What do you do when they keep crying for mummy?

[Woozlemum]

Just wondered what you guys do if you have any young SC who cry for mummy when they are ill or if they get cranky because they aren't getting their own way?

My DSS has had a run of being ill quite a lot and one time we went to DP's Dad's for the night and DSS was pretty ill, vile cold etc and spent all night screaming the place down for mummy and we ended up driving back home in the middle of the night to take him back to his mums. Felt like a real failure! :(

At the moment he gets a bit sulky if he's being told not to do stuff (like not to climb on the metal bedframe or bounce on the sofa, put toys away nicely) and says things like 'I want to go back to mummys house NOW!'

I've recently been reading 'How to talk so that kids will listen...' and have been trying things like 'I know it must be hard when you are away from your mummy, the problem is she is at work/asleep/not at home right now so we will take you back home later on.' And getting him to repeat back to us where mummy is so he understands and stops asking (as sometimes he just keeps on crying for her for hours).

I know it's tough for little ones to be away from mummy, esp as they are with her most of the time. It's always pretty sucky too to feel like he's not having a good time with us.

[colditz]

Let them ring mummy?

[CarGirl]

How old is he? How good is his Dad at comforting him?

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

Hi woozlemum- It is something I have had experience of and it's not easy.
I don't think driving back to mummy is the answer though, DSS has to learn that these things happen while at daddy's as well.

As for the I want to go to mummy malarkey when being told off, just ignore it- they all do it to get things their way.

How old is your DSS ? You sound like you are handling things in a sensible way, can't you re-direct attention to his favorite cuddle toy that goes with him from mum's to yours ?

[cath476]

You sound like you are trying your best. How is your relationship with Mum? Could you ask her if she has any tips on how to handle him? Or do you think she is part of the problem (could she be being negative about you and dp around him).
I think it's perfectly normal for little ones to want Mummy when they are poorly and perhaps it is better for him to stay at home when he is not well. As for the other times though (when he is not getting his own way) I would just try to be consistent and kind as you seem to be doing.
If you do get on with Mum, perhaps you could all set ground rules for managing his behaviour so that he doesn't get mixed messages. My dsd was 3 when I met her and would sometimes try to tell my dh that mummy would let her do something that he knew very well she wouldn't. Because we have a good relationship with his ex he was able to say "fine I'll ask Mummy" and, knowing what her mum would say, she would soon change her mind and the behaviour quickly fizzled out.
We aren't their mums and we won't ever be, but we can love and comfort them as if we were. The fact that it concerns you, shows that you want to be a good step-mum, and you will be.

[purpledragonfly]

How old is he?

[Woozlemum]

Thanks guys. DSD is 3. I dont speak to his mum, but when he stays over we call her before bedtime so he can say night night. The time we drove back home was when we went to stay with DP's Dad - about two hours drive from home. We live five mins walk from DSD's mum, so normally we dont bother about taking him home if he's upset as usually he's due to go back home the next morning anyway. That time we were supposed to be there for the rest of the next day for a party but from 9pm to 4am he was screaming blue murder for mummy. We drove back home at about 4:30am while DSS was throwing up in the back of the car and asking how long it was going to be till we were at mummys. He wouldn't have been well enough for the party the next day anyway and it wasn't fair keeping everyone else in the house up too (FIL and stepmum in law and nan!)

I know lately he's been ill a lot and tends to try and get away with more stuff because he thinks he gets more sympathy/allowed to get away with more if he's not well. Sometimes when we've had him overnight when he's unwell he will wake up crying and it can take about an hour or longer to get him to calm down and often he refuses to go back to bed and keeps saying he wants to go home. Quite impractical to call mummy at 3am, or even if it is earlier and she is out. DP is very good with him and he is the one who usually gets up in the night for him as I know it's still early days yet for him to feel comfortable if I go to him in the night. When he is especially upset we both get up and sit with him for a while. DP usually says things like 'You'll see mummy in the morning, but for now Daddy's here.' I know DP tends to feel pretty crap about it.

