Contact with my exes new wife

[IThinkImANiceEx]

My ex refuses to tell me anything about his soon-to-be wife. All I know is her first name, her profession and the name of her dog. And the address they now live at.
My ex loathes me, despite he being the one that had an affair and left. We were in a bad place when this happened and I accept my part in the breakup of the relationship. But , four years on, I feel no animosity towards him and wish we could all exist happily alongside each other in a friendly way.
I want to properly meet his new wife, so far it has just been a handshake at a child's nativity. I am not expecting her to be my best friend, or even a friend, but for us to have a warm relationship that respects both of our involvement with the children. I know she won't like some of the decisions I make/am making because she is on the 'side' of my ex, but does that have to affect our relationship?
Apparently she doesn't want to meet me and my ex refuses to give me her telephone number, which I have requested in case of emergency. She sometimes has sole care of the children whilst he is doing something with one of the others.
Am I totally nieve in wanting a good relationship with her? How can I demonstrate to her that I have no animosity towards her, I am pleased about their relationship as it gives stability to the children and I would like her to see me as part of her extended family, in the same way that I view her as part of mine. I just want us all to get along.

[Woozlemum]

Hi

I'm new on here and it's nice to see an Ex who wants to get on with the stepmum. I'm a stepmum myself and dont have any relationship at all with my partners ex. I know it can be hard when one person doesn't seem to want to talk about things properly and puts barriers up. Is is possible for you to write her a letter if you have her first name and address? I think your point about having no animosity towards her and pleased for the stability for the children etc is a good point to get across.

I do wish things could be more amicable with my DP and his ex as he really is a fantastic Dad and she is still very hurt that he left her. In her eyes he broke their committment to have a child together, whereas he'd not been happy for a long time and it was never taken seriously, even when he started to sleep in another room. I am always trying to think about things from her point of view and want to try and work together as a team - the three of us to make life as good as it can be for their son, but nothing we ever do is good enough because more than 18 months down the line she is still upset - which is understandable. But at what point can things get past that and start thinking about their son, and not just about how upset she is?

I would love it if I knew my DP's ex wanted to have some sort of amicable friendship with me. It would be weird at first, granted, given the past, but I would much rather know that we were being adults about everything for the benefit of their son and not just carrying on with petty point scoring.

Wish you the best of luck!

[emjanedel]

As a step mum - my contact with the ex is non-existent. IE at court she sits outside the building and only comes into the building when she is needed. The new partner may feel threatend that you and your partner have a good relationship - remember he was with you for X amount of time and you loved each other enough to have children. Let her come to you - for example for emergencies she needs your number but not vice versa. Keep being nice and kind to her, she is doing the same. You will get to the point where you can be friends but don't demand it - your best friend isn't your best friend cos you forced her is she? It was a relationship that grew. I wish you the best.

[HypeAversion]

How much contact do you realistically want to have with your ex's partner, what does your idea of a good relationship with her consist of?

I can see this from two sides, i am a stepmum to my df's child and my exh and father of my dd is now remarried. I have absolutely no contact at all with my df's ex, while my exh's wife is lovely. I personally see this as two different women's security levels, the df's ex didn't want their relationship to end and therefore dislikes me, while my exh's wife is totally secure within their relationship and has no reason to dislike me as i'm not a threat of any kind.

I do understand the wanting to know about the woman who is involved with your children, my exh went out on his first date with his now wife on the day that my dd and i moved out of the marital home, exh and i were in a bad place with each other at the time, he introduced dd and the gf after 2 weeks and i so wanted to know everything about her, i basically found it difficult to think another woman would be 'mothering' my child, even if i had had a formal meeting with her at the time (which he also said she didn't want to happen), i doubt (with the anger, hurt, etc) she would have been good enough in my eyes. I am almost 7 years down the line now, whilst i still don't know massive amounts about her, i know she is kind and decent to my daughter and is happy to talk to me when she sees me.

I think (unless given reason to otherwise) you need to put faith into your ex and his choice of partner and keep doing what you're doing, be polite and civil to her when you see her and just give it time, hopefully it will all come good. Good luck

[origamirose]

Interesting... I'm fairly new to all this. I have known my DPs children for over a year but I've never met their Mum. I'd like to have some kind of relationship with her not because I want a friendship but because I want the children to feel at ease talking about their life at Mum's with me and my DP. I don't think they do. My DP and I are struggling right now with what to do - do we leave it and hope it happens naturally over contact etc. or do we actively try to arrange something and risk the fall out (obviously keeping children out of it altogether)? (thoughts and views welcome)
OP - a friendship with your DP's ex is not always going to happen - too much water under the bridge and emotional upset that goes too deep for another partner to really grasp (harsh perhaps but probably true).

[fairystepmother]

First off can I say how nice it is to meet a Bio-Mum who wants to get along with the new wife. I wish my SS9's mum could have be like that!

After years of attempting to get to know her and being ignored I finally gave up and we had nothing to do with each other - I understand the frustration of trying, even though our situations are reversed.
Even when she was dying I offered to meet SS9's mum but she still didn't want to know me - even though I would be raising her child. To this day i don't understand that.

I think it's right that you get the chance to meet someone who cares for your child. I would feel the same.

But on the other side, your partner is a parent to this child and at some point you do have to let go and trust him to do the right thing and leave your child with appropriate people.

Don't expect too much - you are never going to be a friend of this woman, but wanting to meet her and know a little more about her. I do think that is more than understandable.

[thinkingkindly]

I think it is lovely you feel the way you do, OP, but she doesn't feel the same at the moment. So all you can do is be civil when you bump into together and avoid saying anything negative to your DCs that might get back to her.