Help

[kaydiekayd]

Hi, im new to this, but i can't tell you how happy i am to have found this site! I thought i was some kind of monster for feeling the way i do! I have a baby boy of 6mths with my partner who also has a son of 8rs from a previous relashionship. My stepson comes to stay every weekend and sometimes a night during the week, i feel there is a huge barrier for me were i cannot show any kind of affection for him. I know this sounds heartless as i love my son more than anything but i just can't do it! I dont talk to my partner about it but i sence hes noticed how my behaviour changes when his son is around. I love my partner with all my heart but im struggling with the situation, it doesnt help that his ex is always pestering for more money even though they have a private arrangement. I dont know if theres anyone out there in a simular situation?

[Petal02]

You're being very hard on yourself. Providing you are kind and caring towards your stepson, I think you should relax about it, you may grow to love him, you may not. You're doing far better than lots of us who post here, as many of us feel guilty about harbouring negative feelings towards our step children. The whole situation is a minefield, please don't beat yourself up about it.

[theredhen]

You don't have to love your step son. Just treat him with respect and understanding but also give him boundaries and rules.

You can't make yourself feel something if you don't.

[Dinosaurhunter]

Hi op I have a 17 year ols dss and a 4 year old ds . My partner and I have been together 13 years and I used to feel like you in the early days but now I'm close to my dss and love the way he loves my son, so I guess I'm saying give it time and maybe spend time as a family good luck

[Drizzela]

It's hard isn't it. I very quickly felt as though I loved my partners child (Daughter, aged 8) but it was honeymoon period and it's got harder and harder ever since. I drift between wanting to care for and protect her and missing her when she's not hear... to resenting her. A lot of it is to do with the fact that she's a constant reminder of her mother. As she gets older she looks and acts more and more like her every day

You seem to be having your son an awful lot, every weekend and some week nights too... why is your husband paying maintenance? And when does the boy spend time with his mother? Maybe if the contact was fairer, you wouldn't feel so cuffocated by the situation...?

No one said being a step parent was easy. Have a read of this that someone posted on here a few months ago:

Lord, help me to be a good stepmother? give me the patience of a saint, the strength of an ox, and the skin of a rhinoceros.

Help me to understand why their mother would rather believe her children are suffering at the hands of an evil stepmother than being loved by a kind, responsible adult who brings them happiness. Let me be content in my knowledge that children have an unlimited supply of love to give. Keep me from reminding their mother that my presence in their lives does not take away the love they feel for her as she fails to understand that a child?s love multiplies and does not divide.

Help me in the constant struggle to find my role in the children?s lives, somewhere ?below? a parent but ?above? an aunt or family friend. Accordingly, help me to appropriately and accurately represent our relationship when in public. If someone calls them my children or me their mother, guide me in how I am to respond? let me know if I am overstepping my bounds by remaining silent or disowning them by correcting the assumption.

Help me keep my patience, even while dropping my plans at a moment?s notice when their ?real? parents are busy? and when their mother tells my husband ?she is not their mother!? and ?why can?t she watch them?? in the same conversation, give me the strength to keep from going over the brink of hysteria.

Help me to know when and how I should discipline the children without exceeding my authority or taking too passive a role. Lead me from the temptation of spoiling them in the vain hope that they will accept me and not resent my presence. If a time comes when I disagree with how they are being raised, make me keep silent and not object in spite of the fact that they live in my home.

Help me to have the premonitions of a psychic and the perception of a mind reader. Give me the ability to anticipate all potential problems and to accept the fact that they will usually be my fault. Make sure I am always ready with some cash in my pocket for surprise expenses and the time to drive somebody somewhere at the drop of a hat. Remind me that if I have a moment to catch my breath, I have probably forgotten something, and when I finally remember what it is, do not let me assume one of the ?real? parents is taking care of it.

Help me to forget that in spite of devoting the time, money, stress and energy required in raising my stepchildren, I will not shop for prom dresses, be the mother of the bride or dance with the groom. Remind me that maybe, some day, the children will give me a second thought and remember something positive about me from their childhoods. Let them gain something from having known me, no matter how small or insignificant, and let something, anything I did make them each a better person, whether they realize it or not.

[kaydiekayd]

Thank you all for such kind words i dont feel on my own at all now, thank you! I feel exactly the same about my stepson being a reminder of his mother! It gets to me when she demands money for something or other and my partner jumps to it! His mother has two other children with her present partner so i do feel for my stepson as they do thier own family things when hes with us.

[jzhmum]

What you said Drizzela really touched me as I am a sm to sd age 8 and have 2 boys of my own and a baby between us. Life is hard and i am in contant battle to remind myself that my sd is not her mum and it is not her fault (easier said than done) Just good to know I am not alone...blended families are hard...but worth it :)

[LCarbury]

I am not a stepmother but just wanted to add when my littlest was a baby I found my older child harder at times, there's a protective instinct at play, that bit gets easier as your baby grows bigger and stronger.

[crazykat]

I'm in a similar situation with DSD. It does get easier with time. The hardest part for me is DH wanting me to treat DSD the same as our DCs but only with good things and not when it comes to dicipline. If I'm a bit short with DSD it was on purpose but if I'm short with one of our DCs that's fine.

Keep trying to talk with your DP, it takes time but eventually he should start listening and understanding where you're coming from. My DH was the same and once in a while still is, he used to practically jump through hoops for his ex as she was being a bitch wrt access, but for me he wouldn't pick up the phone. It's not nice feeling you're less important to your DP than his ex is.

No matter how hard you try the way you feel about your stepson and your own child will always be different. That's not to say you'll always feel this way but with your own child that bond is there from before they're born, with stepchildren you have to work at creating that bond and it does take time and patience.