DSS is VERY clingy with his mum at the best of times. This week it was DP's weds afternoon with him and he had been off nursery with a temperature and DP went over to his ex to pick him up from her's to bring back to ours but DSS refused to be away from mummy. DP asked if he could stay over at hers for the afternoon to spend time with him but DSS said he didn't want DP there and demanded mummy do everything for him.

For a long time DSS's mum takes over quite a lot, stuff like always helps him if he is struggling to do something rather than letting him figure things out for himself etc and it's led to him being a bit weird about doing stuff for himself. Everything is 'hard work' and the simpliest thing like picking up a toy car from the floor he says he cant do it himself and needs help. If you tell him that he can do it himself, he gets very cranky and it can take an absolute age to get him to do something.

DP babysits a lot and often asks if he can come over slightly before the ex is due to go out so he can bath DSS and put him to bed, but most times DSS refuses to let anyone but mummy do it for him. Also simple things like when he wants to see what is going on in the kitchen, DP says 'Bring a chair over then' something he does fairly often at ours with no problem, but if he's at home he will demand that mummy does it for him.

I dont think the ex says anything bad about me, I dont really know. I think that there are times when DSS just tries to get away with stuff and tries the 'I want mummy' thing when he's not getting his own way. Some of our rules may be a bit stricter than hers, but we're definitely not uber strict and he gets away with quite a lot sometimes. I do feel quite bad sometimes when I want him to go on the naughty step if he's been pushing it quite a lot in a day, it's like I am willing him to do something again so he goes on - I think mainly because DP is being a bit soft on him sometimes. Not really a Disney Dad but I think to begin with he found it hard to do discipline without feeling lousy about it all. Since we've started reading the 'How to talk so kids will listen...' we've both been trying to implement some of the techniques - and today was the first time I used the 'I know it must be hard when you are away from your mummy, the problem is she is at work/asleep/not at home right now so we will take you back home later on.' And getting him to repeat back to us where mummy is so he understands and stops asking - and it did seem to work. Mind you that was just one of his being a mood moments rather than being genuinely upset moments.

DP is babysitting again tonight (third night this week - we were supposed to have him over at ours but she decided to just get DP to come over to hers instead for the evening while she goes out) - and DSS is still ill so I would imagine he will get upset as usual when he wakes up and knows that mummy isnt there. Poor DP has come down with his cold too so he's not feeling terribly wonderful! But he will try the method I used earlier today and see if it helps calm him down quicker than usual!

[Bewunce]

Oh poor little chap. Three is such a difficult age - just old enough to think you have a handle on the world. I never understand why it's 'terrible twos' when three seems so much more to deal with. And don't little boys start producing testosterone at this age? So that's one more thing to deal with on top of all the learning and growing every day.

And this must be really hard for your husband too - constant furious rejection will wear anyone down.

My own three yr old sounds a little like your dss. Everything is "mummy do it!" and if anyone else dares to open his drink / push in his chair / pick him up it can result in furious rages with snot and tears and everything. And my ds has not had to deal with his parents splitting up. I can't imagine how he would react to waking in the night feeling poorly and not knowing where he was or where I was. :(

I guess my only advice to you is to remember that he's not really being naughty. He doesn't understand the complexities of the situation. All he knows is that he wants his mum, and at three yrs old that's not unreasonable of him.

Things will get better in time as he becomes more secure with you, and as he gets older he will not need his mum so desperately.

[Marne]

If he's ill then i would let him go home to his mummy (all children want their mummy when they are poorly), if he's saying he wants to go home because he's not getting his own way i would ignore and distract him with something else. If any of my step children are ill then they either don't come over or will go home (if they ask too).

[fairystepmother]

You explain why they can't go and see mummy in an easy to understand way and you move the conversation on. Don't enter a debate about it, just explain and then distract them with something else. Don't dwell on the upset - do something to cheer them up.

