im so tired of fighting

[stressedatbest]

I'm sorry this is long, I hope you'll bear with me. I am not a step mum, my dd has one. I hope you don't mind me posting here, I just need some persepectve. She's 3.5, has had a stepmum for over 3 years ( ex left soon after she was born) I found it hard to share my daughter, was reeling from being left alone and we had a rocky start, but by the time dd was a year, I had tried to get over it all, invited new gf to dd birthday, send christmas presesnts etc.
Despite this, Ex and now wife were very overbearing with my dd from day one, I've always tried to reason with them, explain that it upset me, They said I should be grateful - and I was (still am) but i can't get them to see it from my pov. Stepmum has very little dealings with me, I'll text about things regarding my DD, but she often doesnt reply, despite agreeing to be more communicative with me.

Ex does nothing, apart from tell me to get life,
The whole early years of DD's life have been dominated by them - family portraits of them on their walls when DD was only 6mo, walking down the aisle holding my dd in her arms on her wedding day, dd was only 22 mo:(
(nothing I can do about that, but still hurts) being really picky about tiny things, ie, how i feed my dd, her childminders were not good enough, nurseries not good enough, her shoes, her weight, you name it, even told my childminder to drop her afternoon bottle without telling me. On more than one occasion she pulled my dd out of my arms when she collected her. She refers to me as 'she' - never ever gives me my name. I was at the recieving end of a complaint fromt them at least once a week. I was at a really low ebb, let my DD spend more time there than I was happy with, ie, 3 nights a week for about a year, which i regret as they kept a diary on it all. (not sure why). I actually felt like I wasnt coping and they knew it. I was alone with DD until moving in with partner last month and I can say with my hand on my heart I feel like im still struggling to hold onto my DD. We have patches where stepmum is fine, friendly enough etc, then others where I can barely believe how i get pushed out of the picture. I believe so much of this is my fault because I let them do it from the beginning and now that I'm stonger, they wont have it. I tried last year ( via text - ex doesnt 'talk') to get his wife to treat me with more respect. I didn't call her any names, simply said I was not happy with how she treated me in front of DD (totally blanking me etc) She was furious that I had been texting him about her, said I did not have the right to 'automatic respect from her' and that she would always have a low opinion of me for as long as I complained about her to her husband. I could not get her to understand that I wouldnt have to 'complain' if she was decent to me. We did have a long talk however ( for the first time ever) and she agreed to communicate with me more - it lasted a month ( literally) and she went back to how she was. I'm stumped on what to do.They've just had a baby 2 weeks ago, I hoped and prayed it'd get better - it hasn't.

Examples of things she has done over the last 3 years are getting ex to hassle me about my DD's weight, insisting she needed to be taken to a paediatrician as she was 'obese'. ( she was 18mo) . She took dd for her 1st pair of shoes, went to my new childminders house to 'interview' her after I had already recruited her, getting my DD to call her parents 'grandma and grandpa' ( my dd is 3 - I'd rather these things happened naturally rather than being 'told' thats what they are called) . my parents dont live in this country, so consequently I have to persuade my dd that she has another set of grandparents:(. The list is endless really.

Last week stepmum collected my dd from school, spoke to her teachers about upcoming events and learned that a costume was needed for the day after, Rather than ask me if it was sorted, she went home and made one ( and it was briliant) therefore leaving the one I had sat up making the night before competely redundant. I actually cried over that, pathetic eh? I complained, ex told me to stop texting him over pathetic things. What do I do when my role as a mother just doesnt matter?
I feel so worn down, I really do. The lastest event is I was informed that a school play my dd is in will be attended by stepmum. Neither me or my ex can go due to work, but it hurts me so much to think that stepmum is there in 'loco parentis', talking to her teachers, getting involved with it all. I just dont understand why she needs to go, I really dont, my partner would never do things like this - ever. Im pretty sure you might say its in my DD's interest to have her there, but thats the thing - I dont actually believe its entirely for my dd, but rather point-scoring. I complained, but was told again to go away. My dd visits one night mid week,( on the epecific day they requested) but they often hang on to school lettters and ive almost missed an event because of it. My ex is a weak man, a good dad, but weak and willing to do whatever for an easy life.

