How can I change things? I just want to leave. Sorry - long post.

[KaceyMaybe]

Name change - pls don't out me!
I have DDs aged 4 and 18 months. SS aged 6 moved in with us a few months ago after his Mum died. (We used to have some weekends etc before). He was always annoying (no manners and happily argues with adults which I HATE!) but before it was small doses. Now every day I just want to walk out with my girls, but I can't let him lose another parent figure again, and DP would make it hard for me to go with my girls and I won't go without them.
DP and I have never been romance of the century but we were fine, IYKWIM. Anyway, SS has really just shown up all our flaws.
DP is so unrealistic and is hardly here due to working away so I feel like I have all this extra work but for someone I find hard to like (let alone love!). The thing is obviously I feel bad for him, he has had a hard life, and his behaviour is not his fault as he was just not taught these things, so I feel even more guilty that I don't like him.
I do everything for SS and try my best to do things with him and make sure he's happy, but DP gets very angry with me for not loving him or complaining that I find it so hard. I get the guilt trip of 'he's a little boy without a Mum' I KNOW! That fact alone doesn't make me love him though.
He is not naughty in a loud way, if that makes sense, but he is rude and disrespectful (this is not due to Mum passing, he has always has been the same), he will deliberately not do as asked, or lie etc and when he's told off (even just asking 'why didn't you do this... etc') he will cry and sulk for ages. Very frustrating, and DP doesn't realise it's even more frustrating when you don't have the unconditional love like you would for your own.
There is nothing particularly 'loveable' about him either. He is not funny or cute etc which can sometimes draw you to a child. Also he is very far behind in class and I spend ages helping him with reading and writing etc to bring him up. He is also so spolied, expects to be waited on hand and foot, and is greedy - really greedy and we are trying to keep his weight down as Mum used to give him bags of sweets and rubbish in order to keep him quiet so she could do internet dating. He cries about not getting food or tv etc.
I am ok on the practical parenting side, eg cooking healthy meals, limiting snacks and tv, bedtime routine and stories etc so it's not that thats my issue. I just need help on how to live in a house with a child I don't like, and don't know how to like, and how I get passed that. To be very honest (I expect to get flamed!) I just resent him being here as it just feels like I have this annoying child intruding on my little family, and I can't wait for him to go out so I can focus on my girls again. I honestly do want to get over this though as I really don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life and I don't want to fuck him up for life either.

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

I am a stepmum to twin 11 year old girls and although they don't live with us I do sympathise as I do clash with one of them quite a lot of the time.

Your DP is being unreasonable expecting you to feel the same about your SS as you do about your own DC. You cannot possibly feel the same about him. He is also expecting a lot of you to try and sort out his issues more or less single-handedly imo.

Does your DP back you up if you try and stop your SS speaking to you in a disrespectful way? Or is he scared to say much to him because of his mum dying and upsetting him more?

His bereavement is probably having a profound affect on his behaviour. He may well be playing up as a way of making sure he is taken notice of. Could you get him some bereavement counselling?

[KaceyMaybe]

We ( I mean I!) have arranged some child friendly therapy stuff for him. To be honest though he has always been the same ( part of the reason I worry about him is beacuse there has been NO change or upset since his Mum died so that can't be healthy)
DP will back me up sometimes but he does say I pick on him. I don't think I do, I mean I will always pick ANY of the DC up on not doing something or answering back. The thing is SS of course behaves better for DP than for me so when he hears what goes on when he's not here he thinks I've exaggerated or overreacted.
He will also blame DD1 for 95% of the arguments and when I try to explain that yes she was shouting, but it's because SS took something or was naughty first, he again says I'm picking on him and it's not fair cause he doesn't have a Mum to come and stand up for him! (SS is quiet but certainly not innocent and is older so should know better than her anyway). He also forgets that this is hard for her too as now she has to share all her toys and her room and her Mummy, but he doesn't really get it.

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

The therapy sounds like a good idea. Have you told your DP that you have seriously thought about leaving?

[KaceyMaybe]

I have, but he just brings on the guilt trip about him having lost one person already, and he pretty much knows I can't afford to leave (student). Plus the fight over the girls would be something I'm just not ready for right now.

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

Hope you can work through it. However, if you did decide the fact he works away a lot should make the situation with your girls a lot simpler with regards to custody.

