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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Anyone out there have no contact with your DSCs but your DP/DH still does?

20 replies

loveitwhenyouoooh · 01/04/2011 20:19

Pretty much as the title says really. Has anyone got DSCs but you dont see them even though your DP/DH does? Can this even work? Where do they have contact? Away from the home or when your out? If you have DCs do they see them or not?

In case you cant tell am having a major dilemma at the moment...

OP posts:

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Petal02 · 02/04/2011 09:09

Can you give us a little more detail?

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RhiRhi123 · 02/04/2011 10:03

Unless there is a good enough reason i don't really think this acceptable IMO. More detail would b helpful tho :)

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thinkingkindly · 02/04/2011 10:12

I know of someone who does this. Rich DH maintains a separate home where he sees the DSCs. DH and DW now have two DCs - she has not met the DSCs and nor have the DCs. All to do with the ex. Very very weird. Would only work if you were very wealthy and able to compartmentalise your life to an extreme. I would think the DCs would have the biggest problem with it in years to come.

A better option would be to minimise contact btw you and the DSCs - so they come to yours, you say hi, and then you go out etc.

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Woozlemum · 02/04/2011 16:49

When DP and I first got together I (understandably) wasn't allowed to meet DSC until the ex felt comfortable and thought our relationship was serious enough (i.e. dont want DSC to get attached to someone who might leave too). For a time DP was having his time with his son over at hers, because she didn't want him to be at ours, whether I was there or not. After a while she didn't like it as obv was not nice for her to be around DP as she was still upset about them splitting. Eventually she let him have DSC at ours, but I had to not be there. It was wintertime and he couldn't keep being outside with DSC all the time if he couldn't be at ours or at hers.

When they came to ours I was usually out of the house, or if I couldn't be (as Saturdays is an all day visit) I would lock myself in the bedroom and have to text DP to have the coast clear to go to the loo! Not ideal, not a nice feeling to be locked up in my own home for fear of a 2 year old finding me. Almost had a moment where I was discovered when I forgot to lock the door after a loo trip and just managed to dive under the covers as he opened the door!

Eventually when the ex was happy we met at the playground, I stood on the sidelines and watched them play for a bit until he wanted to play with me. After the initial shyness he was soon getting me to push him on the swing etc. Then we had him over and I played in the house with him etc. Eventually working up to a full day/day out together.

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thinkingkindly · 02/04/2011 20:50

Woozle that is so ridiculous and controlling of the ex. You and DH should not have gone along with that - but I understand why you did.

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Woozlemum · 02/04/2011 20:56

Oh I know, it was pretty mental but I didn't want to go behind her back/against her wishes and meet DSS without her permission. Poor DP really wanted me to meet him but rules are rules. I couldn't let him keep wandering around out in the cold trying to find things to do with him, or paying a fortune going to soft play places every time.

Worst moment I think was when my sister came around to pick up some furniture and I had to talk to her through the bedroom window and throw the garage keys down to her so she could do it herself as I couldn't come out!

DP had told his ex about our arrangements but she said 'Tough, not my problem.'

sigh

But on the upside it was only for 6 months (well technically only three months as it took her about three months to let DSS come to our house). And once DSS met me, every time he came over I was always the first thing he asked about lol. 'Is Woozlemum here today?' This morning I wasn't feeling too good so was spending a bit more time in bed, DP told DSS I was having a bit of extra sleep this morning and DSS immediately wanted to make me a Get Well Soon card.

Little things like that make it all worth it!

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littlemisslost · 02/04/2011 21:00

yes I have no contact with dsc and havent done for last 3 years. dh and our dd see him for one weekend each month at the grandparents house. I think it can work but it does make things difficult and creates a real split in the family. especially at christmas etc

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lookbutdonttouch · 04/04/2011 13:40

yep - for years. Only just moving forward with 'the situation' now. It sucks. DP would see them at parents or at ex house, like two lives. Not sure it helped anyone but the ex. DP been involved with my child from early on in our relationship.
However now moving on and boy is it scary.
What is your sitation loveitwhenyou?