I dont know what to do, I've tried to get on with them, invite them to DD's parties, sent presents for new baby, christmas present for whole family including her son, even invited her parents to dd party last year. I send fathers day presents from day one ( ive had one card in 4 years) and I generally try to accomodate them when I can. To be fair to them, they helped a lot in the early years, but I paid a very high price for that help.
I want to make it crystal clear that I appreciate the care she gives my dd, have told her that many times - but I cant get her to stop pushing me out of the picture. Other than 'just get on with it', please tell me what I can do?

Is there anything you can think of? I honestly feel ill at that i will lose my dd to them in one way or another:(

sorry for the length of this:(

[WinterLover]

oh no she sounds horrible :( I wish DPs exW gave me 10% of what you've given her.

It sounds to me like she's insecure over you. How is your DD about her? You may find she's over the top to on lookers but behind the closed doors she is very different.

I don't know what to suggest for you to do, but she's definately taken advantage of your good nature.

[nenevomito]

Well I'm a step-mum and am very sorry to hear that you have to deal with someone who is disrespectful to you.

There are certain boundaries that you don't cross - getting your child her first shoes, for example. To be fair, it sounds like your ex doesn't respect you either. Fair play to you for rising above it for the sake of your daughter.

Do you think mediation would help? Having somewhere neutral where you can talk to Ex and SM in a controlled environment?

[Woozlemum]

Hi - I'm a stepmum of a DSS aged 3. I think she is really out of line for taking over the way she has.

I dont have any contact with my DP's ex, as I think it should be her choice if she wants to speak to me, see me as I can understand it hurts to see me with the man she once loved. I can also understand completely how hard it was for her to let me meet her son and spend time with him. I waited until she was ready for that, spending each Saturday either out of the house or locked in the bedroom yep I actually had a lock on the inside so I could lock myself in to stop him from finding me!

I always try to think about things from her point of view, and while we (DP and I) might not always agree with her way of doing things (like how she doesn't seem to care if he throws his toys around or damages things that belong to other people etc) we have rules for our house and he understands that. (Not vastly different but we do want to keep our house as damage free as poss!)

I would never dream of muscling in on the 'mum' type things. We do try and share things out equally - like last year he was in a local parade with his nursery and they had to dress up. His mum asked if DP could make his costume and that was fine - the three of us did it and he looked great. They both walked with him in the parade while I stood on the sidelines and took photos.

I think your ex is being pretty unreasonable to tell you to get over it as it's not just a simple thing. I know to some men they dont always see how things like that can affect you. I know there have been times where DP has put me and his ex in a bit of an uncomfortable position and I've had to point it out to him that I didn't like it too much or that his ex might have not enjoyed having to come here to pick up DSS when he said he didn't want to go home one day.

Is it possible to meet with her without the ex and without your DD to speak over coffee and to just explain how you are feeling. Do start off with the positives, like 'You're doing a great job, I really appreciate everything you do for DD etc' and explain that there are some things it hurts to not be able to do, or have no say in, when she is your DD. That you would appreciate being consulted in some decisions, that things would be much better if the three of you cooperate, work as a team, rather than undermining each other over DD - almost like trying to win her over.

It's tough, I know there are times when I wish DSS was mine, but he isn't. I love him very much and it was fantastic (and still is) when he tells me he loves me. I want to do as much as I can for him and provide a stable and loving environment for him, but that doesn't mean I want to replace his mum at all. Sometimes it is hard to not automatically want to do that, and I often feel guilty for wanting to have kids of my own with DP so I can actually feel like a real mum and do real mum things, and always at the back of my head I worry about how the ex would feel whenever I do eventually get pregnant.

DP and I are getting married in 6 months time, and I would never dream of having wedding picks holding DSS unless he wanted to be in them.

If she doesn't want to talk about it like an adult, then it might be worth having mediation - the three of you - to try and talk things out in a neutral environment. Perhaps try to get her to think of things if she was in your shoes.

I really do wish you the best of luck. It is nice to hear someone who comes from the other side of the fence so to speak, as I often feel like DP's ex thinks I am a wicked SM, but I think that's just my own insecurities of doing a good enough job!