[Beamur]

That sounds like a tough situation and credit to you for realising your shortcomings with this boy and wanting to do the right thing.
He is still very young and you are in a good position to be able to positively influence his behaviour regarding food and manners as presumably you are now in the role of primary carer.
Your DH needs to take some time out with this boy though, partly for his benefit but also to give you some space and time with the girls.
Its still early days for you all.

[Usedtobefun]

I married a widower who had 2 very young children and then went on to have 2 of my own with him. I have always struggled with my DSS who has always been a very difficult child and sometimes I do believe that it is not just dowm to her having lost her mother, I think she would have been a difficult child anyway. At times I have wanted to leave because of the lack of support from my DH but feel I can't because I bear the weight of responsibilty for all of the kids ot my own.
I very much feel for you in this situation because there are very few people who know what it is like to become a full time mom to somebody elses child. I don't think it is wrong to dislike a child. hey we can disilke other adults so why does this not apply to kids!!
I too have had many a time when I have wanted to pack up my 2 girls and run but I have come to the conclusion that it would make things far too complicated for all of us involved.
I have threatened my DP that I will leave if he doesn't become more involved and see how difficult his daughter can be and he has actually started to see how difficult it is for me.
I would urge you to persist for the time being, your DSS has obviously been through alot, you just need to make your DP see that if your family has a future he needs to be alot more involved and not always making excuses for his DS.

[fairystepmother]

My SS9's mum died last year and we went from weekends to full time overnight. I know how hard it is - suddenly there's this kid there that needs support and looking after and all the usual attention a child needs and expects and you're left with your life turned upside down and totally altered as a result.

Yet everyone expects you to just get on with it and be some wonderful super step mother because the child has been through enough loosing a parent. I had a particularly spectacular blow up with DH's mother who seemed to think that I should be treating SS9 like the new Messiah as he'd lost his mother and she told me I would never live up to his mum yet she expected me to spend every second of my time doing just that. In her eye's I wasn't allowed to do anything or feel anything myself. It all had to be about SS9.

All I can say is that it does improve with time. Your SS will adjust to his new surroundings and lifestyle with time - just keep parenting him fairly and he will learn your boundaries. Reward him for good behaviour - kids respond so well to this.

Your parter needs to understand and that it's ok if you don't love your SS the same way he does. I don't love my SS - I've been in his life for 5 years, but I don't love him. I don't know if I ever will. The important thing is that you're not pressured into feeling love for him. It will either come with time or it wont, but trying to force stuff like that doesn't make it happen.

How long has your SS lived with you? If it's less than a year then I would definitely stick with it - it does get easier but us took me months and months to settle and I know we're still not there yet even a year down the line.

[KaceyMaybe]

Thanks everyone. Had another argument this morning as although I have done a ton of washing this week, something SS NEEDED for a party today wasn't ready so again that's me putting him last.
It has been less than a year so I know it's still early days, I think I am just still overwhelmed and tierd and trying to adjust to this new lifestyle of school and parties etc which the girls are in yet, and also trying to look after another person.
I will keep trying. I just know I'm the sort of person who once I've gone off someone it stays that way so I really don't want to resent him so much that it consumes everything.
I think I will keep talking to DH and try and explain it camly and talk about the future and how to all blend together rather than complaining about things!
It is such a help to hear that I am not the only one and have some acknowledgement from people that understand that actually it is hard and I am not being totally unreasonable not to just love SS.

[KaceyMaybe]

Thank you, it really is a big help to know other people have survived!

[CarGirl]

As well as child therapy why don't you arrange for family therapy or couples counselling.

It would perhaps help your dh if you can sit and agree on houserules together and consequences for not adhering to them. In our house answer back, deliberate "non-compliance" results in time out - my youngest is only 5. No hitting, no snatching etc etc Some of it is just normal sibling rivalry - mine have a few special items each everything else is for sharing so you don't get that's mine etc.

My youngest is the most difficult personality - least compliment etc etc we have found a reward chart has turned around - 20 smiley faces gets a reward and she's chosen temporary tattoos.

have you read "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" I really recommend it. Your dss may need a lot of "you wish you could have a pack of sweets/crap right now, your angry/upset we have different rules". Somehow you need to let him express his emotional frustration without allowing unacceptable behaviour go unchecked and you need to get your dh on board with that.

Being a full-time step mum is extremely hard work, have been there, I lost the plot and left, now my dh is a step parent to my eldest. It's very very hard and if you haven't been there you don't understand.