If he is upset cause he is ill and wants his mum then comfort him as best you can. Lots of cuddles and hugs and stuff then start to play a fun game the three of you. Even if your SS doesn't join in right away, there's a good chance he will once he sees the two of you having fun. One day there is going to be a day when you have him and you can't take him back to his mums cause she's out or on holiday or something, so he's gonna have to learn to see you both as a source of comfort - might was well get on with it now.

Don't be disheartened by it, it's tough on you but it's also tough on the child who misses their mother. But you get them around it by making your place a fun one to be. If you find the issue crops up with you are telling your stepchild not to do something, then change the way of telling them - make it a positive. 'If you go all evening without climbing on the bedframe daddy will give you an extra bedtime story'. Or create a star chart or something - young kids love them.

[Woozlemum]

It's hard as we want to feel like we are capable of looking after him when he's ill, after all DP is his Daddy, but feel like we are feeble in a way for bringing him back home that time. We have suggested that when he is unwell he stays with her, but she can get a bit crappy about it - saying she has to look after him all the time (which technically isn't true as of course we have him a couple of times a week and her parents also share in the child care).

The mummy thing when he is being naughty - he knows full well he is doing something he's not allowed to do, so usually after a couple of times of DP or me telling him not to do something, the bottom lip goes out, throws himself on the sofa and the sulky 'I want to go to mummys house right now' comes out.

When DP and the ex were splitting up DSS understood in simple terms about things, ie Daddy had his own bedroom instead of it being mummy and daddys room and then when he moved out he understood about Daddys house and we've tried to make things as easy and simple as we can. DP and ex split up just before DSS was 2 so it's still early days yet.

When he is ill we do try to distract him after explaining where mummy is and why we cant take him home, but that one time at DP's dads was like a living nightmare lol. Nothing we said or did helped, he was crying so hard he was almost sick and everytime we tried to do something else it just got worse.

When his mum goes out and DP babysits he does get to say goodbye to her, knows she is going out and that daddy is there looking after him. Ex lets DSS sleep in her bed sometimes and she has finally understood that she needs to get him to sleep in his own bed so that when he stays at ours or at anyone elses house he has to stay in his own bed - plus she needs a good nights sleep too! I think it's more when he is ill that he just gets so worked up that she isn't there that he really stresses himself out so that you can't talk to him over the screaming.

Anyway - we'll see how he is this evening while DP is over there looking after him as no doubt he will wake up a lot as he has a bad cough.

[Woozlemum]

Oh and we do a reward chart with him, each time he fills it up he gets a little toy, like a little matchbox tractor or plane. He gets stickers for doing a wee/poo in the potty, eating his lunch nicely, being good at crossing the road, being polite, for generally being good all day. Next reward chart we are going to do - no more stickers for wee/poo unless it is in the toilet rather than the potty as he's been doing it on the potty for a few months now and used to go on the loo but has lately flat out refused to go on the loo (unless we are at DP's dad's in which case he always wants to due to Nan's mobility loo frame!)

He also has stickers taken off his chart if he is very naughty!

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

Lots of good advice already.

He is tiny still - we had this with DSDs when they were little.

I think it is also that age that they want mummy lots. I remember both DSDs being 5 and 3 and crying for mummy a lot even though they had a great time at ours. It will pass eventually, DP & you mustn't lose heart, he will grow up and adjust to the changes eventually. Carry on being loving, caring and listening to him; he will soon enjoy it a lot more.

FWIW We usually stick to our schedule , sickness or not; partly because ExW will usually have her plans and need the break- Also because it cannot always be all fun and games, both parents have to do the not so fun bits, it's good for all if the children know both mummy and daddy's home are equally good at looking after them when they're not well.

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

Woozle- X posted with you

[Woozlemum]

:) Pegs!