[stressedatbest]

Thanks so much for the speedy replies. The thing is..I've tried loads to 'get her on side'. The time when we had a long talk, I really laboured the point that I appreciated her, we needed to communicate etc. She agreed, then promptly carried on. I just cannot understand, how as a mother of two herself, she still devotes so much energy to trying to whitewash me out of the picture. The trouble is - she rarely does anything directly, she prefers to get ex to speak to my cm, teachers, hassle me, complain, text etc. I absoloutely know its all driven by her because, well I know my ex and the things he is coming out with are just not 'him'. From the very beginning of my dd's life she has had her calling her son 'brother' and her parents 'grandparents'. There was no easing things in gently, no waiting - it was all done within months. They'd moved in together by the time dd was 6mo, married when she was 22mo, I never said a word about it all, but It just felt to me that they were running around 'ticking boxes' like craz. When I complain about being pushed out, ex tells me I should be grateful. Stepmum told me last year that I 'need to stop being thinking about myself and put my dd first. This was in response to me asking her to stop pushing me out. I was dumbstruck at the way her mind works - she believes me to be selfish when they bulldozed their way through the first two years of her life with no regards for how it wold affect her. I wish it didnt bother me, but I hate they have such a low opinion of me - I'm worried that it will somehow get through to my dd.

I know that there have been times when I've been so keen to get them on side, show them im not a bad person, that I've 'acted' like im seeking their approval, agreed to things I wasnt happy with. She knows this because she said herself that she would never have a positve impression of me. My own mum has said that I act like I have something to prove to them, seem insecure about my parenting, and that they feed off it and behave the way they do. For this reason, I think that meeting with her wouldnt work. My parents have got very annoyed over the years, believed me to 'lying down underneath them', think i need to get angry for once to get the message across. I hate the idea of that, im not a saint and have got angry in the past, but usually through text.:(

[fairystepmother]

I am a stepmum and I have to say that she is crossing the line way to much. It's lovely for her to want to be so active in your DD's life, but she is NOT her mother and she needs to learn that. How you go about teaching her that is tricky I must admit. I think you just need to keep plugging away at building a relationship with her.
Some of the things she doing - my god I feel like I'm cross the line doing some of those things (school concerts) even though my SS's bio-mum has passed away!!

You mention they have their own child now? Well that might play into your hands a little. With her own little one on the scene she might find herself more preoccupied and will have less time for your DD?

[stressedatbest]

Her own dd was born two weeks ago, she has shown no signs of letting up:(

[ladydeedy]

but your DD has been spending 3 nights a week there for a year, if I have read correctly (sorry if I have misread that), therefore she really is having to do a lot of "mum" things and why not? She is caring for your DD. You say your ex is doing the contacting - that's as it should be, as he is the father of your DD. I am sorry but I disagree a bit here, why should they not have a picture of them on their wedding day with your DD being in her arms? You say you have issues "sharing" your daughter.

I also agree (and shoot me down anyone) that no-one has the right to automatic respect from another person, who-ever you are or whatever you do. We get this all the time from my DH's ex saying we must respect her because she is the mother of the children. That's nonsense. Respect has to be earnt and there is no guarantee. It's earnt by one's actions and behaviours, it's not linked to a particular role.

Do you think that counselling might help you - do you think you have self-esteem problems? It sounds like that might be what you are struggling with (in part) from what you say about the recent past when you were at a low ebb, and comments from your parents. I'm not sure that getting angry will be very productive but it might be helpful to learn some techniques around positive conversations and being assertive, without being aggressive. Good luck.

[Woozlemum]

While I agree that respect has to be earned, I think we also earn respect (as stepmum's) by showing respect to the mother of our stepchildren.

I know everyone's situation is different, I know that there are ex partners who are vile, not good parents (both mothers and fathers alike), just as there are some exes who are lovely. It is sad to see exes at war over their children because of the unhappiness over their own relationship breakdown, which has nothing to do with the kids.

And I know from being the stepmum that there is that insecurity on my side of the fence of trying to be a good role model, trying not to cause trouble, trying not to interfere with the continuing relationship between my DP and his ex as loving parents to their son. Just as I know my DP's ex has insecurities about handing over her son to be looked after by someone else who she might not necessarily like very much.

Perhaps now she has a young baby herself it would be worth trying to talk again and ask her to consider how she would feel if her and your ex split up and he met someone else and she had to be made to feel the way you have been?

