How long before you spent time with DSC?

[hecalledmeflamingjune]

I've met dp's 2 ds a couple of times but ever since we've been more serious he's not been keen for me to see them at all. When he knows they're being dropped off at 4 he'll quite literally turf me out of his house even if I'm midway through a cup of coffee. He doesn't speak to me on the phone or text when they're staying there either. We've been together 5 months.

[mdoodledoo]

It was a year before I met them - with hindsight too long for us as we both built the whole thing into a much bigger deal than it needed to be and it was a disaster when it finally happened. During that 12 months I popped around to DP's house a couple of things when the children had gone to sleep but those visits were horrible too - feeling like an intruder and one time having to hide in the bathroom when DSD woke up.

I realise now that that entire episode coloured my feelings towards my DSC and had a negative impact on my relationship with them for the first months after I met them; and with DP for much longer.

It may also have been completely necessary for us to wait a long time and perhaps things would have been worse if we'd done anything earlier - but I'll never know. At least when I met them/they met me (1) DP and I were sure that our relationship was likely to be long term, and (2) their mum was more comfy with the situation.

We've got a great thing going on now though - nearly 3 years later!

[nenevomito]

When I started going out with DH he was living in a house-share and I was there a couple of times when his DD was there, but he wouldn't behave like I was his girlfriend when she was there.

At around 6 months, he decided to introduce me to her and I just popped in for a brew, said hi and then tootled off again. He was very clear from the start that the time he had with her was HER time and I was very much a spare part - except for the loaning of my car when he needed to take her places. When she was there he wouldn't talk on the phone to me or text either, although he would text when she was in bed - however late that may be.

You need to talk to him about it as sooner or later you'll need to be introduced, but as someone who is at the other end - DBD is in late teens now - and remembers being in exactly the same position as you, I have the following advice....

1. How he treats you now when the DCs are around is an indicator of how it will always be, so stand up to it now if you want it to change. I spent years with DH ignoring me when DBD was visiting, going out with DBD without telling me, disappearing on holiday without saying where they were going or even letting me know where they were going and him generally acting like an arse to me when she was around.
   

It is perfectly possible to strike a balance of giving children the love, time an attention they want when he sees them without completely ostracising his partner, but not everyone gets this right.

1. Never, ever expect to come anywhere in the pecking order when DCs are around. He will have got used to the time he has with them being completely and utterly dedicated to them.
   

1. Detach, detach, detach. (you may not get why I am saying this now, but you will at some point!!)
   

If I could go back and do it all again, I would have a word with myself about the emotional roller coaster that it was going to be and also have a word with DH about how I expect to be treated with respect when his DCs are around as it will make everyone's relationships easier. It would save a whole load of stress if I could do that!

Good luck!!

[WinterLover]

From DP and I getting into a relationship about a week, but id known DP and his family for about 10 years beforhand.

The first time I met his DD she was 2, I popped in for a coffee after doing some shopping and ended up staying all day as she didnt want me to leave. Funnily I ended up watching her on my own for an hour while DP went to rescue his brother who'd got his van stuck..

For us it worked, from the start I knew DD came first, but it was made so easy by the way she took to me straight away and its been like it since DP jokes he doesnt get a look in when im around lol 3 years on and we've got our own baby on the way and DSD couldnt be happier when she's here with us.

Its not been easy though, problems with his exW but I think she is now learning that no matter what she says or how she tries to split us up she wont suceed and we are stronger now than before she started throwing dirt

I echo Babyheave with her points.

[speakercorner]

For me, it was almost a year. DSS was little, and it felt respectful of the exW to wait until she was comfortable with things. I think we were overly cautious actually, but it didn't really matter in the long-run - I have a good relationship with DSS.

I would also echo a lot of what Babyheave says, and I would tell your DP now how it feels when he hustles you out of his home. When you are secure in your position as his partner and as the SM, you will be really annoyed that you allowed yourself to be treated like that and he will be embarrassed!

[Petal02]

It nearly always seems to be the man who has keep his new partner 'under wraps' to placate his ex. You rarely hear of a woman having to keep her new man hidden, to avoid upsetting her ex husband ........

Why do these men let their ex's control them like this? Actually, I can answer that myself - these men are so scared of losing contact with their children, that most of them would the most bizarre things to avoid rocking the boat.

[thesnowmanleft]

It was 3 months for me. My DD was 2 so we just introduced DP as a friend. His DD was 9 so she knew the score and wouldnt have had the wool pulled over her eyes. No physical contact in front of her until we all went on holiday 3 months later.

[mummylouise]

we had been together bout 2 months, DP had met my kids a couple of weeks before that. The kids and i all met at the same time on a day out which was quite fun. As i have kids bout the same age as my step son then i really just treat them the same. i am quite strict thou and that doesn't always go down well, but i think that kids need boundaries and to know what they can and can't get away with. Have had a few probs with the ex wife and ex husband but i find ignoring their behaviour helps!

[tokenwoman]

petal - so true sadly i find its also not wanting to upset the child in case they decide they no longer want to visit

OP how old are the children? i met my DSD aka daddies little princess in the first week of meeting and i met DP mother within the first week too !!she was left in no doubt that i was daddies girlfriend
the mother was more scary going to meet although she is so nice and inclusive with me

[hecalledmeflamingjune]

Thank you all for responding, it's really good to read about other experiences. His dcs are 7 and 10 so old enough to understand that I am Daddy's girlfriend. I think these things take time but I don't want so much time to go by that it turns into something much bigger than it actually is.

I am a stepchild myself, I met my Step mum when I was 7 and it never felt like a big deal to me but this has made me realise how nervous she must have felt. I want to have a good relationship with them like she had with my brother and I.

[speakercorner]

I met my mum's new partner when I went into her room one morning! I was about 8. It actually didn't bother me at all. She had four boyfriends that I knew of, and all of them were really nice to me. Silly to make such a big deal out of it, imo.

[MrsWajs]

I first met DSS after 6 months with DP at his ex's request. He was only 1 at the time so wasn't too traumatic for him or me and since then he just accepts that with daddy comes me as he knows no different. Sadly ex doesn't quite show the same respect and introduces new boyfriends to DSS all the time (usually after about 5 minutes!) I understand that this is entirely up to her but feel it's a bit pot, kettle, black considering we towed the line for her!

In saying that we do have a reasonable relationship between the 3 of us which is the most important thing for DSS as he sees that we all get on well and I can easily go and pick him up on my own if DP is working etc.

[hecalledmeflamingjune]

I'm going to see them today! I'm taking my dog and we're going to the park. Hopefully it will be as relaxed as it was when I met them before.

Thank you everyone for sharing your advice and experiences.

[hecalledmeflamingjune]

Just an update - it didn't go well really. The oldest who is 10 totally ignored me and refused to acknowledge me. I left after lunch. I know this isn't an overnight thing and things need to go slowly but I am disappointed.