Hi by they way - have been lurking and just built up courage to post.

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Magicjamas · 04/04/2011 14:04

This reply has been deleted

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Magicjamas · 04/04/2011 14:19

This reply has been deleted

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loveitwhenyouoooh · 05/04/2011 13:59

Sorry for taking so long to get back on here.

Background is: DP and I been together 7 years. He has 3 DCs (aged late teens/early twenties) and we have 2 young DCs together. At the beginning I had a good relationship with his DCs but over time they began to resent me (they feel I have taken their dad and that he has chosen me over them). At their hands we have suffered abusive texts, nuisance phone calls, hate campaigns on social networking sites, shouting and screaming in our garden late at night, paintball attack on our house, broken window, pellet gun attack on next doors house (probably meant for us) and (worst of all IMO) death threats against our then 10month old DC.

Shortly after this all came to a head they decided to cut all contact with us which lasted almost a year. Although my heart broke for DP I have to say that year without them was absolute bliss. No stress, no worrying any time we went to my parents for weekend in case something was done to our house, no tensing up every time the phone went, just peace. DP was a lot more relaxed too without the hassle though I know it hurt him not to see them.

Now all of a sudden they want back into our lives. I just want to know when enough is enough. I feel I have tried and tried and tried and get nothing but abuse and problems in return. Its a never ending pattern of us doing all the running to keep them happy and when we fail they throw a strop and cut contact with us. Do I have to put up with it forever? How will I explain to our DCs when they are old enough to understand? When is it the DSCs turn to make the effort? I would never stop DP seeing them but I know if I say DCs and I are having no contact that things will blow up again and they will probably stop speaking to DP too.

I will never be able to trust them alone with DCs (after death threats) and one of them has recently been arrested for drugs offences (and is apparently not the only one in their household involved) so they obviously have some pretty nasty friends. I keep trying to look at things from all points of view (myself, DP and his kids) but all I can come back to is my DCs safety is my priority.

Sorry tried to make that short but once I started couldnt stop...

OP posts:

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thinkingkindly · 05/04/2011 17:17

OP, 'my DCs safety is my priority'

Nobody on this part of mn would disagree with you on that one. I think it is best if your DH re-establishes contact and you take things from there. No reasonable person would expect you to welcome them back into your life as if nothing had happened. But it may be that in time, you do feel you can trust them enough to try again.

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NotActuallyAMum · 07/04/2011 13:50

OP, apart from the fact that we have no children, we had very similar from my husband's daughter before she disappeared out of our lives just over 3 years ago and I can say for absolute definite that she will never come back into my life again. DH will of course do whatever he wants to do, with my blessing either way, should she ever decide to contact him (we don't know where she lives)

You matter too, never forget that. You being you and your children

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emjanedel · 07/04/2011 21:48

I at the moment don't see SD. She tells her dad everytime she sees him that she doesn't want to see me for varoius reasons. The more we have discussed the fact that DP is back in court in 5 weeks and she still cries everytime my name is mentioned means that unfortunatly we cannot see contact progressing for a long time. To be honest i have given up. She is the one missing out BUT she does see her dad and that is all that is important. It has taken me a long time to see that i only have to do what i want to do (funny cos thats what everybody else does) and i am going to enjoy my DD and have a minimal relationship with SD. I have been called every cow under the sun by DP's family but i don't want the hassel.

My advice to OP is do what you want to do. They have to bend to you don't agree to anything you don't want to - your babies are your babies do what you want xxxxxxxxxxxx

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theredhen · 08/04/2011 08:34

If they're late teens/early twenties, surely they don't really need "official" contact. Couldn't DP just take them out to dinner now and again, go shopping with them or even run them about to parties etc, meaning he gets time with them, but it doesn't intrude on you and DC's.

I don't think you are wrong at all to want to protect your children and keep them away from the DSC if they are as bad as you say.

Will DP back you up if you say you don't want you or DC to have contact?