And yes, there is that bit of being the better person and not letting it get petty and not causing extra ructions. And yes if your DD spends 3 nights a week with them, it is tough to not get more involved with the 'mum' kind of things when you spend a considerable amount of time with them, but I still think that she needs to actually stop and think about what she is doing.

I appreciate that desire to want to make everything 'right' when you first spend time with a stepchild, and it takes self control and respect to slow down and take things a step at a time.

Some people, unfortunately, perhaps without realising it, are selfish and dont always consider if what they are doing is really the best for all concerned. It might have undertones of jealousy/anger etc or it might just be an unconscious route of some insecurities.

Or she is just a bitch, either or.

x

[stressedatbest]

Ladydeedy, thanks for the response, but what I actually said was that for around a year of my dd's life (i.e, 1-2yo) she often (but not always spent 3 nights there. It has now returned to 2 nights. One mid week visit, one weekend visit. The reason she was going there so often was not really by agreement, just me feeling browbeaten by them. The criticism from them really was relentless. I'd also like to add that I did not say it was wrong to have pictures on their wedding day. I said she walked down the aisle to meet her husband holding my baby daughter. Bit of a difference.

How much more respect would I have to give her, do you reckon, before I earned hers? Honest question.

[stressedatbest]

ps, I also didnt say I had issues sharing my daughter. I said I found it hard at the beginning. ( who wouldn't? Having my newborn taken from me for overnights at their new pad is pretty damn hard) Throw in a barrage of put-downs and you could see how it would knock someones confidence as a new mum.

[Woozlemum]

I think the respect thing kind of harks back to my point that some people really dont seem to have a clue about how their actions make other people feel. To her perhaps she thinks she is respecting you by helping out so much and then because she isn't really helping out in the way that (I personally) think is the right way, that she has become resentful that you aren't happy.

Some people are controlling and domineering with partners, children, stepchildren, relationships with partners exes - and sometimes, without being shown what they are really doing, they will always be like that.

If it were me and you had come to talk to me about it, I would have felt horrified that I'd 'taken over' so much and would really try to turn things around - because that's what I am like. I certainly wouldn't feel like you were trying to cause problems or being resentful.

I think you have had to deal with an awful lot. I know it must be so hard to relinquish your child for part of the time, albeit to her father, but esp at a young age. The put downs are completely unreasonable.

I know my DP's ex was really upset when they split. He wasn't happy, hadn't been for a long time. Was sleeping in another room etc and when he eventually left she was very upset and angry. Not that he didn't love her anymore, but that he had seemingly left her to bring their son up alone. Which has never been his intention, never wanted to be a part time Dad, never thought he would be. Hates being a part time Dad but knows that it was better to not be with her pretending everything was ok when it wasn't, just to be there all the time for the sake of his son. When they can be apart, but both love their son to bits and do whatever they both can for him. I've always tried to be mindful of her thoughts and feelings and have always tried to put myself in her shoes. Yes there are times when I feel that she is being unreasonable about some things, but the majority of the time things run smoothly.

Some people have the ability to consider other people, some dont. I really dont know what else to suggest other than maybe try to talk to your ex, write to him, dont get petty, stick to the point, say things in reasonable terms, try not to get too emotive about things.

And defo not right for her to have walked down the aisle carrying your DD, and I think that and the other things she have been doing are really not appropriate. I could understand trying to make things more 'normal' and 'family like' if you weren't on the scene anymore, but you most definitely are and in my opinion she needs to take a good look at herself and how her actions could be affecting your DD.

x

[theredhen]

I don't know what advice to give you but as a Mother (and a single one for many years) I can see exactly why you are so upset.

I wonder why she feels the need to "take over" so much? I suspect her own self esteem is not as high as you might think. Maybe she is trying to earn some sort of approval from your ex. What was he like when he was with you?

I honestly believe the best way to be a step parent is to see it as a supporting role, a step mum is not the childs mother, but is the fathers partner/wife and therefore has a duty to support him in bringing up his children. It is not a step mums role to communicate all the time with the Mum, this is down to the father. But I do think that trying to encourage a good relationship between step mum and mum is a good thing.

I feel because you don't have your parents around, they are bullying you because you don't have support around you to stand up to them.

The thing with the costume was not silly and you every right to be upset. I know I would have been very angry.