We do try to maintain the stablity of things for him. It was frustrating a while back when we had DSS on one of our Weds afternoons and he was a bit ill, but Mum came back from work to take him to the doctors, when we could have taken him ourselves (well DP at least!) There are times we want to be able to do stuff like that for him but she takes over, but then when we took him back home that time she was not happy!

We've always said that if she needs help on days that aren't our days with DSS to just let DP know and he can help as much as he can. Problem is she kind of picks and chooses what she wants to hear/remember about DP helping out. DP tends to drop everything to help out when he can, like if the ex is ill and needs a hand. But if he ever cant - like if we're not home etc - she gets quite crappy and says he never helps and how she never has a break. Quite unfair considering how often she goes out and DP cant ever have any plans as she expects him to cancel whatever plans he has so she can go out at short notice.

But I digress!

Yeah, he's still tiny and dependant on mummy for some things. Although when DP and his ex were still together she wouldn't really let DP do much with DSS. One example (told to me by DP's stepmum) from DSS's first birthday party - mum was wondering where DSS was - DP's stepmum said - 'Oh upstairs playing with his Daddy' - Mum had to rush upstairs to get DSS just so she could be the one with him and not his Daddy. DP usually felt pretty left out and was just the one pushing the pram about, carrying the bags, buying the nappies - so not dissimilar to his role these days! I used to try and take a helper role when we first got together, so I would be the one pushing the pram and carrying the stuff, taking the photos of DP and DSS having fun. DP has encouraged me to do more of the fun stuff with them, there are times where sometimes I feel my place is to do things like make dinner/tidy up so DP can have more quality time with DSS, but then in doing that I feel like I am kind of avoiding the playtime bit because I still feel a bit clunky!

[thinkingkindly]

Hi Woozle, three is very little, and it is certainly hard on a LO to have two different homes. But you don't have to engage all the time with the 'I want mummy'. He says it sometimes because he really does want her (in which case a cuddle and acknowledgement of the emotions is a good idea) and sometimes because he is fed up with you/DP (in which case calmly stating that he is with you and will see mummy tomorrow etc is better). I think you get hyper-sensitive in a split-family situation, and the kids pick up on that and use it to their advantage.

Your ex seems to be getting her own way a lot, but you don't have to dance to her tune quite so much. Your DP probably feels guilty enough to fit round her but eventually you - the new partner - will just get to a point when you think about what you are prepared to tolerate and decide to set your own boundaries. That's what happened with us at any rate. My DH used to babysit a fair bit too, until one day I decided I couldn't bear spending another evening on my own while he sat in his old living room until midnight. I think we were all happier when it stopped (probably the ex too). Likewise with sudden changes of arrangements - once you have a fixed system it is an awful lot easier on everyone imo.

[Woozlemum]

Yeah, I would like to try and cut down on the babysitting as it's nothing that a babysitter couldn't do (although tonight poor DP is not having a good time as DSS was really upset when mummy went out and has taken hours to calm down and go to sleep - and wouldn't wish that on any babysitter!)

We have suggested agreed nights to babysit on - he already always does one Monday a month for a club she goes to, her parents do every Thursday for a course she goes on, and we suggested to agree to two Weds a month (as she likes to go to the cinema a lot) but she wasn't happy with that as she didn't understand why he couldn't be free every Weds night and why on earth might we want to go to the cinema on Orange Wednesdays? We also do the odd Saturday night a month if she wants to go out. Considering how much DP pays her a month it would be nice if some of his money could pay for a babysitter rather than on her new furniture....

For a short time she wouldn't ask him to babysit, but then when she started to want to go out more (and probably when her parents couldn't keep driving the 60 mile round trip several nights a week) she started asking again.

I know there are times I get hyper sensitive about stuff. DP cuddles him and reassures him when he does really want mummy. I think it will just take time.

[thinkingkindly]

Oh God, Woozle, you are reminding me so much of the early days. Don't agree any more set babysitting days or you will make it difficult to stop later. Your DP is not a babysitter, he's the dad. He should see his son because their relationship is important, not because the mum wants some childcare.

