I really can't do this anymore... how can I tell them?

[marriednotdead]

I can't dredge up enough energy to fight but I need to put me and my family first. Back story here and within that thread. Sorry if this is long.

DSS is 14, has lived with us for over 2 years, and creates havoc wherever he goes.
He's still not in mainstream school, we've been turned down for a statement and he has no place at the end of this academic year. The police know him too well although he has yet to be caught doing anything, but it's only a matter of time.

The rows about his defiant behaviour are daily so DH has become a bitter and angry man who snaps at me and can see no pleasure in life. I had a small op in hospital last week and declined an early discharge because I knew I would be coming home to a warzone

The night after I came home I lost it after listening to them yet again, and told them both that I was upset that DH couldn't even care for me properly as he was consumed with all the drama. I fled to bed in tears with DH telling DSS that I would end up leaving him
Nothing changed, the shouting continued.

On Friday I woke to find DSS packing to leave. I asked him where he was going, he said 'never mind'. I sat with him and explained that he couldn't go like that, and that until another adult took responsibility for him, we had to know where he was or we'd have to report him missing. I hugged him, we talked for ages, and he told me not to try and make him stay again; he never wanted to be here in the first place.

I rang DH to tell him, and advised him to call SS. They'd closed the case despite our requests, and put him onto the duty social worker. After a few calls she rang back to say DSS's mum had offered share care 'to ease our burden'. As she's the cause of most of the problems, that's like offering an alcoholic keys to the pub!

Today DH was on the phone to SS again, telling them that he wants help, but that if DSS is given a foster placement that he will run away (so that won't work).

I realise that although I was devastated, I was relieved that DSS was going, and I'm gutted that he's still here. I know that sounds awful but walk a mile in my shoes...

I am going to have to be a cold hearted bitch and insist that he goes, even if it means foster care. I was ignored when I said it last summer, and it's worse now than ever. It's not fair on any of us, and my DCs deserve a life that doesn't resemble an episode of Jeremy Kyle. I am in tears over the slightest thing, and DH is oblivious to anything but his own pain.

I don't think he realises how determined I am to push this, and it's going to cause fireworks. He will only discuss it on his own terms ATM, so I envisage telling him at the same time I tell SS.

I almost want him to leave with DSS and right now I haven't got the energy to even care.

If you've got this far, well done. I hope you've got a large . It's times like this I wish I drank alcohol.
Any thoughts, comments, virtual shakes gratefully received...

[WkdSM]

I was in exactly the same position, except SS was actually physically threatening me and wanking in my (stolen) underwear.

Social Services were usless - their idea of a solution was for me to move out of our marital home and DH and SS to live together alone.

If you can possibly afford it - have you considered putting him in boarding school. There about 30 state boarding schools where you only pay for the boarding ( we paid around 10k per annum) and they often have child psychologists on hand to help. We did this and despite the money pressure (exwife would not pay any maintenance / towards the school) it was a great relief that we no longer had him permanently under our roof.

You are not alone.

[marriednotdead]

OMG. That's awful
I reposted in AIBU if you'd care to pop over