Your daughter is your daughter and you are her Mum. You have the right to make decisions for her just as much as her Dad (and at the risk of being flamed, I would say more so) especially as she lives with you the majority of the time.

[stressedatbest]

Thanks to all of you for responses. I think redhen, you are right that they take advantage of my lack of support in the area. I know for a fact my ex would not have nearly half as much parental confidence as he has now, had it not been for his wife pushing him all the time. She is able to do a lot of childcare and so he is often able to 'have DD for me without much notice - I on the other hand didnt have that luxury.
He is only able to be the way he is because he has had the full support of her and her family. He used to always be commenting on every aspect of my life, and although he has been better recently, when I challenged him via text today on why his wife needed to attend the school play in our place, he responded (mostly telling me to get a life) but also commening that he wasnt happy with all the 'people' around our dd. He must have been referring to my friends, of which I have lots of now, thanks to my partner and they are often in our house when they collect dd/drop her off. They are all professional lovely people, so have no idea what he is on about, but it will yet again another attempt to make me feel bad, and it has. Its been playing on my mind all day, that he's insinuating I have unsavoury people around my dd. The fact that me and my partner have lots of friends, are sociable and like to go out, go away for weekends etc when dd is with them, has seen my ex swiping at me about it a number of times. Insinuating, never directly saying it, but always implying that im a crap mother, that somehow good parenting can only be measured in terms of how much you stay at home and save for a fitted kitchen.

When I was referring to stepmum not communicating with me, I am referring to something specific which I will explain. I don't expect her in any way to be the one who sorts the contact with me. When she and I had a talk last spring, we agreed that we would try to communicate more with each other for the sake of my dd, ie, arranging things between us if she was the one collecting dd. This went fine for about a month, then she stopped, just like that. I'm left feeling like an idiot, sending her messages about pick ups/dd's lunchbox etc, to which she doesn't reply. I feel she is an extremely controlling woman. When we had this talk, I asked her to lay on the table why her and my ex were always picking holes in my parenting. She came out with things like they didnt agree with my dd still having a dummy, the fact that she still used a pram (my dd was 2.9) and thought that being 'raised' in a different way from them, would be confusing for my dd. I was dumbstruck, asked her to go and get a bit of persepective on things, that I was a good mum in the ways that really mattered, and not the tripe they used to make me feel bad.

I am at a total loss as to what to do. I admit that if I had of been consulted beforehand, or that she was generally nicer to me, I might not take such exception to her showing up at my dd's play next week, but I can't help how I feel. I hate that she will be there, with her own newborn child, cheering my dd on, doing the things that I cant,and sticking two fingers up to the fact that I dont want her there. I cannot recall a time when I have ever objected to something of this nature, and they reasoned with me, or backed off. Ex simply tells me to go away, and they carry on regardless:(

With the issue of her costume for example, I tried to point out to ex, that had his wife simply text me as we agreed that she would, she would not have had to go and make one. He said she 'assumed' I wouldnt have known about it and I should be grateful. ( another insight into her low opinion of my mothering skills). Can anyone here seriously tell me that collecting my child from school, going home and launching straight into making a costume without checking the mother hasnt covered it, is an ok thing to do? is that really in my dd's interests? :(

[ladydeedy]

Regarding the school play, is she taking the place of one of your friends who intends to go with you and your partner? Or is she taking the place of you or your partner? Sorry, just want to be clear..

[stressedatbest]

Neither my ex or his wife enquired whether I'd be going or not. They are not interested if I'm able to go or not. I just recieved a text from dd's father to say he couldnt go, but his wife would be.

[stressedatbest]

thanks again for the responses, I appreciate them. Woozlemum - 'controlling' - so true:(

[ladydeedy]

what's wrong with that? why should she not go?

[stressedatbest]

Ladydeedy, if I was able to go. is it still ok for stepmother to go there? the parents are being asked to help out ( its more of a 'procession than a play) . Are you seriously telling me she should go there in that role? because she would...and even I do manage to go, this woman would not step back. She would take what she believes to be her rightful place, straight to my dd, and I would take a back seat, no mistake. We are not talking about a senstive woman with enough common sense to know how these things should go. believe me.

[theredhen]

There is one thing going to the play as a spectator, another thing taking over the Mum's role when the Mum is there.

What do the school think?

