangement he might move back to his mum!

[flowerzoo]

Thanks for your replies and you're so right - I do feel just like a stranger in my own home when he's around! I try hard to rationalise my feelings but seem to just hit a brick wall. Mentioned the subject of getting a job after college last night - let's just say there was a mini explosion!!! However, that is something that DP is adamant about too so I'll leave it to him to follow up... I want to tell him that he if he doesn't want to work it would be best for him to return to live with his mother - but then my true evil self will be revealed! I just wish I could like him.....

[prettyfly1]

at the end of the day he is a big boy - if he isnt at school or college he should have a job and carry his weight! Glad to hear dp is backing you. Teenagers are hard to like at the best of times - just treat him kindly and fairly and you may find as he gets more mature you feel differently.

[flowerzoo]

Thanks to you both for your advice. Never done this before and am surprised how much it helps!

[2blessed2bstressed]

Hey flowerzoo - don't be too hard on yourself, like others have said, so long as you've always been fair to him.....
Maybe, since he moved in with you to be nearer to college, once he's finished perhaps he'll move back in with his mum anyway? Especially if you and your dp are both maintaining that he'll have to get a job - if he's not keen (your mini explosion comment!), he might prefer to return to the maternal bosom!