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loveitwhenyouoooh · 08/04/2011 22:58

Thanks for the replies. Good to see there are others in similar positions too and lovely to be reminded that step-parents have rights too. :)

DP is accepting of me not wanting to see DSCs. He didn't say much when I said I wanted our DCs to have nothing to do with them either but he is generally pretty non-confrontational and will do anything to avoid an argument (to the extent of ignoring major issues). He's a head in the sand type unfortunately...

I know that in an ideal world he would love for both his families to get on well and be able to spend time together but sadly that is impossible at the moment and unlikely in future unless there are major changes in the behaviour and attitude of the DSCs.

I think I will leave it to him to rebuild his relationship with the DSCs and see where things go from there. I am no longer going to waste energy making an effort unless I see some in return so will wait and see how things work out for him.

Thanks everyone :)

OP posts:

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Anushka11 · 11/04/2011 11:17

Oh god- we're having this with DPs children ATM, much earlier on in relationship, and we will never have children together (too old, and too many already, lol)- his DC are 18, 15, 13, and they are SO jealous of me, and really resent any time he spends with me, also saying he chooses me over them etc. Doesn't help that I have a 4yo who adores DP, they are very resentful of him, also, and of my older DCs (17,14).
DP ATM totally compartmentalises his life, I have met his DC, but there is no actual "interface" now.

It is really causing problems for us (me?)- DP also is quite non-confrontational and wants to avoid argument, but I do think this is making things worse rather then better, he will jump at anything they say/ want, and will not confront them over their attitude, hoping that they will "work it out themselves" and "get used to the idea"- which of course they don't. For them, this is just fine as it is!
He say he wants things to improve,and says it is tearing him to pieces, yet is not prepared to challenge them. I am starting to think that 10 years down the line, this is still going to be an issue!

I find it realy upsets me, and find DPs attitude of preferring to mess me around rather then telling them something is inconvenient, and allowing them to ignore me and talk bad about me and my DCs behind our backs quite disrespectful.

Do you think there is anything that can be done to improve things, or do I just have to cop it and learn to live with it (or not)? How do you cope with it?

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IngridBergman · 11/04/2011 11:31

I'm on the other side of it. Ds sees his father here at our house for two hours once a month.

I don't want ds to meet his father's new wife because his father told me that she has enormous issues with his children, and has driven the older two away so that they never visit. I said I wasn't happy for ds to meet her, and we agreed his father would see him here.

It's not a problem, apparently. They have no children together, but she has some who are older. My child hasn't met any of his step sisters or brothers. Maybe one day.

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Anushka11 · 11/04/2011 11:54

forgot to say, DP sees his DC twice in the week all evening, and 1 day every weekend all day- so not as if they don't see him regularly/ without me!
The change has been that he used to spend both Sat AND Sun at his ExW place, and now they only get 1 day a weekend, and not at her place, mostly.
I understand that they want to see both parents all weekend, but she has "new" long-term partner who frequently stays at hers on WE, so bit awkward anyway, and had not happened so much due to that before we even started going out.
They have been seperated 10 yrs, btw. He did not live locally for a while, but has done for last 6 yrs and has not had GF since moved back (other then me!).

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loveitwhenyouoooh · 12/04/2011 22:04

Hi Anushka - a lot of what you say rings bells with me - DP and his ex split years before i met him, he had girlfriends before me but none that met his kids. They were used to getting his full attention as and when they wanted (even though their mother always had boyfriends and it wasnt a problem).

Also with the non-confrontational DP!! Aargh! I'm sure mine causes more problems that way. Rather than tell the DSCs why I dont want them to see our DCs yet and that he wants to build his relationship with them first he has been making excuses why they cant, eg that our DCs are sick, tired, etc. Lies always get caught out and it just makes things worse... He will never just tell them that they are out of order/behaving badly/etc so they carry on doing it.

At the moment I am dealing with it by having nothing to do with them at all. Not asking DP about them after he has spoken to them or anything. I listen if he tells me but am biting my tongue big style not to comment about anything. Its hard but I'm just focussing on my DCs at the moment.

Good Luck! I hope things get better for you :)