[stressedatbest]

I only recently spoke to the head teacher about things, and the only reason I did that at all was because I was so upset about the costume thing. She was very supportive, but what can she do? It's not like I can ban stepmother from there, and it shouldn't have to end up that way anyway. The stepmum has an elevated sense of entitlement to my daughter, and o don't always believe her intentions are in my dds interests- the costume thingy for example served my child no purpose whatsoever. When I pointed out to her in the past that I was trying to reach out to her by inviting her to my dds first birthday in my house, (despite still being devastated at what happend) - she replied that ' I was not doing her a favour, it was her right to be there considering the time she spends on my dd). I can't seem to reason with someone who thinks like this.

[Namechangearamanama]

It seems that some of the things she does are seriously crossing the line but because of that you are blowing a lot of other things out of proportion...

IMO if your ex wants your child there half of the time he should be allowed that. I also don't see why the family portrait is a problem.

I agree with ladydeedy that you may benefit from some self esteem coaching. It might help you sweat the small stuff less and give you power to assert yourself over the big stuff - which, don't get me wrong, is there! Some of the stuff she's doing is plain weird!

[stressedatbest]

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Namechange, can I ask - what do you mean about being allowed to be with ex half the time? Do you mean ex should be allowed to have a 50-50 arrangement with DD? ( not sure i raised that as an issue in this post, but im curious to know what you mean and grateful for your input)

[Namechangearamanama]

Sorry, only that one of the things you listed that had annoyed you was that your DD was there for 3 nights a week. I don't see anything wrong with a father having 50/50 custody if that's what he wants. That's all I meant.

There were a few things that I thought about.. Such as the step mum going to the school play. Originally I thought it was ridiculous, I mean, if my DD's step mum turned up at the school play Id be really cross because I'd be there and I'm her mum. But if I wasn't going, and neither was her dad I'd be happy that her step mum was there for her rather than no one...

I personally think that as hard as it is (and beleive me I know how it feels) you need to come to terms with the fact that your DD has a relationship with this woman. It's harder for you because the dosey mare won't see you or speak to you so she is just some shadowey creature lurking in the corner, but as she is clearly a bit odd you need to be the bigger person I'm afraid. She does have a place in your DD's life but it's obviously not that of Mummy - your DD will never, ever confuse her as that because it's such a special bond. But she is spending quite a bit of time with her, and doing lots of the laborious (sp?) crappy mum type things no doubt. It would be cruel to not allow her some of the glory too would it not?

[Woozlemum]

I still think there is a time and a place to do mumsy things with stepchildren without overstepping the mark. It is hard not to want to do things that make you feel more like their parent than a step-parent. Certainly it's better to love your stepchildren and want to be there and do things for them rather than some who do find it hard to love someone else's child and do things with them/for them without feeling resentful etc.

I think that no matter what your relationship is with your stepchildren's mother, you should still think about 'How would I feel in her shoes if I did X'

Yes it's good that there will be someone there at your DD's school play/parade, but I think it's not really that which is bothering you, it's the principle, the assumption that she has the automatic right to do certain 'mother' activities and that you are being unreasonable to be unhappy about it.

It's hard to know what else to suggest other than having a proper talk with her and / or your ex to explain your feelings. Might help to write things down to stick to the point and not go off on a tangent about any other issues and to remain reasonable. Perhaps draw up lists of things you find acceptable and unacceptable and discuss them with them?

[stressedatbest]

Just reading your responses and I know you're right, it's just so damn hard. I've really tried to rise above most things, but some things have just cut me to the quick:(

I'm thankful to all of you who've posted, if I'd wanted people to agree with my every word, I could've posted on any number of boards on this site, but I wanted to see things from the eyes of other step mums and to know if how I was feeling was normal. I think woozlemum has totally and utterley encapsulated my feelings entirely - it's the assumption that my dd's stepmum has the automatic right to do 'motherly' things, and that I'm unreasonable to be unhappy about it.
Its just not as simple to say I need to accept it- to do that would mean I continue to adopt a parenting model that dilutes my role as a mother. I'ts difficult to condense over 3 years on here, but I can honestly say that it's been more than most women could bear, and I've swallowed the majority of it in silence.

Its funny you know, you give birth to this little baby, this perfect little being that is everything you wished for, then fate decides that actually...it'll be a lot more compacted than you'd ever imagine.