[Woozlemum]

Couldn't agree more. At the moment she is still being very unreasonable because she still feels upset that he left her to raise him alone - which obviously isn't what is happening, as he is still very much in his sons life and hasn't just buggered off the face of the earth like some dads do. Some of the time she is fine about stuff, but the babysitting is currently a major sore point and she just refuses to discuss it any further. As far as she is concerned we get to go out ALL the time while she never does. However we cant afford to go out as DP pays her most of his money and I'm currently out of work, (not that we ever went out much anyway - we're both a right pair of hermits!)

[KaraStarbuckThrace]

Woozle - you have my sympathy, but it does get better!! We had this with DSS when he was that age. Only once did DH drive him home again (with agreement from DSS's mum) because he was genuinely poorly and wanted his mum. Our DS is 3 and when he is naughty he does try to play me off against DH, "I want mummy!!!" or "I want Daddy!!". So it is understandable your DSS is doing this.
Key thing is consistency in how you respond to this, do let him speak to his mum on the phone if you can, even if he just listening to her talk to him, though sometimes this did make DSS even more upset
Also, do you pick him up and drop him up at the same time each week? Because he will learn that routine and that will help him feel more settled.
Agree that his dad is not a babysitter!!!
Rewards chart sounds like a great idea :)

[Woozlemum]

Thanks Kara

Yeah we do pick him up and drop him off the same time each week - been like that for the last 9 months or so. It's only recently we've been allowed to have him overnight, but as it's not a routine yet he is still easily unsettled by it - understandably. As it's only as and when she wants to go out on a weekend. We've taken him to DP's Dad's a couple of times for overnight stays - once after Christmas and he was fine, no probs at all, and the second time was a couple of months ago when he was super ill. He just had a bit of a cough when we left but by the evening it was full blown coldy/flu.
When we do have him he does speak to mummy before bed (although half the time we call her he doesn't actually want to talk to her.)

Last night DP was babysitting and DSS was so upset that mummy was going out DP had to prize him off her. He was really distressed. Took him hours to settle down and go to sleep - went off at about 9 - 9:30pm and then woke up just as she came home around midnight. (He has the uncanny knack of waking up just as she comes home and is usually pretty upset and then DP feels horrid having to leave while DSS is still very upset and not getting to say goodbye etc)

Wont be seeing DSS for a while as DP is having an op this week and cant see DSS in case he passes on any germs or bashes him on the face, and then the week after DSS is going on holiday with his mum. I know DP will be missing him very much. :(

[Bewunce]

Great post from MagicJamas. Agree with it all.

[Woozlemum]

We only have a one bedroom house so unfortunately DSD doesn't have his own room. We cant afford to buy a bigger house as DP pays so much to his ex. So until we can do that we have to make the best of what we have for him.

We have tried to keep saying to him that he will see his mummy soon but it usually ends up with him screaming more and saying he wants to see her now. It can take about an hour or more to calm him down.

We're trying all kinds of things to see what might work the best really.

He has come into the bed with us if he is upset, which is fine, however he never wants to go to sleep and just wants to play and this is usually at about 3am so not practical to stay up and play really.

[thinkingkindly]

Woozle, if he is crying for that long you just have to ride out the storm and work on your own feelings about it - if you and DP stay calm it will help.

Where does he sleep if you are in a one-bedroomed home? If it is in your bedroom, you could get a screen so that he has a little space that is his own - that is the key thing, I think. I bought DSS his own Thomas Tank duvet etc (awful cotton, but he loved it) and always had his slippers by the door so that he could come in and change shoes. Often had a comic or small gift on his bed for him to find. I think that small details help children to feel at home.

Brilliant thought from mj about having him at yours on nights when the ex wants to go out. It will help your DP increase his access, and it will be less disruptive to you both. But if he is struggling, this might be something to introduce a bit later.